UPDATE: I’ve written several things convincing myself to stay. Here’s one of my favorites: Thomas Merton and the Greener Grass That Wasn’t.
UPDATE II: Here’s another one: When Loving You is Killing Me.
I suppose every person in ministry is strongly tempted to quit from time to time. Not quit as in “send out a resume, start looking for a job” quit, but “walk out today” quit.
I’ve got a pastor friend who fought with his church for most of two decades about fundamental decisions about the church’s future. No one paid much attention, and one Sunday he preached what was on his heart (as we say in Southern Baptist land), closed his Bible and walked out the center aisle, out the front door, never to come back to that pulpit. He never regretted it, and he was satisfied he’d done the right thing.
I tend to believe he did, but most of the time I’ve entertained that same fantasy, I can’t say it would have been the right thing to do. I’ve known several ministers who quit on the spot (or close enough to it that it felt the same.) I can’t say they were doing the right thing.
One pastor I worked with for several years got into a tug-of-war with his worship leader over choosing hymns. The pastor wanted to choose them. The worship leader felt it was his job. The deacons asked the pastor to work with the worship leader. Instead, the pastor resigned. I’m pretty sure that was just stubbornness and pity. “I’ll show them what happens when you don’t support me,” he was probably thinking.
For every Christian who quits a responsibility on the spot, there’s probably two that should have quit long ago. I don’t hold it against them at all. But I’m distressed about those Christians who are seduced by the allure of trading a good name for the momentary power over others available to the person who quits on the spot.
When I came to work today, I learned that one of my co-workers had quit unexpectantly. No warnings. Just a phone call in the middle of a faculty meeting. Suddenly there were five classes left without a teacher. Other teachers were scrambling to pick up the slack by adding classes they didn’t plan to teach. Other important responsibilities were deserted and left to unprepared associates.
I’m not in this co-worker’s shoes. I can’t judge him with any supernatural insight. I do know that ministry is tough. Real ministry with the young people we choose to work with can be exhausting, demanding and frustrating. I never am surprised when someone serves and then chooses to move on. My sixteen years aren’t typical, and I am aware of that. If someone serves five years, I know they’ve given much of their heart and life away.
We all- and I say this not with omniscience, but with confidence in what I’ve learned over the years- ALL have moments where we want to just type a letter and say, “I quit. I can’t do this anymore.” Quitting looks good at times. It promises a jolt of power, self-determination and the ability to demonstrate to others the depths of grievance or upset.
Maybe there is a straw that breaks the camel’s back. Maybe the person has failed and doesn’t want to face the embarrassing results. Perhaps a friend or family member says “Quit. You deserve it.” Maybe God speaks to that person and says “Quit now.” I have no idea. I know it’s a strong temptation. Almost overwhelming in some situations.
Quitting suddenly in ministry is very painful to those left behind in shock. It sends messages that are lasting and serious. “You don’t love us.” “You told us to not give up, and now you’ve given up.” “You left us alone, and took the exit out of our lives.” “Did God tell you to do this? Why?”
Proverbs 22:1 says that a good name is to be chosen over riches. The essence of that proverb has to do with valuing something intangible, but very influential and valuable. Reputation and legacy. Influence and esteem. If we sacrifice our “good name” for something like wealth, pleasure or power, it’s wrong.
It’s also wrong if we sacrifice a “good name” to inflict shock and loss. It’s wrong to destroy a “good name” on the pleasure of a sudden resignation. It’s wrong to sacrifice a “good name” for vengeance, grievance and petty retaliation.
We live in a culture that savors it’s revenge fantasies. If someone wrongs us, we think, THEY deserve to suffer. They deserve the pain and the loss our actions will cause.
When we think like this, we have devalued our reputation, our “good name” and our influence for the payoff of petty revenge.
There are many times I would counsel a person to leave ministry, leave a church or leave a career position. There may be circumstances where leaving immediately is the right thing to do. Most usually, however, we are called to leave behind a good name. Even if we have a grievance, we’re obligated to be honorable. Honorable in word and action. Honorable in loving others and being faithful to God.
I have great appreciation for people who don’t quit, even when they are strongly tempted to do so. There are honorable ways to leave a ministry or job, and there are ways that amount to nothing more than an infantile tantrum. There are ways to leave that are so hurtful, they surpass whatever unfairness or frustration the person may have felt.
I appreciate all of you who haven’t quit when it’s been hard to keep going in ministry and serving others. I’m glad my parents didn’t give up on their marriage. I’m glad my wife hasn’t given up on me. I’m glad that I’ve stayed at this ministry 16 years. (And I’ve often felt I couldn’t do anything else that could possibly make it worth another day.)
When I leave, however I leave, I want to leave a “good name” behind.
The Internet Monk Archives 
I quit my music ministry position last week – I’m crushed. A new worship leader(6 months) who(IMO)refuses to let anyone else sing, in any capacity except on the other side of the rail(congregation…that was a joke). So afer 6 months of me backing her on bass, piano, guitar(conservetively 120-160 songs), I had the temerity to send her an email asking “if the music order isn’t already laid out for next week, I have a song I’ve been working on singing. Or next week or something would be fine too.” She completely unloaded on me,”don’t you feel you minister with your music”, “don’t you feel you get enough face time with the congregation”,”what do you hope to accomplish”,”we have no need for prima donas on the platform”. I’m thinking “hello, was I a prima dona when I was playing”. Then she decided to tell me she thought the one time she’s heard me sing was below church standard(Easter,coming off a head cold, maybe a bad idea but I doubt it was horrible). I’m not Pavorotti but I’ve been singing in the choir and doing solos at every church I’ve attended for years, I’ve also been a worship leader(not by default, I was asked). My last church’s music direector had me sing one of his songs for a CD. My Pastor seems to think the new contemporary music ministry is too important to rein her in. So I wrote a brief letter of apology to my band mates, didn’t dish on her, told them to first get it from her and then ask me if they want my take on the situation. I’m not really angry, more hurt and frustrated – I don’t know if I can take it not doing something I love, for people I love, to serve a God I love. My wife and children would be crushed if I “made” them leave, but my wife acknowledges she couldn’t let me go worship somewhere else without them. I keep praying for direction. Thanks for “listening”.
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christian worker – i think we worked for the same ministry! 🙂 you perfectly expressed how I felt about my experience. i left on the brink of burn out….thankfully God rescued me just in time. your description of the ministry and deciding to leave fit my experience. i was in such an unhealthy place and it was like an abusive relationship! they made me feel like i ever quit i’d never be in ministry again and would be worthless, but they always berated the staff calling us names, saying we weren’t working hard enough when we were POURING OUT our lives! Anyway, reading your experience was similiar to mine gave me comfort! Thanks!
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What was the broader context of the Piper quote from Josiah Lee’s comment? In the little that was quoted, it seems to frame leaving and obeying as opposites. Now I can imagine situations where such was the case. But I would hate to frame all leaving as disobedience. Unless we have a command to stay, to speak of leaving as a sin is an error. But I don’t know what circumstances Piper was addressing.
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Thank you, Anna, for your care and advice. I will look for those books.
Grace to you.
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Dear former “Christian Worker”,
Since no one else has responded to you, in this thread, let me give some insight that may help. But, first, if this doesn’t seem appropriate, and/or painful, please, please ignore it. The last thing that I would want to do is to hurt a brother.
Now for the comments.
I consider all Christians to be full time ministers, some just get paid to do it. I recognize that I am responsible for my works and actions and that they reflect on Our Lord. It is much easier for someone like me to make major changes, than for someone like you or Michael. (But, I found that even the grocery store workers notice people, and your attitude toward life. One commented about mine to me.)
Figure out what in ministry that you do best, and have fun doing, and then see what in the outside world can use those same abilities.
Find a different place, and possibly even different style to worship. As much as I get frustrated with the lack of friendliness that many Catholic parishes tend to have, the anominity (sp) can be refreshing, at times.
I found the book, “Exit Interviews” by Henderickson. to be valuable because of the stories of others, who have been burnt by Christian organizations.
Another book, that seems to be pushing its way forward, even though I haven’t read it in ages is “Vulnerablity to God” or it may be “Vulnerable to God.” I don’t remember the author.
My thoughts and prayers.
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Michael,
This was a blessing to read. I am a Kentucky Baptist. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky and despite God’s providence, I came back to go to college in eastern Kentucky. I’m a pastor’s son myself and by nothing other than God’s graciousness and peace have I been able to persue the seminary and the ministry myself. I didn’t think I’d be here. For a long time, the last thing I wanted to be was a minister and put up with all of the crap and abuse I witnessed first hand (and continue to see).
I know what your ministry at OBI is about and I want to say “THANK YOU.” There’s a lot of talk among the restless calvinists in the sbc about the inefficiencies of the Cooperative program on the associational and state levels these days, and I suppose I agree with some of it. But I’m so thankful that you are supported through the KBC. I won’t lead any churches to bypass the states if I ever have any influence because of the good work that men and women, most of whom aren’t influential bloggers, do in silence, wrestling with the agony of staying and leaving, the family distress and the struggle of the faith. Thank you all. God bless you and You are in my prayers.
I read the “grass is greener” article at work and almost cried. I saw my family torn apart in some ways and I see the scars that are still there. I am glad to be reminded that, at the begining, I want a good name, but I want to make a good name for Christ in everything I do. God Bless.
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Michael,
Thank you for your response. Don’t misunderstand, I wasn’t writing my comment to imply that your post was wrong in any way. I understand where you are coming from, and I knew (before you commented yourself) that you would agree with a decision like mine in the sort of circumstance I described. I suppose I was reacting to some of the comments above, although not in anger, just in explanation.
Thank you also for the links to other posts of yours. I will read them when I can.
And finally, thank you for NOT quitting. It sounds like you have a real ministry which is benefitting many people. That’s certainly true of your website, as well as your “day job.”
By the way, I would be interested in a post of yours (and your very insighful commenters) dedicated to the sorts of things I mentioned. Namely, what do you do if you gave yourself to Christian ministry, and you were harmed by it? How do you recuperate? How do you go on with the Lord, when you identify the Lord with the Christian group that damaged you? How do you look back and separate the wheat from the chaff? Most importantly for me, what do you do if you still feel called to serve the Lord, but you were so ruined by your previous experience that you don’t know where to begin, or how to prevent yourself from being burned out again?
Just a suggestion, but of course don’t feel obligated. Your posts on all sorts of topics have been very helpful to me.
Grace to you.
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Christian worker:
Let me be clear that this post isn’t about you. I tried to make it clear there are times we must leave for our own sake and the sake of our health, faith and family.
I wrote about this:
https://internetmonk.com/archive/imonk-101-the-sanity-verses
I completely support your decision without question. I was NOT aiming this at anyone like yourself.
Oh… this one too:
https://internetmonk.com/archive/quit-and-see-what-happens
I’m totally in your corner.
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I appreciate the ones here who suggest it is better to stick it out. But I can testify personally of what happens when you stay and the grace isn’t there anymore.
I still wake up sometimes with anger in my heart. I’ve prayed for more than four years that I could forgive my brothers in Christ, and have asked the Lord to forgive me my own inability to forgive and let things go.
But when you are in a church with a toxic and abusive culture, and you stay because this is where the Lord put you and maybe you can still make a difference, the psychological and spiritual results can be severe.
I have never recuperated from almost a decade of being a “Christian worker.” I did the best I could, but eventually I threw in the towel. In retrospect, I should have left years earlier. But I was waiting for the “Lord’s leading.” And it didn’t come. I left when I simply couldn’t take it anymore.
There are times where our intuition is simply correct. If we are in a situation that is burning us out, and we keep spending ourselves and there is no change, then it may be best just to leave. We are not supposed to be manpleasers. Our goal is to please the Lord, and He said, “My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. I am meek and lowly of heart.” And it was said of Him, “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not put out” (which I understand to be referring to broken and wounded people).
I won’t tell my whole story here. Suffice it to say that I worked with a Christian group that was very cultish and authoritarian. They worked me to death, and showed very little gratitude. In the midst of what felt like torture, there were signs of the Lord’s presence. There were people there that I really loved, and who responded to my care.
But I worked with fellow workers and leading brothers who expressed the opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. When I think about those years, I can feel a physical pain in my chest, from all the anger that I repressed in the name of “bearing the cross” and “submitting to authority.”
The Lord loves us, and doesn’t want to ruin us. If we are in a situation that is causing us more harm than good, sometimes the best thing to do is walk away sooner rather than later. I wish I had left years earlier. Of course there may be people who leave because they are uncommitted, or not willing to pay a price. But sometimes the ones who leave are doing so because the Lord Himself does not really want them to be there.
Sorry for the long post. I’ll leave it at that.
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Richard,
I can quite understand why Brandon would want to hit someone. Twice recently, family has been hurt by the behavior of others, who should know better. My first, emotional reaction is to want to scratch their eyes out.
Not that I did anything because it would mean breaking a confidence, even to talk to them.
I am doing what I can, generally by spreading the word for prayer for those involved. Brandon is also doing what he can, by removing his wife and himself from that situation.
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Brandon T Milan wrote, “Through much prayer and seeking of wisdom from others, I’ve decided to give my pastor my two week notice tonight. Its true that I’ve been hurt and things were said about my wife yesterday that made me want to punch a preacher……”
Brandon, I can’t imagine how you and your wife got to the point where hurtful things were said or that you would entertain the feeling of wanting to “punch a preacher”. We are called to love, encourage, and forgive (among many other things). If you are in a leadership position and haven’t learned that, then it is time for you to move on. But please, don’t hoist yourself onto another church without first learning to forgive. Then ask God to forgive you. Read Psalm 32.
Brian I wouldn’t call you a quitter, but may be a failure in obedience to Christ and service to others.
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After a much-loved and effective pastor suddenly left, it took two years to find a replacement. Mostly because everyone just wanted our old one back. And when the replacement finally came he did not feel welcomed for many years.
Why? Because the church learned not to get too close to the pastor because he’ll up and leave and it will hurt.
When pastors leave suddenly or poorly, or after only a few years, churches quickly learn to keep the pastor at arm’s length. They are resistant to change becuase ‘this pastor will up and leave soon anyway.’ It takes many (five or more?) years before the church is ready to trust again.
We pastors need to know that the way we leave a church can ruin the next pastor’s ministry even before he starts. Or it can give him a head start.
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This is a great post as well as the earlier one about Merton and the greener grass. Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. This month is the tenth anniversary of my ordination and entry into bivocational ministry. To say it has not been easy is an understatement. I have a loving, resilient wife and good son and we serve together. It is often the small victories that keep me going when I think it would be so much easier to have “a normal life”–but I love the people I serve in both halves of my life and seek to more fully integrate both with God’s direction. Again thank you for your thoughts that generate further thoughts.
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Heather, Anna,
Thank you for the responses. I also appreciated getting a response from the Catholic side of the house…The line about “There are also times, when we wish that the priest’s superiors would move him to a different parish, also.”, was one I could relate to. The reason I asked in the first place, is that, I’ve been doing some examination of my own “church history”. I go attend a nondenominational church that is a recent plant from a local megachurch. Whenever the paastor frfom the original church is at our as a guest speaker, our hall is packed with folks from the megachurch. I asked around and this doesn’t seem that uncommon. This, in turn, made me wonder, “exactly who is it that I’m following?”.
I liked Heather’s response as well…It addresses the complex psychology that seems to influence most of why we act the way we do. I can see your point about how our relational schemas superimpose even on our dealings with clergy. Thanks for your openess and willingness to share.
Grub
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Grub asked,
“Why is it so hard when Pastors leave? I realize that there are relationship issues involved… perhaps the pastor was a mentor, coworkler, or friend…but where do the feelings of abandonment come from? Is the relationship of pastor to flock that personal? Is it supposed to be?”
As a former Presbyterian, now Episcopal, laywoman in the pews, I have seen the “pastor’s leaving” scenario a number of times. I really think it’s so hard when pastors leave because church life is intensely personal. A job, a social group, or a sports league is not so personal; we are perhaps sad but not devastated when one person leaves the group. But a church is truly like a family, and that can be both good and not-so-good.
To put it bluntly, the pastor is our “father” or “mother.” Most of us humans have some old feelings of parental loss, no matter how good our parents were/are. When the pastor leaves, the old childhood pain gets re-stirred. Our dad or mom has abandoned us — again! It hurts.
Since most of us as adults are ashamed of these feelings, the matter is never acknowledged consciously. That of course intensifies the hurt.
“Does this indicate a problem with hero worship or substituting the Preacher for Christ?”
Again, I think it more likely indicates a problem with being human. Our first childish notions of God are built on our parents. That’s just natural and inevitable. We grow out of those notions, but the emotions linger. (That’s the reason that some abused women in recovery programs refuse to begin the Lord’s Prayer with “Our Father…”)
When we have a heartfelt relationship with an authority figure, as most people do with their pastors, it’s almost impossible to avoid bringing into it some of the old childhood feelings. So when that authority leaves, it feels the same as if/when your father (or less likely, mother) told you they were getting divorced and moving out of the house. A horrible shock.
Now, what’s the answer? Beats me.
I honestly don’t think that moving pastors around every few years is likely to help congregations much, though it may be helpful to pastors who don’t have to face such intense feelings from their parishioners when they leave. Congregations will stop caring so much about pastors, and I’m not sure that’s good. Maybe it is.
My best guess is that the right way to leave is also the hardest in the short run: it’s what Michael proposes. Announce the departure as soon as it is certain, then take the time to grieve with your congregation. That’s painful, because they will be wretched, and some of them (like children caught in a divorce) will be angry and accuse you of deserting them, not caring, etc. Perhaps realizing the childhood roots of the congregation’s response could help pastors avoid taking the onslaught of feelings so personally (but certainly the pastor shouldn’t point these things out. Remember, we’re *ashamed* of those feelings.)
It’s a very hard period of time for everyone. But as Michael and others have said, “There are honorable ways to leave a ministry or job…”, and this one seems the most honorable (i.e., what God would want from any of His servants, including both pastor and congregation).
Not that I could do it. It would kill me. That’s one reason I’m not a pastor (other reasons include my lack of inspiration, calling, ability, and suitability for the position). But I have never walked off a job, even when I’ve wanted to so badly I could taste it.
Not being very well-read theologically, I get some of my secondary guidance from books and TV. I remember an old TV program in which a young man decided to just leave his nagging mother one day and set out for a college he wanted to attend. Hitch-hiking along, he (of course) ran into a “professional fugitive,” on the run from the law, who counseled him to go back. “But I *have* to get out of there,” the young man said. “Then walk away,” the fugitive said. “Don’t run away. Walk away.”
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Michael,
Thanks so much for this article. What a tremendous encouragement your blog has been to me on several occasions. Keep up the good work brother.
Paul
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Wow, great post! Being on staff of a mega church for the past 13 years – I can relate!
There is a wonderful book out titled “Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith” written by Barbara Brown Taylor that covers this topic on a very personal level! It’s a must read for anyone, especially women, who are in ministry of any kind!
I have really enjoyed your blog! Very encouraging, fresh and thought provoking! Keep it coming!
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As my wife and I are about to leave our sunday school/class small group I found this timely. I do question the Biblical basis for the don’t quit side of the argument. Paul and Barnabas had a disagreement and Barnabas left (quit). Silas stepped in and Paul’s ministry continued in full force. Jesus said go to a town, preach the word and if they don’t receive it shake the dust from your sandals and leave (quit). Ecclesiates says for everything there is a season including I suspect quitting. I have chosen to leave our sunday school class because I want theology and the rest of the class wants social time. I will become, if I haven’t already, disruptive if I stay. That is not my desire. I will continue to seek a group of believers whose theology is more intune with mine. Love God, love your neighbor. Michael, I’m 55 and new the mass in Latin by the time I was 6. I am not very technologically savvy but your blog is part of my morning devotions. Thank you for your efforts.
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Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom, Michael. I have had my struggles in ministry and been sorely tempted, even resolved, to leave, just quit. When it comes to ministrial issues and spirituality, you have a penchant not only for hitting nails squarely on their heads, but driving them home, but with compassion.
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Through much prayer and seeking of wisdom from others, I’ve decided to give my pastor my two week notice tonight. Its true that I’ve been hurt and things were said about my wife yesterday that made me want to punch a preacher. But in the long run, we’ve known that this wasn’t the place God wanted us for a long time. We’ve known that we’re not doing the ministry God has equipped us for. We’ve known that we are not supported by the church–we’re thought of as babysitters, and nothing more. We’ve known that we cannot do what they want us to do with a clear conscience. I have a church that I am visiting Jan 24 in Manitoba. Its not a sure-thing yet, but I believe that God has opened these doors, and we’ll go and see if he keeps them opened or closes them, but either way, I can’t stay at this church anymore.
Some will say, “Brandon is a quitter.”
some will say, “God cannot bless you for leaving before you have another ministry position.”
some will say, “you’re just leaving us hanging.”
Those things may be true. But I can’t go there pretending like I enjoy it anymore. I want to minister where my church supports me. I want to minister where the church thinks that student ministry is important. I want to minister where the church as a whole provides an example for the students to follow. Maybe I’m making the wrong decision, but at this point, I can do no other.
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Sorry….wrong assumption. You aren’t talking about me. Not sure what point you are making.
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I, too, have seen pastors, professors and missionaries fall into sin, fail in their careers, and/or quit and leave their calling and even their faith behind.
And, I have shared in this pain.
I have seen congregations die.
I have seen abusive Christians kill ministries.
I have been so frustrated at the situation of the church that I just wanted to give God the bird and storm off.
— it’s far easier to be a selfish Atheist than to live among selfish Christians.
I have wanted to shake the dust from the narrow road off of my feet and forget this crappy calling of “Servant Leadership”…
oh… but wait… I’m a woman.
Sorry – wrong channel. After all, in YOUR world I’m not even ministering. Nevermind. I must be mistaken. How can I burn out if I’m not even ministering?
Nothing to see here. Move along… move along… ;-p
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Grub,
Speaking as a Catholic, I know that we tend to experience the whole range of emotions when a pastor leaves, depending upon our relationship to him, his pastoral skills, his orthodoxy etc.
I’ve known of Catholics who have actually followed priests to a fairly distant new parish. I was almost one myself. I did make sure that I was attracted to the parish, and not just the pastor. (I wasn’t the only one following Fr. Dave, who had been an associate pastor in one parish, and then promoted to pastor in a near by one.)
There are also times, when we wish that the priest’s superiors would move him to a different parish, also.
I suspect that the average Catholic isn’t like that, because we are more used to it. (In theory, pastors in some dioceses get moved every 5-7 years to prevent that kind of problem.) If we are having problems with a priest at our closest parish, we can and do worship at other Catholic churches.
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Our pastor recently preached a sermon on how to properly leave a church, from the perspective of both a staff member or member. There is no doubt a time to leave and there is a also a time to stay and endure, with wisdom needed to know which to do. What should be avoided if at all possible is what our pastor referred to as “relational hit-and-run”. Thanks Michael, for the Proverbs 22:1 reminder.
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Two commnets on the meta…
1. The Piper Quote: “Younger people today think of changing, leaving, shifting, moving, modifying, and swapping in order to enhance life—almost anything but enduring. People quit. They move. They change their minds. A long, hard, steady, hold-the-course obedience is a rare and wonderful thing.†…irked me somewhat. The “Younger People” moniker seems so arbitrary and seems a like a device to transfer the blame for broken relationships to someone else. I would contend that people of all ages neglect, betray, and mismanage relationships to a near degree. I think this addresses the meaning behind what he said…but if that’s a staw man, then consider this: The “leaving, shifting, moving”, ect are more a product of their stage in life rather than a disregard for enduring. Sometimes the greater error comes in ‘enduring’ (read:staying comfortable, protecting your clique) rather than taking a risk.
2. Why is it so hard when Pastors leave? I realize that there are relationship issues involved… perhaps the pastor was a mentor, coworkler, or friend…but where do the feelings of abandonment come from? Is the relationship of pastor to flock that personal? Is it supposed to be? I guess my real question is do people from High Church traditions grieve to the same degree when their priest is moved as evangelical (or low church)traditions do when a pastor quits? Does this indicate a problem with hero worship or substituting the Preacher for Christ? Please, I’m not trying to offend, I realize that these are real feelings and relationships we’re talking about…not just theoretical construct…but I’d really like some opinions on this…
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An oasis of encouragement, wisdom, and sincere counsel in the often dry, lonely, desert of ministry. Thanks Michael, and thanks for sticking with the blog even on the tough days when the message isn’t popular!
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Extremely well-spoken, Michael, a tremendous post that every pastor and Christian worker ought to read. Blessings.
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I and many other ministers must be like a Labrador Retriever… they get clobbered on the head with a strike that would give a concussion to any other mortal and they smile and wag their tail and keep coming back for more.
Being dumb that way, they’d probably have to eject me before I’d get the message to leave and even then I’d wonder if it were right to start somewhere else.
I keep being haunted by the fact that in the early church once called as a bishop, you weren’t supposed to become a bishop elsewhere.
Of course no pastor is a bishop like those guys in many ways. But the thought still clings with me… I don’t want to be a hireling.
And I don’t think revenge fantasies pay off if we’re supposed to forgive people so our sins can be forgiven.
God help us!
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Good post, Michael. Being in the ministry (missions) for 28 years I have seen too many quit. I have helped a number of missionaries pack up their things when they leave the field for good after a variety of problems. I almost have developed a skeptical attitude toward new missionaries because of all the bad experiences.
One missionary had affairs, another one went against the mission and his colleages (me included) with ethical failures. Another had health issues. Another left as his wife didn’t adjust to the culture. I’ve had daily headaches for years and migraine headaches a day or two a week, but can testify that God’s grace is sufficient.
As far as the pressures of ministry – I really think we are in times when the art of shepherding people is getting more and more difficult. I guess, my reason for hanging in there continues to be God’s grace and that alone. I guess it is appropriately called the “Evangelical Circus”. I just got a letter and doctrinal statement to sign from a supporting church that I won’t be able to sign because of its “King James Only” stand. Which means I will lose that support. That is just one little example of the circus.
I often tell people that only two groups of people stay in the ministry – the called and the crazy. I am still trying to figure out which one I am…
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Our daughers gave me a copy of John Feinstein’s book on Red Aurebach, the late legendary coach of the Boston Celtics, for Christmas. Red told a fellow coach who was ready to quit because a losing seasons, fan criticism, alumni rantings, etc. (things somewhat analogous to those that drive pastors to want to “hang it up”) not to quit when he was frustrated, angry, and disappointed but to endure to better times. The coach did so for a few years and retired in a much better frame of mind. Red said when we go out when we’re down, we will live with that for the rest of our lives. I know the trials and discouragements of being a pastor, but I believe that Red Auerbach’s advice can apply to us, too.
I would also recommend reading the chaper in David Goetz’ Death By Suburb on remaining with a church, rather than leaving.
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In my pastors’ retreat group one of the great unsolvables we frequently talk about is leaving well. How do we know that it is God calling us to move rather than our own desire to leave? And if/when we do leave, how can we do it in a way that helps rather than hurts the church?
All of us in that group could think of many more negative examples than good ones of pastors leaving. Very few do it well.
In my own experience one pastor announced it out of the blue because he was grief-stricken about leaving and knew what hurt it would cause. He had accepted a call from another church and he couldn’t face telling us. It took two years for the church to recover from the shock and grief.
Another pastor surprised his congregation on Christmas Day. Surely that was designed to hurt.
I agree that a long-term ministry is best for both pastor and church. But we’ve all got to go sometime. How can we learn to leave well?
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I have been a member of a congregation where a few people in the leadership drove the pastor out of the church. Then they felt abandoned. It was truly bizarre. They key thing I learned was that many of the troublemakers have no clue as to how much grief they are causing.
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Man, I love Herbert’s “The Collar.” That poem has ministered to my spirit countless times since I discovered it in college.
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Great post. If someone is stepping on your toes, but they don’t know it, and you never tell them – but suddenly scream that you are hurt and are leaving the room forever, whose fault is it?
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My heart goes out to all of you. Those who feel little choice, but to go suddenly. Those who struggle and try to leave with honor. Those who have to pick up the pieces from a sudden leaving.
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Terrific post. Thanks
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“Younger people today think of changing, leaving, shifting, moving, modifying, and swapping in order to enhance life—almost anything but enduring. People quit. They move. They change their minds. A long, hard, steady, hold-the-course obedience is a rare and wonderful thing.” –John Piper
I’m always thankful for people who endure in ministry (either in the church or in the world). Thanks for exploring endurance and the need to move on in a balanced, helpful way.
I especially appreciate the last bit about parents and spouses. Those are the tough battles of endurance in life. I don’t have a spouse, but I do have a wonderful example of endurance in my parents. Thanks, Michael, for helping me appreciate them better.
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Forgot to add that, at least in my Baptist background, there’s an incredibly negative view toward “leaving the ministry.” As if laymen aren’t supposed to have a ministry. Or as if the pastorate is automatically a lifelong vocation.
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I wonder if our attitude toward quitting is similar to our attitudes toward other areas where moderation and common sense is required. There are dozens of bad ways to quit and many people have been affected by them, so we just have an attitude that quitting is always wrong. Never mind that it might be necessary, or that the end of one thing is also the beginning of another thing. It’s just easier to make a blanket statement than to honestly analyze each situation. Unfortunately, we usually assume we’re quitting for the right reasons and other people are quitting for the wrong ones.
Maybe our attitude toward quitting is part of the culture of silence the modern American church has toward making mistakes.
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I’ve been in my first ministry position for close to a year now. I’ve always had a negative opinion towards those ministers I’ve seen who have left their ministry. Even the ones I’ve known who waited for another church to work at, there was a point at which they decided, “I’m leaving, whats the point in doing anything.” Especially when I was a youth and it was the youth pastor who left, it was obvious, and it kinda hurt.
But I understand now. I’ve been tempted over the last few weeks to walk out. When promises are made to you that aren’t fulfilled and when you’re treated as a baby-sitter rather than a minister. When you’re paid for part-time work but are expected to put in more than full-time hours, all the while having to put food on the table. When the youth to whom you teach the Gospel over and over again don’t get it because the church as a whole (including their parents) are sending the message that church is about socializing and putting on cantatas and charging 8 bucks a plate for after church meals and that fellowship with other believers isn’t near as important as spending time at the lake every weekend we get the chance.
I’m ready to leave. I’ve wanted multiple times to just get up and walk. But I’ve been looking for other churches and I’ve actually found one far away from where I’m at (i’m currently in Western North Carolina, the church that I’m in serious talks with is in Northern Manitoba.)
Thanks for the encouragement to stick it out.
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My second favorite poem is about not quitting. George Herbert’s ‘The Collar’–
I struck the board, and cry’d, ‘No more;
I will be abroad’.
What, shall I ever sigh and pine?
My lines and life are free; free as the road,
Loose as the winde, as large as tore.
Shall I be still in suit?
I have no harvest but a thorn
To let me bloud, and not restore
What I have lost with cordiall fruit?
Sure there was wine
Before my sighs did drie it; there was corn
Before my tears did drown it;
Is the yeare only lost to me?
Have I no bayes to crowne it,
No flowers, go larlands gay? all blasted,
All wasted?
Not so, my heart; but there is fruit
And thou hast hands.
Recover all thy sigh-blown age
On double pleasures; leave thy cold dispute
Of what is fit and not; forsake thy cage,
Thy rope of sands
Which pettie thoughts have made; and made to thee
Good cable, to enforce and draw,
And be thy law,
While thou didst wink and would not see.
Away! Take heed;
I will abroad.
Call in thy death’s-head there, tie up thy fears;
He that forbears
To suit and serve his need
Deserves his load.
But as I rav’d and grew more fierce and wilde
At every word,
Methought I heard one calling, ‘Childe’;
And I reply’d, ‘My Lord’.
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Leaving a ministry may bring instant relief. But what lasting long is one’s own honor.
Thank you for this good post.
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I believe that being in ministry can be one of the hardest jobs on the face of the planet. I agree with you that quitting on the spot is not necessarily the best way to deal with the situation. And, I agree with you that with every one who quits, two should have quit long before.
One of the darknesses that I feel we must address is the cloud that often hangs ominously over the heads of ministers. What are ways we can come alongside people in ministry who are struggling, who do feel like quitting, and rather than give them a pep talk to “keep on truckin’,” how can we breathe life into their withering hearts?
I myself have been in ministry for a long time, much of it overseas. I just “quit” a job myself. I hope that I did it in the “right” way, spending a year of transition as best I could before I stepped out. But ministers are often trapped by their ministry, either by their theologies, their professions (what else would they do?), their locations or their finances (“supporters pay me to do this”). Personally, I am wanting to enter into this place in the hearts of ministers and missionaries to bring life and freedom.
How can we as a universal church do that?
Thanks for your post. I am sorry for the painful ending, both for your coworker and for the rest of your team. May God bring healing.
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Our current pastor (we move a lot) was in a similar situation to your first example (although it was only six months, not twenty years). His solution was to simply say, “If this is what you want, if the congregation wants to go in this direction, that’s perfectly fine. But I can’t stay.”
They booted the trouble-making elder pretty quickly.
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Good post, and true. Keep up the good work.
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