iMonk 101: When I Am Weak: Why we must embrace our brokenness and never be good Christians

128 thoughts on “iMonk 101: When I Am Weak: Why we must embrace our brokenness and never be good Christians”

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2. Pingback: Some quotes from posts that have made me think! « New Covenant Christianity

3. I have been fighting perfectionism all my life! Thank you for your insights. I’ve been sharing with a Christian friend who is deeply committed to Christ and has an unbroken intimate relationship. That’s where it’s at–not the do’s and the don’ts that I grew up with and still struggle with. “There’s nothing that can separate us from the love of God.” Praise God! I thank you for helping me take one more step toward accepting my humanity and finding that rest that Jesus talks about. I’m broken and it’s OK! Hallelujah!

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4. “Wanted religion more than grace” . . . poignant in so many ways. This piece is fantastic. Thank you.

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5. I’ve just finished skimming thorough people’s posts, and I agree with so much of what has been written. But as I’m deeply wrestling through my struggles right now, I wonder if there is any point in seeking things such as counselling and healing prayer. Further to that, is it even worth praying and asking God to take some or all of these things away?

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6. For the Easter sermon this year, my pastor didn’t preach the “normal” sermon that one would expect to hear for that day. He instead read this piece word for word. He didn’t add his own commentary, he just allowed these words fall into our ears and let the Lord awaken our response to them. The reactions were mixed. They ranged from indignation to adulation. But, no matter what we thought of what was said, we talked about it! I felt like standing up and applauding when he finished! Thank God for Brad’s guts to do something as outrageous as read a blog for his sermon! We need more people thinking outside of the man-made box of rules of church.

   All I could think, as he was reading this post, was that I was so happy that my son came to church that day and was hearing this! I’m sure he came to fulfill his twice-yearly, obligatory, I have to attend church or mom will kill me services. You see, he’s not quite as perfect as the rest of us sitting in the pews. He struggles with God and he struggles with himself. How important it was for him to hear, that we all struggle; we all have to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. The nuggets of truth in your writing gave my son reassurance that he is loved and isn’t hopeless, too far from Jesus. He can see now that Jesus loves him right where he is. But, praise God, He loves my son too much to let him stay that way!

   Thank you for writing and posting this work. Thank you Brad for having the courage to read it! And thank you Spirit for using it to move within your body and open our eyes to some new ideas that have always been there.

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7. Jan,

   You are coming across very harsh, for a pastor. To say that someone who has problems with various sins, isn’t a Christian, doesn’t live in the same world that I do.

   I know some Christians who have to fight the same temptation all the time, and even Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh.

   I know of Christians who cry out in utter loneliness, because not one person at their church seems to see (and care) that they are alone at Thanksgiving. Sure, we brush ourselves off, and rely on Christ, but a pair of tangible arms and legs would make a big difference.

   I’m glad that you are able to overcome your depression and all the problems that it caused you. Not everyone has that grace. If you look at the people that the Catholic Church considers saints, most of them probably wouldn’t fit your category. Some are weird, some go out in the desert, only to find that they are followed. Some are wealthy and try to give it away; others are poor in material possessions. One other major characteristic of them is the awareness of their own sin, and the need for the Blood and Grace of Christ to heal them.

   You might be interested to know that Bernadette, the young woman who saw Mary at Lourdes, wasn’t permitted by God to receive healing from those very waters.

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8. I just wanted to share this for I do believe we grow in grace II Peter 3:18
   A Vision of Love
   Sometime in 2000 I was at a friends house where we were meeting as a small group. While we were waiting to get started, a couple of the guys were just chatting about how there are more women in church than men. As soon as those words were spoken, I was in a vision. It was as if I was seeing everything through Peter’s eyes, thinking his thoughts, experiencing his emotions and the emotions of those in the room who felt as he did. We were at the Last Supper. John was leaning on Jesus breast, talking with Jesus in such open affection. As Peter watched his open show of affection, I felt his contempt, his disdain, if you will – such indignation! Others in the room were feeling the same as Peter, so it was very much amplified in my emotions. Peter was thinking a “man” would not be so “fawning” and that John was just a youth, that he needed to “grow up”. I can still feel the disdain and contempt when I recall the memory, them perceiving John as fawning all over Jesus, (much like it must have been to them when Mary Magdalene washed His feet). As I was witnessing this I “heard” the words, “Only love will take you to the Cross!” The scene immediately changed and I was in utter darkness, but could hear wailing as women sobbed. I knew I was at the foot of the cross and I could not see anyone, but as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw the shapes of people. I “knew” that the women were there, Mary, Jesus’ mother, Mary Magdalene, and many women. I also knew that John was there as well. And I felt such tremendous love. At this point I was weeping uncontrollably. Suddenly the scene changed and I was witnessing a great upheaval as mountains were burning and turning into hot red lava, just being disintegrated as they burned, rose, and then melted away into a hot red flow, The verse came to my mind from Psalm 97:5, “the hills melt like wax at the presence of the Lord.” I had always interpreted that verse as a display of God’s wrath, His judgment, but at that moment I realized that the mountains were not melting because of anger or wrath or judgment, but it was pure love that was melting them! The heat of that love was incredible. I began experiencing waves of love tumbling against me like those of the ocean. Then I “heard” a voice say, “Faith will move mountains, but love will melt them! My love will melt the mountains!” The group waited for me to compose myself, and once I stopped weeping, I was able to tell them what I saw. I was “out” of the vision, but still experiencing the waves of love. I worked nights at that time, and during my shift, I kept having to lean against a wall or pillar, anything stationary, because the waves kept rolling over me to where I could barely stand. Even days later, if I stopped to remember or retell the vision, I would feel the waves of love. As I reflect on this, words can’t convey the intensity of all the emotions I was allowed to experience from those around me in this vision. In a small way, I have some idea of how God experiences the feelings of all humanity at all times. After “feeling” the intensity of such love, I will never “pooh pooh” emotion, or the expression of it, especially that love, for after all we are created in the image of Him who is love, especially now that we are “born again”, for in so doing, I would rather be able to be at the foot of the cross than despising the feelings of ones who are and will be able to go there or anywhere in the footsteps of love. As one who sometimes has difficulty openly expressing affection, I truly want to experience and demonstrate this intimate, pure love now more than ever. This is the love that the Church had for each other in Acts and the love John himself wrote of. And if you notice, Peter and John ministered together after the Crucifixion. I believe Peter saw in John what he himself lacked, and not only recognized it, but he appreciated the love in John that he had once so despised!

   Only love will take you to the cross. Of all the disciples, only John followed Jesus to the cross. Only the women and John were there. The glory of God won’t, the revelation of God won’t, sheer determination won’t, having authority over devils won’t, teaching won’t, deliverance won’t, having the power of God won’t, the anointing won’t, the fire of God won’t. That is why people can experience the fire of God, the power of the Holy Spirit, miracles, signs, and wonders, and yet not go with God. Only the disciple “whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23), the one who leaned on Jesus breast, was at Jesus side during the trial, and at the foot of the cross. Love will go there in the face of all opposition. Love will drive a woman to wash Jesus’ feet (Luke 7:37-39) in the company of those who despise her, no matter how they try to stop it, no matter how they speak against it, in the face of what they think or say. Love will go on in the face of the fear of man. Love will press in when everyone and every thing says Stay back! After all 12 disciples vehemently expressed their loyalty, and Peter most emphatically of them all – Peter the bold, outspoken one – yet the humblest, weakest, most despised (John being the youngest of the apostles and the women) followed their heart of love. Peter cursed the Lord openly, John and the women went to the cross (John 19:25-27). When you hesitate or draw back, pull away from the Lord, love is not in operation, fear is. There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18). Perfect love casts out all fear. Peter was fearless, bold: John was intimate.
   Psalm 97:5 The hills melt like wax at the presence of the Lord. I used to picture that as a judgment, God’s wrath going forth. After this revelation, now I know it is His love that melts those hills, those mountains of unbelief. Faith may move the mountain, but love melts it!
   The Israelites and Moses experienced the manifest presence of God, but love brought Moses into the reality of God. The Israelites wanted a way out of everything, Moses wanted the Way. Love will go anywhere with God, high or low, easy or hard, rocky or smooth. Enlarge me, enlarge my capacity for Your love. In Song of Solomon, the bride hears the Bridegroom at her door, but doesn’t want to get her feet dirty. Love will get its feet dirty. Love will go where it’s hard, where it’s unpleasant. I would rather be a John! Show me Your way of love, no matter how hard or painful. Baptize me in love, drown me in love, smother me with kisses of love – knock down the walls, I’ll help You! Let me lean on Your breast that I may hear Your secrets, see as You see, from Your point of view, from the position of Love!

   Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man would offer all the goods of his house for love, he would be utterly scorned and despised.

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9. So…I’m reading you to say that I can’t overcome sinful habits and I might as well face it. No matter how much my adultery, lies, hatred, greed, or pride hurt Christ and others, I’m going to have to accept that there is nothing Christ can do but forgive me. That’s your gospel, the “power of God unto salvation”?

   He has no power or I have no way of receiving it to keep me from being a slave to sin even though Christ condemned slavery to sin? For all who find hope in this message, I would have to believe

   If you think his was Luther’s message, then you couldn’t be more mistaken. He was very, very clear about what he called active and passive righteousness, something you have failed to do.

   I know what you desperately want to get across, but I have little pity for that pastor you mention who kept a mistress for years because he had a bad marriage. It was this very hypocrisy Jesus condemned! What of those whose trust he violated year after year? Of course he can be forgiven, but the scars he has left will remain for the rest of his life.

   I’m a recovering addict, married three times, and have suffered repeatedly from clinic depression, yet I am currently pastoring two churches, have been clean since 1995. Of course, I’m still a sinner in need of the blood of Christ. I have nothing to boast of, least of all in what a great sinner I am. I understand forgiveness and grace, their glory and my need, but your message offers little hope in my eyes for those needing more than forgiveness. (Yes, there is much more than forgiveness in the gospel. It also contains the righteousness of God). I hear little of the hatred Christ himself had for sin while he loved the sinner.

   You’ve given a theology of the flesh void of the Spirit, Romans 7 without Romans 8. It is true no good thing dwells in my flesh, but “those in Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with it’s passions and desires.” Your piece is built on anecdote rather than exegesis and the consequences is a gross distortion of the gospel.

   You have made the words of Christ about keeping his commandments, about overcoming, about freedom in him to be completely nonsensical.

   Men and women “addicted to porn”, among the other sins you mention, are not Christians no matter what they profess. They are lost souls in need of real, tangible grace that will empower them to repentant, to change.

   Your cheap grace is exactly what Bonhoeffer decried in the Cost of Discipleship. It isn’t grace at all, just a cheap rationalization for those who refuse to drop the hammer and nails.

   This is the “Christian” message the secular moralist mocks. Well they should.

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10. Because Jesus’ promise to sinners is good.

    If your life brings you assurance, that’s great. Mine doesn’t.

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11. “We have Christ, and so, in the future, his life will manifest in us in resurrection and glory.”

    If that isn’t happening now, at least to a noticeable degree, how can you believe it will happen then?

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12. I’m glad to see several have mentioned Yaconelli’s book, Messy Spirituality. Really good and pertinent to the topic and questions at hand.

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13. I really needed to read that. Thanks so much, iMonk.

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14. Psalm 51:16-17
    For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

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15. Bob, your comment made me weep. Thank you for your forgiveness. Even if it’s vicarious, representing what you went through and what I put people through, it really means a lot to me.

    MAJ Tony, thank you for your help as well. I need to be reminded of those things. I used to try to save people from your church, “Babylon.” I didn’t even celebrate Easter because I considered it pagan. But I have received so much wisdom and grace in the past few years from Roman Catholics. For so long my narrowness and zealotry prevented me from receiving help from other members of the Body of Christ. I will write out your comment and keep it on my desk.

    Happy Easter, everyone. Thank the Lord that He is still real, still alive, and still speaks.

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16. Bob,

    Perhaps this idea will help you. Most of the New Testament (all the letters and John’ Revelation) are not history nor stories of Jesus, but men trying to put out fires. They are trying to either clean up messes, or to prevent them.

    We don’t get to read about Paul and the church leaders talking about what went wrong and how they erred. That’s personal, and done privately.

    It is also likely that those letters were destroyed and/or considered too personal to be shared with the churches.

    I suspect that if we knew more details about the people that Paul mentions at the end of his letters, we would see the problems, the messes and the healing of relationships.

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17. Treebeard:

    From my Roman Catholic perspective: two things.

    You seem to have a well-formed conscience. Keep running the race; you are being saved.

    While penitence for our sins is a positive thing, remember that forgiven is forgiven. Do not despair; that is Satan trying to trick you. Do right and fix what you can, thru God’s grace, but don’t get in His way in the process.

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18. treebeard,

    I labored long and hard under leadership like what you descibe when I was younger. It was painful. I am still damaged, I think, though I manage to muddle through. I’ve been out of touch with the people who put me through that for decades. They aren’t around for me to forgive. And they probably wouldn’t apologize anyway. But, it sounds to me like you’re due for some forgiveness. For what it’s worth, here’s the forgiveness of someone who was damaged on the receiving end of what you were dishing out, though I got it from other people. Don’t know if that makes any difference from just someone typing away on the other side of the internet, but there it is for what it’s worth. Happpy Easter.

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19. Michael,

    I hate to be a naysayer, and I hate to be the only one in a list of about 100 other comments. But here goes. But first, let me be clear, I am not wanting to challenge you. I desperately want every word you have said here to be right. But I’m not seeing it. If you can prove me wrong, you will do me a great service.

    The thing is, there were alot of screw ups in the Bible. Even when Jesus was right there with us. But, when I look at Acts and the Epistles, I see alot of suffereing but, after Acts ch. 2, very few real screw ups. We could mention a few, like Paul and Barnabas at loggerheads, but by and large, Peter, Paul, John, everybody, just become real heroes. We can see messed up churches like Corinth, but, 1) the folks the NT spends its time on don’t act the way they did and 2) when Paul deals with churches like this, he doesn’t sound — forgive me — very much like you did in your heartfelt post here. And then I look at Jesus himself saying things like, “Be ye perfect” and “If you love me you will obey my commands” and I just don’t see alot of tolerance for screwing up. I hope that’s not blasphemy!

    Anyway, I’ve been laboring under the remains of my fundamentalist past for a long time now. And one reason I can’t get out from under the pile is because I can’t out-argue from scripture those blamed fundamentalists that used to drive me crazy. Anyway, if you’re ever looking for a topic for a next post, you would help this one guy out trmemndously if you could deal with some of the passages from the Bible I’ve mentioned in the context of the kind of point you’re trying to make here. Thanks.

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20. Anna A, thanks very much. I found the Newton book online and will start reading it. I appreciate the help.

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21. iMonk,
    Thank you SO much for writing this. I have to admit I almost didn’t read till then because I am a “plastic christian” and I felt what you were saying was blasphemous. It goes against what my churches have preached. BUT, the part of me that questions & seeks truth asked the same question that Miguel asked:
    “If Jesus only dwells in sinners, are we still sinners when He dwells in us? I mean, I of course have continued to sin I don’t even want to argue that I’m perfect. But haven’t we been made righteous before God?”

    KenB’s answer clarifed and reinforced what you iMonk blogged. I feel a greater sense of clarification about struggles with sin.
    We won’t be totally without sin until we are glorified (receive our resurrection bodies).

    Until then, I am & will be a sinner. It’s not good news. But it is a truth I can live with Jesus as opposed to the truth my churches have taught. “If you are a saved, you should do this & that”.

    Jen, your post is my life almost to a tee. It’s very encouraging to read comments from others who have believed depsite what “Shiny Plastic Christians” tells us. I want to thank each & everyone of you who commented. I have gained more answers from this blog I stumbled across than I have from other church leaders I’ve asked.
    AP

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22. This reminds me of why I love the liturgical church’s inclusion of confession and absolution in worship. It’s not very visitor friendly to have people hear us say “I, a poor, miserable sinner…” but it reminds us of the very thing that the evangelical church is lacking by helping us see ourselves as broken, sinful people. And then we get to hear that we are forgiven – spoken to us in the absolution and then again in the sacrament of Holy Communion.
    A friend of mine left our church because in her evangeligal zeal she believed she had now been made righteous (like ZAP) and she didn’t want to refer to herself as “sinful and unclean.” This is so muddied be evangelicalism but churches can stand up and help make it clear- they’re often just afraid to go against the current of what is “obviously working” at the mega-happy church doen the street that they are already losing members to.

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23. iMonk:
    Awesome post, reminds me of a few other people:
    Steve Brown, Mike Yaconelli and his book:
    Messy Spirituality: God’s Annoying Love for Imperfect People

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24. Treebeard,

    May God be with you.

    Two suggestions, find and read a biography or autobiography of John Newton.

    Find (assuming that God allows you) “The Utternace of the Heart” by John Newton. That is a collection of letters that he wrote. I had my copy 7 years before I read it. And when I did, it was exactly what I needed to read at the time.

    Remember this, that you don’t know if the people that you hurt will not return stronger in their faith, nor do you know that you are the only cause for their decisions. Only God knows that.

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25. I’m curious, if iMonk and others can address something. Sorry that this will be a long comment.

    I was a Christian worker for a number of years, bascially a lay-minister. To many I was “successful,” in that I was a gifted speaker, and helped many people get saved, turn to the Lord, etc. I was able to open up the Bible to people, and they received help. I had many people thank me for what they received from the Lord through me, and I did my best not to be puffed up by it.

    Yet now, many years later, I am constantly haunted by regrets and “if only’s.” Part of it is that the group itself, which I won’t name, was very controlling and authoritarian, and I became the same way. I was judgemental towards people with poor attendance, or who weren’t sufficiently “consecrated to the church,” etc. I regret that so much, because I never wanted to be like that when I began to serve the Lord. I wanted to be a grace-giver, not a Pharisee, but I became the latter in many ways, and offended many people.

    But part of it is also a genuine sense of failure. I worked in several “fields,” including campus ministry, serving with younger couples, then with high schoolers, visiting various churches, and also publishing sermons and messages. And each step of the way was mostly a failure. It’s not just that I didn’t do what I ought to have done, or that I made many mistakes. There were casualties, real casualties. There were sheep, the Lord’s people, that I harmed. There were people who would have been better off if they had never known me. I was supposed to represent Christ to them, and instead I represented the flesh, including all sorts of religious legalism. And I can’t get over all those wonderful people who were beginning to follow the Lord, and because of my coldness or neglect or impositions, turned away.

    A few of them went to a life of sin. A brother who loved the Lord so much became offended by me, and then moved in with his girlfriend and lost whatever Christian testimony he had. Then another brother I treated improperly, and if I had been gracious and spent more time with him I’m near certain he would have grown in Christ. Instead he got discouraged and married an unbeliever. I tried to help a young couple with marital problems, they were starting to break through, but then they divorced anyway. I spent time with a young brother who had drug problems, he was getting free from them, he was becoming a joyful person, then I neglected him because of other “Christian” responsibilities, and he fell back into drugs, dropped out of school, stole some merchandise, and disappeared.

    So here’s my question. How do you get over all that? I can say, truthfully, that I’m a very different person, and have indeed experienced the brokenness from sin and failure. I know I need Christ so much more than I used to. But I can’t help wonder, “Lord, did there have to be so many casualties? Fine, I learned some lessons. But what about the sheep that you gave me, and I harmed them? How do I get over feeling that it would have been better for me never to have served You at all?”

    I fully know, and believe, there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. Praise the Lord for this. And I believe that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. But why do these memories keep coming up in my mind? I pray for these people, that the Lord would heal their wounds, including the ones I inflicted or didn’t prevent. But I wish my own brokennes didn’t come at such a cost to other people.

    I assume that other Christian workers (or ex-workers) can relate, and I just wonder how you all have dealt with these types of experiences. Thank you.

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26. My fav. comment is by Rob: “Spell check is not perfect when you are tired and have been drinking.” Something about it embodies visually what this whole post is about.

    One story: I have a Christian friend whose life went down the drain, to the dark side of the streets. “What did your family say about all of this?” I asked him after he began the road to recovery.
    “They thought I had lost my faith,” he said.
    “Really? That never occurred to me,” I told him, and watched the tears form in his eyes.
    “You can’t know how much that means to me,” he said and told me how Jesus was with him in the crack houses.

    How small I feel, and how embraced in that grace that doesn’t let go.

    Thanks for the real post, imonk. I read Ragamuffin Gospel recently with the same resonance. Happy to know you like Robert Capon — “Between Noon and Three” is an interesting parable of grace. Also consider the poetry of Jane Kenyon.

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27. That is the single most powerful version of my “walk with God” I have ever read.

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28. Ezekiel 36:25-27, “Then “I” will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; “I” will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from your idols. Moreover, “I” will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and “I” will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. “I” will put My Spirit within you and “cause” you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances.”

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29. Anna A,

    My wife was simply ready for me to talk to her. It went well, she always responds to my broken spirit. God has given me an amazing helper.

    Of course, the return to brokenness was exactly what I needed. I found this blog just days ago and even today’s post about canon is so relevant to me. I’m not the blog type either.

    Also, I actually finally found a job. (Yes, I understand the irony of the article and that fact – **I found the internetmonk and God gave me a job – Amellujah!**) It was the one place I swore I wouldn’t apply and sure enough, they hired me.

    I have sent a few people to the iMonk article here, I hope they read it. I know so many of my friends that are struggling and can’t even approach church and Christians because they deny their brokenness.

    Thanks for your concern Anna A.

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30. Thanks for the recommendations.

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31. Mike Yaconelli
    Every single word by Robert Capon. Start with the Parables.
    Brennan Manning
    Luther. Get the Dillenburger reader or just read his commentary on Galatians.

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32. Sorry to butt in again, but for Brian, another book recommendation: True Faced by Bill Thrall.

    Vicki in NC

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33. Forgive me if I speak out of turn, but to BRIAN may I recommend Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli.

    Vicki in NC

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34. IMonk,

    I think I got lost in the sea of blog entires. I was just wondering if you knew of any books that you would recommend that deals with this subject?

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35. I don’t perfectly know the point.
    I know people are hurting and in need.
    What are we and the evangelical church doing to help?
    What are we doing at all except building giant corporations disguised as churches?
    I’m sick of all of it and I can only guess that it is parts of the reason I am being pulled to the RCC. — Rob Lofland

    Some comment buried in one of IMonk’s threads pointed out that the RCC is a Serious Faith, while a lot of Born-Again Bible-Believers are NOT serious. (Happy-Clappy Praise Choruses, Joel Osteen, Todd Bentley, Harry Potter book-burnings, Keep Me Comfortable, not only reject the meat but spit out the milk, etc)

    When you’ve been force-fed cotton candy for every meal, ANYTHING is substantial in comparison. And twenty centuries of Catholicism has substance and weight.

    I am convinced, until we offer the full-weight of ourselves to our brethren, to our families our communities that we will remain as effective as a mannequin in a relationship. — pmonk

    Why am I thinking of “Real Dolls”, Inflatables, and plushies when I read that?

    Maybe not “ineffective” per se — there IS a market for Real Dolls and inflatables — but do we really want that kind of “relationship”?

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36. “Christ Dwells Only With Sinners”

    this is echoing around in my head… like a hammer striking the bell..

    “In our weakness He is made strong”..

    I am convinced, until we offer the full-weight of ourselves to our brethren, to our families our communities that we will remain as effective as a mannequin in a relationship. We are no longer human and we are something they can’t relate to, in fact nobody can – not even other mannequins, for there is no “real self”, we remain dead, as wood carved into an image of a real thing.

    Thank you for bringing it all here Michael.

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37. Spell check is not perfect when you are tired and have been drinking.

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38. i had dinner and rinks tonight in a national chain restaurant at the bar.
    I met several interesting people.
    The first was a woman whose husband is dying of cancer.
    She is not religious but has complete faith that her husband will be healed. If not it is OK.
    The next couple I talked to were 2 gay women who were completely OK with who they are and who they will be. They are not “partners”.
    One of the girls was a Southern Baptist and knew all the right answers.
    Lastly, I met a woman who had lost er sister and best friend to cancer in December 08.
    Her husband, who had been laid off, commit ed suicide in January.
    I don’t perfectly know the point.
    I know people are hurting and in need.
    What are we and the evangelical church doing to help?
    What are we doing at all except building giant corporations disguised as churches?
    I’m sick of all of it and I can only guess that it is parts of the reason I am being pulled to the RCC.

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39. Keep the faith Michael, and stay broken please. Recently listened to your most recent interview with the beloved Steve Brown—good stuff. This post hits home with me, needed the reminder. I don’t see the pride (who doesn’t have any?) here near as much as I sense a humility and a recognition of who God is and who you are.

    Pascal’s words came to mind… “There are only two kinds of men: the righteous, who believe themselves sinners; the rest, sinners who believe themselves righteous.”

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40. Well, I can see honesty is required here. I found much to agree with and praise, but think it is dangerously incomplete, almost like the flip side of the Evangelical thought that is so fun to despise. Seems like a lot of pride in our brokenness. I kinda liked Theophilus’ comments. But I could be wrong; I often am.

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41. Luther was right – “simul justus et peccator” True words we should (I should)always remember.

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42. “There’s a reason why Spectacular Testimonies were associated with travelling itinerant evangelists.”

    FABULOUS.

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43. Excellent post. This is absolutely accurate: they are interested in how screwed up you WERE, not how screwed up you are NOW. — Anna W

    I wonder how much of that Spectacular Testimony shtick is Christian Voyeurism, i.e. “All This Spectacular Sin Sin Sin — JUICY! JUICY! JUICY!” They want to drool over the spectacular past you had (and maybe wish they had), but don’t want to associate with someone so Corrupted on a day-to-day basis. There’s a reason why Spectacular Testimonies were associated with travelling itinerant evangelists.

    No one wants to deal with the present brokenness. There is a bias or judgment that one’s problems are of one’s own making (like it’s your fault you’ve got depression, for example); and that if you prayed harder, tithed better, or whatever, you’ll be fine. — Anna W

    AKA “Five Fast Praise-the-LORDs Will Solve Everything!”

    But what if you pray harder, tithe better, Praise God like a Talibani, and you’re STILL messed up? And you’ll get turned into a pile of rocks if you admit it, like a flock of chickens pecking a “defective” to death?

    It is easier just to tell them that “I will pray for you,” than to say, “What can I do to help?”

    Which is why, when someone says “I will pray for you (TM)”, I paraphrase Captian Sheridan of Babylon-5:

    “You have a saying: ‘I’ll pray for you.’
    We also have a saying: PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS!”

    I’ve never been popular with Shiny Happy Christians…

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44. The most profound piece I have ever read. You say things that most of us have thought and experienced in ourselves and others but were unable to give voice for fear of being critical, judgemental and, of course, honest. I still want to believe, however, that He can save us from some of our misery, that we can really change with His power and I have seen in a “few” people I have known. When does he “deliver” and when does he not and why?

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45. I am so impressed with your writing. I was raised a Calvinist, spent some time as a Buddhist, and 18 months go found out I was a Christian at an LCMS church to which I now belong. I have also read your article on the fall of Evangelism. I am so thankful that Jesus wants me as a sinner because I am never going to be good, thin, give up my temper, or a thousand other things. But those things are what make me a useful servant on some days. And on others, just a sinner.

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46. Amen to iMonk’s great post and to the comments. I particularly enjoyed the insightful observation by j. michael jones, who likens this blog to “almost like an underground church,” where “you feel loved, normal, and safe – in Christ.” I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone who comments here, including iMonk, but so many of you are enormously encouraging – in Christ.

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47. Christopher Lake,

    May I share a woman’s view? (I admit that I am probably more of an outlier than most women are.)

    At one time, when I was open to the possibility of marriage, I was open to being the stronger partner. Being the one who made more money etc., while the man would be doing what God called him to do, etc. I never got close to finding out whether I could have handled that. (Unspoken assumption, my partner would have to be able to allow me to be weak at times.)

    I never did find anyone like that, so I consider myself past the marital expiration date.

    I hope that you find some like I was back then.

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48. Indeed we are simul eustis et pecator, at the same time saint (thanks be to God for declaring us righteous for the sake of Christ) and sinner (all thanks to us).

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49. I feel that I don’t have the right to comment here because I came into this discussion late and I have not had time to read all the previous comments (but most of them). I will just add again, excellent work imonk! Again, with so many responses it seems that you’ve hit a raw nerve.

    But, this is the hard thing. You come to this cyber-place, almost like an underground church, and you feel loved, normal, and safe— in Christ. But as soon as I leave and re-enter the local Christian world (above ground), it is like walking into to Disney World. The flowers, bricks, trees, all look real but they are really fake! There is the extreme expectation, if you claim to be a Christian, then you must live like you’re inside (think Mary Popins here) a Thomas Kincaid painting!

    But life here often sucks. God agrees. Solomon agreed. Job agreed. But to admit it, looses a lot of Christian friends.

    The worst part, is looking through the cracks in the fiberglass castle and getting glances of the—supposedly good—saints emotionally abusing their spouses, using guilt manipulation to get their way (as a church leader), and who knows what lurks in the really hidden places. At least I know I’m a jerk, often depressed, anxious . . . I just wish they would let me be honest about it.

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50. …NOW THIS IS THE IMONK WE WANT TO FOLLOW….THANK YOU!

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51. Sorry. Let me just add to my post – I am not indicting Southern Baptists. When I said it was a good church (good in quotes) I really did mean it was good in most ways, for spiritual growth etc. It was there that I learned the foundational aspects of my faith. I probably should have not been that specific, as what I said can be said of many sorts of churches.

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52. Excellent post. This is absolutely accurate: they are interested in how screwed up you WERE, not how screwed up you are NOW.

    I have been to my share of conferences, talks, retreats, et al; and you articulated something that had been nagging at me all along–it’s “happy problems.” These are the problems that are easily solved by “Ten Steps to that,” or “Five Principles for this.”

    No one wants to deal with the present brokenness. There is a bias or judgment that one’s problems are of one’s own making (like it’s your fault you’ve got depression, for example); and that if you prayed harder, tithed better, or whatever, you’ll be fine.

    This probably sounds cynical, but to me, one of the reasons people don’t reach out and help others with their present brokenness, is simply that it will inconvenience them. It is easier just to tell them that “I will pray for you,” than to say, “What can I do to help?”

    During a period of difficulty a few years ago, I had to take a second job to make ends meet, and that meant that I had to work on Sunday (when I could get hours) and I didn’t get to church. I missed it, but what I missed most was that no one called to ask where I was. (This was a reasonably small church where people knew each other, not one of the mega-ones where you’re just a face, if that). But the kicker came one day when I was at work and the pastor came into the store to shop.

    He recognized me and asked where I’d been–when I told him that I had had to take a second job, he paused briefly, then said, “Well, that’s life,” and went on his way.

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53. Saint Rich got it…..

    Now people say maybe things will get better
    And people say maybe it won’t be long
    And people say maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow
    And it’ll all be gone
    But I only know that maybe is just ain’t enough
    When you need something to hold on
    There’s only one thing that’s clear

    I know there’s bound to come some trouble to your life
    But that ain’t nothing to be afraid of
    I know there’s bound to come some tears up in your eyes
    That ain’t no reason to fear
    I know there’s bound to come some trouble in your life
    Reach out to Jesus and hold on tight
    He’s been there before and He knows what it’s like
    You’ll find He is there

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54. This is the mark of Christianity–however much a man toils, and however many righteousnesses he performs, to feel that he has done nothing, and in fasting to say, “This is not fasting,” and in praying, “This is not prayer,” and in perseverance at prayer, “I have shown no perseverance; I am only just beginning to practice and to take pains”; and even if he is righteous before God, he should say, “I am not righteous, not I; I do not take pains, but only make a beginning every day.”

    St. Macarius the Great

    And whoever mentioned Jean Vanier and l’Arche… indeed, the Gospel is good news for the permanently broken. One reads about or sees such places, and for a brief moment, the thought occurs: “Yes, this is goodness. This is the Gospel.”

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55. Amen!

    I was having just this discussion with some friends the other day about how the points when doubt and questions arise (what some consider signs of a ‘bad’ christian) are some of the most beneficial points in faith!

    I personally never ever trust a leader who doesn’t limp and have noticed that actually the people that God has used to do great things are those who are broken and have wounds that they display – not as a trophy but as a sign of their ‘unfinishedness’

    It reminds me of the Casting Crown’s song “Stained Glass Masquarade”;

    “Is there anyone that fails
    Is there anyone that falls
    Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

    Cause when I take a look around
    Everybody seems so strong
    I know they’ll soon discover
    That I don’t belong

    So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
    If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
    So with a painted grin, I play the part again
    So everyone will see me the way that I see them

    Are we happy plastic people
    Under shiny plastic steeples
    With walls around our weakness
    And smiles to hide our pain
    But if the invitation’s open
    To every heart that has been broken
    Maybe then we close the curtain
    On our stained glass masquerade

    Is there anyone who’s been there
    Are there any hands to raise
    Am I the only one who’s traded
    In the altar for a stage

    The performance is convincing
    And we know every line by heart
    Only when no one is watching
    Can we really fall apart

    But would it set me free
    If I dared to let you see
    The truth behind the person
    That you imagine me to be

    Would your arms be open
    Or would you walk away
    Would the love of Jesus
    Be enough to make you stay”

    Love that song…

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56. I cried through my reading of this post and comments, prayed, and after a bit, laughed. When I first came to know Jesus, I was a pre-teen, young teenager in a Southern Baptist church. It was a “good” church. I received pretty fair instruction in lots of things ((I was there on Wednesdays, Sunday nights, youth meetings, and one of probably 6 people (out of thousands of members) who would show up weekly for door-to-door witnessing.)) Well, I have some different thoughts about knocking on doors now.

    Anyway, I most sincerely wanted to follow Jesus Christ. I most sincerely believed in Jesus. I still do. It was unfortunate that I began to suffer from chronic depression at age 12, but could not put words to this until I was 18. I did not know what was wrong with me.

    My church practiced “easy prayerism”. Odd that I came upon that term just last night (see website… http://www.wayoflife.org/database/unscripturalpresentations.html – and yeah, I disagree with lots of opinions expressed in the articles therein, but I like to know all about Christianity of every sort everywhere). And as I had quite given my all in this “sacrament” (believing rather magically about it – I was not really sure if one could change those words much and really be saved), repented and changed and repented and changed and repented and changed and…. Was this the way it was supposed to work? I had no clue from committed fellow believers that maybe their life was not a bowl of cherries. I must be doing something wrong. Must need to go through that again, or re-dedicate my life or get baptized again. And that seemed good, and I would get it “right” again, and so on until I couldn’t get it “right” any more. For years.

    I was exhausted.

    Astoundingly (or not at all astoundingly) none of this made me want to stop trying to serve God, from believing in his Son. Not because I was so faithful, but because God is faithful, and His mercy quite beyond definition.

    And so eventually I, with many stops and starts, found a church where I could live with who I am, and continue to try to be who God wants me to be. What a blessing the internet is. To live long enough to be able to put a framework around what was incomprehensible. To quote Finney, His yoke is easy (“agreeable, gentle, gracious, useful, kind”).

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57. I was clinically depressed once myself, not quite suicidal, but not too far away either. I was not a believer until many years later, long after I recovered. My thoughts then were so despondent I doubted I could ever be happy, but here I am today serene and practically giddy by comparison. God was a big part of it to be sure, but some part of it was just me learning how weak I really was and how my pride and anger were so falsely based, petty, childish, and self serving. I had to be broken first before I would seek God at all. Not sure how much different that journey would be if I had faith at the time.

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58. “I will groan, and do battle, climb the mountain of Holiness with wounds and brokenness and holy battle scars, but I will climb it, since Christ is in me.”…Great image. Not to be trivial, but another image that comes to my mind a lot is from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where the only way through the decapitating-contraption is by kneeling.

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59. Great post!

    Martin Luther once said:

    “The saints in being righteous are at the same time sinners; they are righteous because they believe in Christ whose righteousness covers them and is imputed to them, but they are sinners because they do not fulfill the law and are not without sinful desires.

    They are like sick people in the care of a physician: they are really sick, but healthy only in the hope and insofar as they begin to be better, healed, i.e., they will become healthy. Nothing can harm them so much as the presumption that they are in fact healthy, for it will cause a bad relapse”.

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60. Thank you so much for this! Amen!

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61. You wrote:
    “Evangelicals love a testimony of how screwed up I USED to be. They aren’t interested in how screwed up I am NOW.”

    I visited a TINY evangelical church last Sunday evening and found it refreshing that everybody seemed so honest about their lives. Is it possible this TINY evangelical church is TINY because it welcomed honesty?

    You wrote:
    “Why do we want to add our own addition to the parable, where the prodigal straightens out and becomes a successful youth speaker, writing books and doing youth revivals?”

    If he “straightens out” he must deny his inner prodigal. He must live a lie. But when the goal is to build a successful anything, one must never show weakness. I know this is true. I receive this message a hundred times a day in a hundred different ways.

    Reflecting on a Bonhoeffer quote I read last night in From Brokenness to Community. “He who loves community destroys community; he who loves the brethren builds community.”

    If the goal is to build the biggest and most dazzling church, community will be sacrificed. Of course. It’s not about the brethren, it’s about becoming number 1.

    I love these lines from Michael Card’s song ‘The Sunrise of Your Smile’

    “Reject the worldly lie that says,
    That life lies always up ahead.
    Let power go before control becomes a crust around your soul,”

    I don’t want the prodigal to buy into the worldly lie and believe himself straightened out. This lie is far too pervasive and even when you know it is a lie and a trap, it’s too difficult to let go.

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62. If I can add a “PS,” some readers of this blog may remember that I once wrote about how my wife and I have a very good relationship. For the most part that’s actually true, despite the depression issue and my own bad temper. It’s weird, just like the Christian life. It’s a wonderful marriage and a disaster all at the same time.

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63. 1Cr 9:27 but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.

    1Jo 5:4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world–our faith.

    1Jo 4:4 You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.

    2Ti 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith;

    I still believe that though the fight be long and bloody, it is winnable.

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64. Oh Lord. What a post. And the comments. I really don’t have the words.

    I struggle with depression as well, and am married to someone who doesn’t understand or sympathize. (But she also has experienced so much abusive behavior from me that I don’t blame her.) I honestly thought I would be better by now.

    Yet I feel like I am much closer to the Lord now than I was many years ago when I was a well-respected and prevailing Christian worker (in the context of our little sect). Because who I really am is obvious to me now, and there’s simply no getting around all the sins, and all their consequences. I can’t pretend anything. So I’ve been praying a lot lately, “Lord, just have mercy. I’m so sorry for who I am. I need You.” Not much has changed, and yet a lot has changed. And I know He’s present. I would rather be broken, than be as self-deceived as I once was. I really need Him now.

    I don’t know what to say to those here who are dealing with depression or other limitations. But I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. And I thank you for giving me that assurance as well.

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65. Great post… reminded me of my first time reading “The Ragamuffin Gospel” and getting some honest and realistic commentary on brokenness and God’s grace. It was a turning point in my own post-evangelical wilderness wanderings, eventually leading me to the Lutheran church, where real confession, real grace, real Law and Gospel were vibrant in ways I’d never seen before.

    The One-Upmanship that Headless Unicorn Guy so accurately describes is at least in part due to the terrible insecurity that many Christians are laboring under. If they can prove that other “bad” Christians aren’t really saved, they can hope to validate the reality of their own faith on the basis of comparing themselves to others. Whole Sunday School curricula are written around ranking yourself on a 1-10 list on how well you think you’re doing with this or that virtue. Comparing your own “fruits” to others, rather than trusting Christ’s word of promise, becomes the entire basis for assurance of salvation.

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66. Thanks for saying what the unbelievers around us already know.

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67. Thank you so much, Michael. A lot of today’s American Evangelical “Christianity” is precisely the opposite of what the NT teaches. The hooray for me, “I’m Saved”, crowd has driven many of our younger generation into total skepticism regarding the faith. Dietrich Bonhoeffer called this “Cheap Grace”, meaning grace without repentance, and regarded it as deadly to the church.

    C. S. Lewis said (paraphrased) that a moderately bad man knew he was flawed, but a really bad one never did.

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68. God bless you Michael. I really mean it….God BLESS Michael with the insight and ability to continue writing things like this.

    This causes me to worship Him in a way that is almost painful. Exquisite.

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69. Chris Lake: For what it is worth, I don’t believe the advice you have gotten about refraining from relationships until you have a better income is good at all. It was perhaps well meant, but horrific in its implications. Are we to compound poverty with loneliness? I don’t know if you’ll find someone, but don’t be afraid to try. For heaven’s sake don’t put it off until you have more money.

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70. “You people with your Bibles. Look something up for me? Isn’t almost everyone in that book screwed up? I mean, don’t the screwed up people- like Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, Hosea- outnumber the “good Christians” by about ten to one? And isn’t it true that the more we get to look at a Biblical character close up, the more likely it will be that we’ll see a whole nasty collection of things that Christians say they no longer have to deal with because, praise God! I’m fixed? Not just a few temper tantrums or ordinary lies, but stuff like violence. Sex addictions. Abuse. Racism. Depression. It’s all there, yet we still flop our Bibles open on the pulpit and talk about “Ten Ways To Have Joy That Never Goes Away!” Where is the laugh track?”

    I make it a whole lot higher than that. If you look at the characters in the Bible you have only two that do not see death. One guy in Genesis who goes out for a walk with God one day and doesn’t come home and one prophet of Israel who rides off in an Angelic Chariot. Adam, Noah, Abraham, Gideon, Samson, David, Solomon, just to keep the list short. Then in the new testament things aren’t much better. Peter, Paul, James and John (the thunder boys), John Mark (Barnabas’ Nephew) ….

    The crazy thing is with everything we know about psychology now, we would have to be insane to think that we had any chance of being better than the folks listed above. And in the Best Life / Name it, Claim it; Blab it, Grab it philosophy of American christianity we are in fact institutionalizing and internalizing a failed and insane model. The wonder isn’t that brothers and sisters are falling under the bus because of this load, but that more have not.

    In Alcoholics Anonymous a common definition of Insanity is doing the same thing, the same way and hoping for different results. We need to go back to the old formula: We are saved from the penalty of sin; we are being saved from the power of sin; we will be saved from the presence of sin. (Apologies to A. W. Pink for any errors in the formulation) For all except a very small number, the transition from Church Militant to Church Triumphant occurs at death.

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71. Last night I read Jean Vanier’s ‘From Brokenness to Community’; Thank you to whoever recommended it. Anyway, I read that little book and read this post and comments. I was left with too many thoughts to organize.

    Jean Vanier talks about something I was forced to wrestle with a couple of years ago. This world tells us to be strong, tough it out, grow thicker skin, be in control. With arrogance I looked at people of faith as being too weak to take control of their life. Being in control, to my mind, was the first step to becoming a winner.

    Then when I first came to Christ I prayed for more strength. If I wanted anything from Christ it was the ability to be stronger and tougher and more in control. After all, somehow my mind had condensed all of faith into the need for a helper in becoming a winner.

    God told me TRUST, not STRENTH. I took this to heart and I saw that tougher skin only kept me from communicating honestly. Control is a lie and an illusion, but I have found it very difficult to surrender.

    “Christ dwells only with sinners.” This is good news.

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72. “To us who are being saved, (the word of the cross) is the power of God” (1 Cor. 1:18) seems to give lie to the concept of “once saved…”

    Cynthia’s story should, in my opinion, give pause to the number of my fellow Catholics who seem to think married priests are a great idea, and I have an aunt who married one (he’s no longer serving, but did get dispensation from Rome and had their marriage regularized.) I think they would be okay as long as the priests who were married were not pastors, but understood they would not normally rise above the associate pastorate (RCCs only have ONE pastor per parish) or “parochial vicar.” That would help us with having enough priests for confessions, etc. and not put undue strain on their marriages.

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73. I’ve loved this post since the first time I read it, probably in 2004. It reminds me of Steve Taylor’s song “Jesus is for Losers.” — Recovering Christian

    More like “Jesus is for Losers” in the midst of “I Wanna Be a Clone”.

    Thank you for this excellent post. I think another element in the tendency to lie to ourselves is insisting on having a “date” you were saved. I have met people who don’t believe I am truly a Christian because I can’t give an exact time when my life changed… — Damaris

    You too, huh? Except it’s not just “a date you were saved”. I’ve seen bragging about the exact date/hour/minute/second, in a “Can You Top This” game of One-Upmanship.

    And it all comes down to “I’m Really Really SAVED! And YOU’RE NOT!” All the hedging, all the date/hour/minute/second bragging, all the Shiny Happy Christian pretending, all the parsing of your experience to PROVE You Weren’t Really Saved or Have a Demon or whatever — it’s all a Big Game of One-Upmanship.

    I have no black & white, “Before and After” conversion experience. — Mike

    Well, that makes two of us. At least I’m in a Church (RCC) that acknowledges both abrupt and gradual conversion experiences as valid.

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74. Great essay.

    If I had only read and been able to accept/believe this kind of sermon 40 years ago I might have had a very different life. Perhaps not a better one but a different one, free of seeking that magical cure for my raging alcoholism and egomania.

    It is true that part of AA understands brokeness better than some churches. But there is also a prosperity gospel sect in AA: “Since I got sober I got a great job, a wonderful wife and family and a giant pickup truck.”

    But we all need a lot more of what you are talking about and a lot less of almost everything else.

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75. Thanks. I really needed that, Michael.

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76. IMonk,

    What books do you recommend that covers this very subject?

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77. Amen, amen.

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78. Michael,

    Thanks for this. I’m going to be using it. This post reminds me of how AA was able to see something in the NT that most churches miss–and put it into workable practice.

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79. Thanks for these encouraging and honest words

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80. Thanks, Michael. I needed this today.

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81. I took several deep breaths while reading this and will need to print it out to think further on it.As a chritian woman forced by cruelty and disfuntion to leave her husband (a pastor) I understand the meaning of this line:”Evangelicals love a testimony of how screwed up I USED to be. They aren’t interested in how screwed up I am NOW”… Lying in the proverbial ditch after divorce, the religious walked by looking the other way or in horror stopped to gaze at the one who, by her very state, told them what they did not want to know…we are screwed up. Pastors and Pew sitters alike. Although the honesty of your post leaves me aching and the brush with which you paint seems too broad, I appreciate what you have written.

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82. “We love those who know the worst of us and don’t turn their faces away.” – Walker Percy

    I’m a young seeking Christian and over the past 10 years I’ve wrestled with the plastic, shiny Christianity that is ever present. I have no tolerance for it anymore. I would sit and hear people play God to their own lives, explaining that he was doing this or that in language that I couldn’t understand, and couldn’t honestly employ myself.

    This always turned “spiritual experience” into something I felt an outsider to, and I have had long discussions with my father in various formats about what many of these things “mean” and he has been patient and supportive and helpful in pointing me to many fantastic and great authors who break molds. CS Lewis, Flannery O Connor, Walker Percy, Soren Kierkegaard, Shusaku Endo, heck even “contemporary controversial figures” like Rob Bell have done wonders for me and my (also young) friends in giving a voice to our perspective and experience of “cheesy, fake christianity.”

    I’ve never been comfortable with giving “my” testimony, while at the same time greatly desiring real testimony from others, to know what they have been through and done. I disliked the idea in my context because it implied that I somehow understood my whole life up till now, and could plainly see God in it. It’s never been that clear to me. I borderline on agnosticism about it half the time.

    I have no black & white, “Before and After” conversion experience. I only have each moment to surrender to God in faith, question in doubt, or go numb and ignore it all.

    I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.

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83. Thanks for this. The one thing that I find most helpful about confession is that it forces me to focus on my own sins. Nobody else’s sins, not even my mother. It’s hard. It’s even harder when I realize that I struggle with the same basic sins over and over. There is never a time when someone “arrives” at the point where they never need to confess their sins anymore. I have heard priests complain about people who come to confession and say “I’m ok, I feel good” and they have to restrain themselves from slapping the person silly and shouting “You’re good! I see the way you demean your wife or yell at your kids, don’t tell me that you’re good!” Being sensitive to one’s own sins is tough, feeling actually sorry for them is tougher, realizing that you’re constantly a sinner in need of repentance is tougher still.

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84. let us know when that book is available for pre-order…

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85. Thank you for this excellent post. I think another element in the tendency to lie to ourselves is insisting on having a “date” you were saved. I have met people who don’t believe I am truly a Christian because I can’t give an exact time when my life changed — because I have spent my life becoming gradually more aware that God’s hand has undergirded everything I do. People want there to be a sharp dividing line between the sinner and the saint. But salvation, I’m coming to realize, exists in all tenses: I was saved, I have been saved, I will be saved — and most importantly, I am being saved daily. Too many of us think of salvation as the one-time rescue — as if I had been drowning in the middle of the ocean and someone in a boat picked me up. Yes, I was truly saved from drowning, but now what? Is the rest of my Christian life just going to be drifting around in a life boat? Or am I going somewhere — to some distant shore, a journey that will require work and endurance and suffering? Christians who have been told that being pulled into the life boat was all there was to salvation are going to be disappointed and, well, bored with the Christian life. I felt that way for many years, but now that I know that I was not only saved from drowning but am being saved for life on a new land, I have hope, and there is purpose in prayer and fasting and growth through suffering. This little boat is not all there is.

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86. The antidote for this disease is known as “the doctrine of sin,” and it’s powerful. I’ve been blessed by a few books that apply sound doctrine to our ongoing war with sin. Here are two:

    * Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say I Do”
    * Kris Lundgaard, “The Enemy Within”

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87. Thanks for your great post, Michael. I feel mighty relieved of false guilt!

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88. Great article. In my experience sometimes when you phone a Christian friend they will tell you they will pray for you but why not just lend an ear to hear what is the actual problem?. I believe the Holy Spirit will give you wisdom to help a friend in need. We are called to be the body of Christ meaning the parts that do the work…

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89. Wow- just wow and so human. Thanks once again this is good stuff.

    In Britain- although we use the same language as you guys- the culture is the opposite….. and yet…when I have preached on a similar theme the word has come back ‘we don’t often hear that’. Thank you.

    My fave song I think, sums this up ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’; I believe, but I still don’t- all at the same time.

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90. Keeping it real! Jesus came to save sinners, of whom I am the worst… life is tough, but Jesus is good… for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain… great stuff iMonk 🙂

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91. Thank you. As I face my own frailities and follies, it is refreshing to hear the truth. It is a joy to know there are others out there that struggle with life just as much as I. It is painful to acknowledge that I still have the same problems that the rest of the world, but thank you for the truth, and the challenge to go forward.

    Thank you.

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92. Michael,

    Thank you for writing this piece. I do think it is possible to make significant progress in the battle against sin in one’s life, but you are right– when we begin to win against one sin, the Holy Spirit will reliably reveal others to us. This is not a cause for despair, but it is a call to Biblical realism, which you portray so well here.

    At the moment, I am an unemployed 35-year-old single man with a disability (Cerebral Palsy) who is physically unable to drive. The pain, loneliness, and sense of a lack of accomplishment in my life are so deep at times. The only thing that is deeper is the truth that God is sustaining me.

    I want to find a loving Christian wife, but the Christian men around me tell me not to even initiate anything with a woman until I am in a financial place to support a wife. Their counsel is surely wise. However, not being physically able to drive doesn’t exactly help my employment situation. I’m not sure when or if things will change for me, financially, any time soon.

    Meanwhile, I struggle with loneliness and sadness, as so many other Christian men my age are well established in their careers, with loving wives and children. Will I ever get there? I don’t know. I hope and pray so. I will continue to try. As I do, thank you for comforting me with a more honestly Biblical view of the Christian life than I see or hear in many other places (save for some of the writings of David Powlison, Ted Tripp, and a few others). I look forward to your book, brother.

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93. Thanks for that. It’s been a hard Lent and this post really put me in a better disposition to approach the latter half of Holy Week and Pascha to follow.

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94. This brought tears to my eyes. You must write a book about this!

    My parents were missionaries and I grew up in evangelical churches that were full of hypocrisy and lies. I am now in my forties but I still feel rage when I think of the dishonesty of “good Christians”. And the worst of it is that the guilt and shame of being a “bad Christian” is a crushing burden that I can’t seem to shake even though I know it’s a lie.

    Thank you for the reminder that Jesus only wants sinners. He has already won the victory and we [i]will[/i] be victorious too… one day.

    God bless you.

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95. Thanx Ken!
    For some reason it’s so hard to wrap our minds around…

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96. I’ve loved this post since the first time I read it, probably in 2004. It reminds me of Steve Taylor’s song “Jesus is for Losers.”

    In the years since I became a believer, I have not experienced an unending series of triumphs over one sin after another. I have struggled, I have fallen, but bloodied and torn I have persevered in the hope that Christ is working himself out in me (and in my tortured grammatical constructs.)

    It’s nice to know that someone else understands it too.

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97. “His father baptized him in mercy, and resurrected him in grace”

    *chills*

    I came from a home group tonight where we discussed this very thing. The freedom to be broken, human. The promise to walk with someone who is experiencing a “dark night of the soul.” The promise not to cop out by saying “everything’s going to be alright,” but rather walk with the person in their suffering, pointing to Christ and declaring that there is hope, no matter what the situation.

    I’m so, so, so grateful for people who understand what the Gospel is and does.

    Imagine if the Gospel was preached with this application….or promise, rather? Redemption is ongoing. Come to Jesus.

    Thank you.

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98. There may be a typo here:

    I don’t know why KNOW one believes it, but I love it.

    Only mention for the sake of getting it book-ready.

    This stuff absolutely blew me away.

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99. thank you for this. this is indeed Good news for it is all about Grace!

    like to share this quote from Richard Lovelace “many of us base our justification on our sanctification.”

    have a blessed day!

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100. Don Cole once said “I am not a christian, I am becoming a christian (like Christ).

     I am in my early forties, I have bipolar as a yhorn in my flesh. My father and mother suffer from mental illness. 2 of my children suffer from depression, another daughter days that her bipolar dad has ruined her life. I begin to lose everything I had in cycles of mania then depression in my late teens. I did not know what was going on until my late 30’s. My wife says a real man needs to pull up his boot straps and take care of his family (she uses Scripture out of context to make her point). My pastor wanted me to make a public confession of my diagnoses to our congregation, and I guess he wanted me to asks for forgiveness for being sick.

     Medicines only neuter my spirit and cause weight gain and bank account drain.

     All I (we) have is Christ, the hope of glory.
     Amen

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101. Yes, yes, and get this: God still uses us broken people in miraculous ways to do the work of the Kingdom!

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102. Thanks. Good stuff.

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103. Miguel: You askd -“If Jesus only dwells in sinners, are we still sinners when He dwells in us? I mean, I of course have continued to sin I don’t even want to argue that I’m perfect. But haven’t we been made righteous before God?”
     My answer is that we are declared and accounted as righteous, but solely on account of Jesus’ death for our sin. His perfect obedience (His Righteousness) is credited to our account with the Father. That’s justification. We are being made righteousness — although never becoming totally what the Father has already declared us to be. IOW, we are “being” sanctified (set apart — made holy). We won’t be totally without sin until we are glorified (receive our resurrection bodies).

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104. This is exactly why L’Arche and Jean Vanier are such a needed witness to the church and to the world. They, and this essay, remind us that Christ’s Kingdom is for those who are weak, broken, and disregarded.

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105. iMonk, the best thing I have ever read from you. I will link this on my blog and save it to read again and again.

     Simply, thank you.

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106. read this post, skimmed it really out of the corner of my eye, the way a scavenger looks at a BIGGER scavenger while scanning for junk…. in a day or two, I’ll take a breath and really read it;

     just before EASTER….this is perfect timing, Michael

     and the book comes out, WHEN ???

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107. I suffered from severe depression and was headed for suicide until I found a church and a church family full of similarly broken people, who embraced me and showed me the meaning of love.

     Until then, I had no idea that such a thing existed in organized religion/Christianity. That Jesus is with us, crying with us, healing us with His grace, — not waiting to condemn us to Hell for not being perfect.

     The other day on Facebook I encountered someone who was asking for prayer for depression and anxiety, and who was getting advice along the lines of “have the church elders cast out your demons.” I sent that person a supportive note and a prayer. She replied with the most touching email, saying that her church friends would not support her but that a total stranger (me) had reached out.

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108. “Dear Lord Jesus –

     If its all the same to you, I’d like to go back to being born just once. It’s not that I don’t appreciate everything You’ve done for me, and that I don;t want you for my Personal Savior. Its just that at this late stage of the game, I realize there just isn’t that much difference between Me 1.0 and Me 2.0.

     And I like once-born people better than twice-born, to be honest.

     So, if you can save that scared, arrogant, snot-nosed, angry, depressed kid that first turned to You, please save him, and not me. I’ve been away from myself so long I don’t know if I can find my way back.

     So, is it alright to call myself a Born-Just-Once Christian now?”

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109. I forgot to add.
     Thank you, Michael, for once again saying that which others will not.

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110. I have struggled with chronic depression all of my life. Even as a child.
     It has lead to drug and alcohol abuse and contributed to wrecking 2 marriages.
     It has caused me to lose jobs.
     Though it is somewhat better these days I still have my times when I can’t get out of bed or I am so paralyzed by the beast within that I cannot function.
     I can assure that there are people reading this right now who are saying to themselves for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop being so self-involved and narcissistic.
     The reaction I normally get from Christians is to pray more or read some book or spend more time in scripture or on and on and on …….
     It is a dirty little secret that church leaders don’t want to deal with or can’t.
     Oh and BTW. Do not waste your time and money at the famous “Christian” psychiatric clinics.
     I know intellectually that Christ is in control.
     It is my only hope.
     Knowing that as Galatians 2:20 tells me that it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.
     Otherwise I would despair.

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111. Great post as always, iMonk.

     I wonder if it’s only half of the equation. Do we need another post called “When I Am Strong: Why We Must Embrace Our Newness and Never Be Bad Christians”?

     To me that’s the heart of spirituality–embracing both the “Already” and the “Not Yet.”

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112. They are merely human, but their church says they must be more than human to be good Christians. They cannot speak of or even acknowledge their troubled lives. Their marriages are wounded. Their children are hurting. They are filled with fear and the sins of the flesh. They are depressed and addicted, yet they can only approach the church with the lie that all is well, and if it becomes apparent that all is not well, they avoid the church.

     To avoid being turned into a pile of rocks.

     Christian Monist has posted extensively on the pressure to be Shiny Happy Christians — all Happy Clappy on the outside and THIS on the inside.

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113. Wept over this reading. Thank you Michael for these insights. You have written what I could never verbalize.

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114. Tom,

     If you feel comfortable with it, could you please let us know that things are better for you and your family.

     I can’t imagine how hard it is for you and your family.

     May God’s bountiful and merciful grace just creep in and fill you, your family and your whole house.

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115. Wow, and I thought I was the only one who had these kinds of thoughts and reflections. Thanks again for speaking the truth and telling it like it is, Michael.

     I was richly blessed to be part of a SS class of admmittedly broken people for a few years, but the reality is that we were pretty much ignored by the church as a whole an the leadership, and eventually we were disbanded when a new “program” came along to “build community.” The reality is that most churchgoers don’t much like it when believers start being open about their brokenness. They want to keep this sort of thing off in a corner. As a result, those who admit their brokenness and struggles are always on the fringes of church life, almost never at the center. How we got it all so backward I do not know.

     Someday I want to go to a church service and hear silence instead of a bunch of “victorious” pop songs, and be able to fall on my face in the silence and cry, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

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116. Thanks for explaining the old adage, “I am a sinner saved by grace.” I always took this to mean that upon being saved, I was no longer a sinner but as time went on, I wondered about this. Now I know that I am a sinner saved by grace in that I, when I sin because of my human nature, am cleansed by the Blood Of Jesus when I recognize that I sinned and then ask for forgiveness and repent. I have also come to the realization that there are a lot of false doctrines around, like the prosperity doctrine, healing, etc..
     Of course I understand that IF God wills that I be prosperous and healed, it will be so. But God doesn’t always want us to have everything we want because it may cause us to deviate from or lessen our Christian walk. I have learned that when I am deepest in despair or feeling cut off from God, if I continue to cling to Him, He will rescue me. Praise God!

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117. Reminded me of Psalm 38:

     [3] There is no soundness in my flesh
     because of thy indignation;
     there is no health in my bones
     because of my sin.
     [4] For my iniquities have gone over my head;
     they weigh like a burden too heavy for me.
     [5] My wounds grow foul and fester
     because of my foolishness,
     [6] I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
     all the day I go about mourning.
     [7] For my loins are filled with burning,
     and there is no soundness in my flesh.
     [8] I am utterly spent and crushed;
     I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

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118. Thank God for his sovereignty – thank Him for leading me here today, now, at this time, to read this…

     Where I am at now, at this moment: I am sitting in the office of my parents home. My wife and I live here with our 6 week old Daughter, Eden. We live here because I blew everything a few years back. Drugs and liquor, masking deep sexual problems. After a few dozen inpatient, outpatient and halfway home stints, I simply couldn’t support us. Now that I want to work, I can’t get a job. We live in a basement, we literally have no money – and we rely on others for everything now for the last couple of weeks after we ran out of money.

     It’s not as bad as I want it to seem. Up until this last Sunday, I almost enjoyed my position. It seemed to afford me more than my share of opportunities to praise God for his provisions. Week after week of no returned calls, after 100’s of applications, resumes and interviews – they only seemed to encourage me that my God was in control.

     Something happened on Sunday. I think I just forgot. I don’t know if I forgot my weakness, my sinful heart or just forgot how needy I was of His grace. If I didn’t forget, I at least bought the lie: the Christian life should be better than this. Regardless, I know it happened Sunday.

     It started with my father – he was making noise above our living area. TV, walking heavy and simply doing what he wants in his own house. My wife and daughter were asleep, but I wasn’t. Didn’t keep me from using this as the ideal opportunity to get angry…thats all I needed. I of course, went and told him about. Forgetting about the shelter, the food and other necessities he has provided. Forgetting my wife and child were not bothered by it, most importantly.

     Through the anger, I overlooked my time with Him.

     The next day, I don’t even know how, I’m seeking my sin. My wife and I fight, I’m consumed with frustration. I notice I can’t even hold or look at my daughter. I’m not high or drunk, but I am equally disconnected from all that I know is good in my life.

     I’m only here, on this computer to avoid repentance. I’m only here to distract me from the fact that I am an awful sinner that only finds joy in his broken state before God. The last couple of days it just wasn’t good enough. I wanted to feel accomplished, or something. I know I didn’t want to feel weak, broken, dependent and needing of a God.

     Thank God for his purpose. Even in my attempts at distraction, He leads me here. I can’t even begin to explain. What a trip, technology. I was only browsing my RSS reader.

     I am going to get off this stupid computer and repent and seek forgiveness. I almost can’t wait to acknowledge every little stupid thing. I am then going to go downstairs, hug my wife and apologize for the last couple of days. Then, I imagine I will stare at my daughter and silently beg God for more mercy and more brokenness. God has used my little girl to teach me so much about my selfishness…this day is no different.

     Thanks for writing this. Thanks for just opening up our wounds and putting them out there on display…that is the only place for me to live and I forgot it. I forgot it quickly. And even more quickly than forgetting was how quick my flesh remembered.

     Thank you Father for my weakness and failures and caring enough to make them so obvious that I have no choice but to hide in you.

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119. This reminds me of two biblical requirements. The first is “dying to ones self.” (Rom 6:2-11) The second is “taking up one’s cross.” (Lk 9:23). These two scriptural references are, to my mind, what it really means to be a “good” Christian.

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120. Amen! I was raised in a mind-over-matter religion and struggled for years and years because I was plagued with depression and low self-esteem. I kept wanting to “arrive”” – to be healed, and I thought there was something terribly wrong with me for not becoming the happy, gentle-speaking, peaceful-looking, perfect Christian lady that I thought I was supposed to become. Although I’ve grown a lot in my Christian walk, I never thought I was good enough.

     I’ve been wanting to evangelize and encourage those who don’t really know Christ, but I’ve been stuck on the very issues you addressed.
     Thank you so much for being courageous enough to be so honest!

     I recently prayed from the depths of my soul for God to either heal me “once and for all”, or to show me what I needed to know in order to grow past where I am. In the last couple of weeks since that prayer I have heard two sermons that were outstanding: one on the book of Job and false theology, and the other was called “When God doesn’t Rescue”. Now with your article, I have heard from God three times in answer to my prayerful questions, and I thank you with all that is within me. If more Christian preachers would preach like this, I think thousands of non-believers would come to Christ.
     God bless you.

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121. Right on! It need telling.

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122. I have learned more fully about grace while spending the last few months in my wife’s Lutheran church than my countless years in evangelical churches.

     Thank you for this, Michael.

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123. This is good message about the “shiny, plastic” Christianity that seems so appealing and yet leaves the commmon man so emtpy. I must admit that it would be nice to forget my imperfections, but time inevitably reveals that God is not much into pretending.

     The difficulty in being a less-than-perfect Christian is that so many people that I would like to reach for the Lord judge my message by my life. It is difficult to talk about Christ redeeming man from the curse of sin when I will inevitably be challenged with the lack of perfection in my own life.

     After all, if Christ has redeemed me from the curse of sin, why am I still struggling with depression, addiction, etc.?

     I, too, ask the same of Christians who talk wonderfully of God’s love and grace when their own lives continue to be choatic and riddled with grevious errors of judgment. It would seem that at some point, placing one’s life in the hands of the Savior might bring about order and stability. God forgive me.

     Then again, perhaps “personal improvement” is a human expectation, when God expects repentence and surrender.

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124. Powerful stuff. Thanks for writing it.

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125. This is *my* favourite too. I went looking for it when you talked about essay summaries and I couldn’t find it. Thank you for letting everyone see it again:)

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126. Wow. Excellent post. If that’s gonna be in the book then I am definitely buying several copies.

     I almost hate to ask this because I’m sure you’ve answered it thousands of times…
     But I just can’t help but get confused every time it comes up:

     If Jesus only dwells in sinners, are we still sinners when He dwells in us?

     I mean, I of course have continued to sin I don’t even want to argue that I’m perfect.
     But haven’t we been made righteous before God?

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127. What a joy to read a truthful account of being a real Jesus follower. We are broken, and we will never be “fixed” on this side of eternity. Simply stated, our hope is in the One who did overcome, and to fall into His grace.

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128. Amen. The Gospel is good news for bad people, and good food for he starving. Thanks for the feast!

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