By Chaplain Mike
This is the post I wrote after learning of Michael’s death a year ago. I offer it again in the hope that it will help you understand how much Michael meant to those who now write on Internet Monk, and why we write about the things we do.
I had been wandering in the post-evangelical wilderness for a long time. But I never knew what to call it until I began reading Michael Spencer. And I never knew a genuinely safe place to talk about it until I entered the discussions on Internet Monk. Then I knew I had found a guide, and a group of fellow-wanderers.
The site’s popularity testifies to an undeniable fact: I am not alone. There are multitudes of us out here in exile, weary and dry-mouthed, panting for streams from which to slake our thirst.
- Longing for grace.
- Longing for some thoughtfulness and common sense instead of the gnostic fanaticism that tries to pass itself off as vibrant faith.
- Longing for a faith that is not simply another attempt to avoid, escape, or transform our humanity into something else.
- Longing for real good news of a real Savior for real people.
- Longing for a Jesus-shaped spirituality.
Michael’s blog was the first site on which I ever commented. I had found a kindred spirit. His posts and the comments he gave in response to those who entered the discussion revealed a no-nonsense lover of Jesus, tired of religion as usual, willing to point out “spiritual†craziness, never too proud to admit his own weaknesses, intolerant of intolerance, especially from those called to love even their enemies.
Oh yeah, and he loved baseball too. “What’s not to like about this guy?†I thought.
I drive a lot for my work, and Michael’s podcast became a regular passenger in my car. His homely accent, humor, and self-deprecating manner belied the depth of his wisdom. No one did better play-by-play on the evangelical circus. Listening to him, I nodded and laughed my way into insight.
Gail and I took a vacation in September last year to northern Tennessee. I got in touch with Michael and asked if we could meet Denise and him for dinner. We had a great time getting to know each other, hearing about the progress of his book project (he was so excited!), Denise’s conversion to Roman Catholicism, Michael’s own struggles with feeling at home in church, and the ministry of OBI, where he taught and ministered to students. A memorable evening for us.
Some time later, Michael asked me to do an interview on pastoral care for the dying. It was an honor to be asked to share this with him and the iMonk audience. This led to a couple of instances when I had a chance to minister to Michael personally as he dealt with some situations involving the deaths of friends. I was moved by some of the things he wrote about the unhelpful ways Christians deal with illness, pain, and death, and sensed some spiritual discouragement in what he was saying. So I called and we talked about it. I hope I encouraged him.
These conversations continued when Michael himself became ill. Almost from when he first began feeling bad, it seemed he knew something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t long before it was difficult for him to write, so he asked if I would fill in for him until he could resume. I did so gladly.
When Michael was admitted to the Markey Cancer Center in Lexington, Gail and I made a day trip down to see him. We had a good visit in his room, but Michael was sleepy and left most of the talking to Denise. At that point, the doctors still hadn’t pinpointed the main site of his cancer and none of us knew what he was facing.
And then commenced the path for the Spencers that I as a hospice chaplain have become all too familiar with: diagnosis, radiation and chemotherapy, a new life built around trips back and forth to doctors, hospitals, and clinics, coping with side effects, keeping family and friends up to date, dealing with visitors and inquirers, answering the same questions over and over again, hoping against hope. And then the day you learn the treatments aren’t working. Crossing the line from looking for a cure to accepting comfort. Until the final breath.
I drove down to see Michael, Denise, and the family a couple of weeks ago. Michael had just been admitted to hospice. He was still sleeping in his own bed. I was pleasantly surprised at how he looked and that he was able to talk with me about some matters related to Internet Monk and other things that were on his heart. I also enjoyed visiting with Denise, as well as the children and their spouses. In the midst of such a trying situation, I sensed God’s peace upholding and sustaining them.
I’ve been keeping in touch with Denise regularly since my visit, checking on Michael’s condition and how the family was doing. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble†(Ps 46:1), and it seemed to me that God was there, helping, each time I phoned.
As they were going through this, what a tremendous outpouring from cyber-friends too! Rarely did a day go by with someone asking about how Michael was doing, expressing appreciation for his ministry, asking if anything could be done to support him or the family. Michael Buckley held his art auction. Alan Creech had his rosary sale. Many, many folks simply sent checks or hit the “donate†button to assist with medical expenses. I’m sure there is a multitude of kind acts and generosity I know nothing about.
And then Denise called Monday evening and told us Michael had taken his last breath.
To be honest, I don’t know what to say about that.
Vocationally, I deal with death all the time. I comfort those who mourn. I lead grief support groups and teach others what happens when we lose a loved one. But it’s all a fog to me at the moment. Today, I am one of the grieving.
This is what I hear you saying as you write in the wake of Michael’s death. We are astounded that we could feel so close to a “friend†few of us have even met. In our contemporary world of internet “connections†we somehow found a genuine bond with an authentic human voice that had our best interests at heart and tried to give us Jesus. No matter that we only met him in cyber-space or heard his voice on a podcast. His death leaves a void and we fear that it can’t be filled again. At this moment, we don’t know what we feel, or where to turn.
Another kind of wilderness.
O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
(Psalm 63:1, NLT)
The Internet Monk Archives 
I first caught wind of Michael about 2 1/2 years ago when he was part of “the Jesus blogers” interview on The Drew Marshall Show (11/15/08). Then I listened to several of the recent podcast. Then I began to download everything as far back in the archives at the site allowed. I connected with Michael’s perspectives easily.
Michael was a special gift to us from the Lord. I miss him.
Tom
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Good stuff.
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I love this site. For me it’s home. I feel comfortable talking, I do feel like many of you here love me. And as an agnostic this is the closest I can see myself in terms of going to church. All too often when someone says they are Christian I run like hell in the opposite direction. The Christians I have stayed in touch with are very humble, and loving. And in one case they are not vocal about their faith, meaning they don’t wear it on their sleeve.
But I love coming here and talking with you guys. In some of the fundy megachurches I’ve been where I’ve pretty much been pistol whipped over confessing sin…I just know that I can never be “Eagle”. I can’t be honest and forthcoming becuase the church isn’t ready for people like me. Yet…I can log on my computer, go straight to the URL and I know I am home. As an agnostic I could be wrong….and I’m more willing to consider and admit that fact here becuase I know many of you are deeply interested in me long term. Unlike many fundy churches I am not a trophy to be bragged about as to “we saved 24 people…praize Geezus!!”. No…it doesn’t work like that…but here I’m willng to admit that maybe I am wrong and am willing to discuss it.
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I first read about michael spencer when I was looking at some articiles on Christianity Today and saw an advertisement for His book Mere Churchianity. I began to read about the book and liked what I had read. in the description it said that the author is better known as internet monk, so on a whim. I looked up the website. I have been hooked ever since. I actually visit the site daily. I am one of those who sat in the church pew week after week trying to deal with my doubts and fears while everyone around me seemed like they had it all together. I would talk about my fears and doubts, but rarely did people understand. I always seemed like I could not figure this whole Christian walk out. sometimes it seemed to be only grace, then other times I thought the new church hymn should be “whistle while we work”. when I began to read the ariticles on Internet monk, it was like I was reading someone who finally got it. who knew what i was feeling, and sympathized with me. I hated hearing that Michael had passed away, but I know that he is with Jesus, and with that hope we all will get to meet Michael one day. I just want to say thank you. thank you for preaching grace in a grace starved world. thank you for reminding me to keep trusting in Jesus, the author and finisher of our salvation. from what I have read, I know that we all miss you Michael. maybe God has internet up there so you can read all this (Just Kidding)
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Amen Dan.
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Michael was special. He was gifted by God in a special way to help the Church, I think.
Where else could you find a place to blog where Christians could come from all over the globe and from the many different ‘separated’ groups of Christian brothers and sisters ?
Michael created a ‘space’ for Christian people to come together again for a while, and visit with one another and share with one another. That is something of a ‘miracle’ in a time of 38,0000 different Christian denominations.
I am thankful for Michael. He did point to Christ. His legacy still does. He is missed.
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sorry. oops. typo galore
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Ditto. I cried so much the week Michael died, he helped me turn back to my first love, leave my pig sty of legalism, despair… Reading today piece, and Denise’s yesterday brings fresh grief yet how much sadder it is for y’all… I echo Rebekah: I too am full of gratitude, and oh so thankful that I M didn’t pass with Michael… Bless you guys & gals for carrying on.
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Recently I quit reading the online blogging world for 7 days. Too much information is not a good thing. My focus was distracted, my discontentment ever growing. It was a relief to be honest. And the times spent with the Lord during those 7 days were intimate and held with me through the day better.
At the start, I assumed I would just take a break and then go back to doing things the way I always had. I know, I know……it never happens that way.
I found in my heart the desire to return to all the places I once had gone was missing. I didn’t need all the cyber junk after all (and there’s plenty of junk out there!) Whew, it was like losing 15 pounds. Oh if only that were the literal case *smile*
The one of few places I knew I would return?
My commenting should answer that question.
I thank God for guiding me here months ago. The writings of many, Micheal included, that are dripping with the grace, is exactly what this prodigal desperately needed and continues to need!
I’ve been to many Christian sites in my 3 1/2 years since coming Home. Finding that legalism and criticism is alive and well brought great dispair. I am thankful to Imonk and all the people who were welcoming to me and all the others who are bruised and shattered by Scripture touting know it alls.
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I first heard Michael when he was interviewed on Steve Brown, Etc (the first interview, I think). I immediately realized that his work was (and is) something special. Over the years it’s given me tons and tons to think about and really helped during some rough times in my walk. It’s been the only blog site that I regularly follow.
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This was the first post I read when I first discovered the iMonastery a year ago. As we mourn Michael’s death and continue his legacy, I want to thank all of you for the conversation that has been so significant in my life.
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I am about to finish Mere Churchianity which I consider a must-read for all disciples of Jesus. Thanks be to God for the life and ministry of Michael Spencer and may God continue to comfort his family and all who miss him.
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My story is the same. After reaching a crisis point in my faith, I finally found internetmonk, where I learned for the first time that I was not alone in my feelings. Where I could not articulate my feelings about church, Michael voiced the thoughts and feelings in my head. For a few weeks I devoured all the essays in the archive section, before I realized that the man behind the essays was no longer around to write new ones. Even though I had never met him or even knew about him before he died, I desperately missed him and wished he could write more.
The teachings of Michael Spencer helped me to realize that I was not the only one wandering through this post-evangelical wilderness, and that there was still hope for me to not just give up on Jesus.
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I miss Michael’s heart-felt writing. It never failed to move me in one way or another and it was why I kept returning to this blog.
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I miss him too. In the vast wilderness of Christian churchianity, he shone as a light for me in my faith and in my ministry. He knew Christ, and he knew the Body of Christ in the Church, and in a world where far too many preachers are hucksters, charlatans, corporate CEOs, self indulgent egoists, and preachers of a false Gospel, he understood what being a priest of the Most High God meant, and how a priest must be a very real “alter Christus”. And I am grateful that he never failed to remind us that being a disciple meant carrying a cross.
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I miss Michael.
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I started reading internetmonk after Michael had died. I was reading his archives and realized a month into it that this man had died. I was crushed! I know that for me in my own journey, internet monk was the beginning of a genuine walk with Jesus. It was the first time I could be open about how I felt on a number of topics within the Christian life and not be attacked. Mere Churchianity was the first Christian book I had read in probably ten years. It was the first of many. This legacy is so important because so many people’s lives have literally been altered because of this. The funny thing is life transformation began to take place but not in the way that so many evangelicals portrayed it. Thank you Spencer family for sharing Michael with all of us!!
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