This is difficult for me to write because it is both humbling and humiliating. My pride is being shattered to admit on a stage before tens of thousands of readers (our stats show more than 80,000 unique visitors come to the iMonastery every month) what I am going to share. But I suppose it’s not a bad thing to have my pride shattered, is it?
For almost 40 years now I have been involved in either broadcasting or publishing, mostly in the Christian realm. I worked at the pioneer Christian FM radio station, one of the first to drop all paid programming and play contemporary Christian music supported by—Gasp!—commercials. I taught radio broadcast at two highly-respected schools for a combined fifteen years. I have been in the Christian publishing world for the last dozen years, serving as senior acquisitions editor for a large Christian book publisher, and then as a literary agent representing many bestselling authors. Up until about 18 months ago I was bringing in a six-figure annual income. But then…
But then the publishing world did what I had been predicting for five years: Because of careless business practices and not being aware of the changing needs and interests of consumers, this world in which I worked collapsed. Bookstore chains consolidated or shut down (Borders will either be sold or will liquidate by the end of July, and Barnes and Noble just announced that they lost $74 million last fiscal year). Mom and Pop independent bookstores, once the bread-and-butter of the retail book industry, closed at an alarming rate. Publishers reduced the number of titles they acquired and published by half, which led to many of my good friends being laid off from their editing roles. Fewer new authors could even get a returned phone call. Publishers stuck with “sure bets”—books by big-name authors who have a high public profile. Who cares if they actually have anything to say or not. If you pastor a church of 10,000 or more and speak at a lot of conferences and are on TV, I could probably get you a contract. (Meanwhile, if you were simply a daily follower of Jesus who happens to have something unique to say and possess great skill as a writer, well, let me introduce you to the world of self-publishing.)
By the end of 2009, the law firm where I worked as a literary agent could no longer afford me. We were placing fewer authors with publishers, and those contracts we did land were for much less money than in previous years. So I was laid off at the end of that year.
I have not been without work since I was 14 years old. In 1973 (ok, using those two numbers you can figure out how old I am) you could stand in my parents’ driveway, look left, look right, and every yard you could see I had cut at least once. Most of them many times. I was the designated vacation lawn-cutter of the neighborhood, as well as the regular keeper of a number of lawns. Soon my friend and I (he had a car and could drive) expanded our business into surrounding neighborhoods. When I turned 15 I started working at a Christian bookstore managed by an elder from my church. In college I worked at the campus bookstore and in the TV production department. My senior year I was working at two radio stations and cutting grass at a retirement village. (I also made the Dean’s list, though I have no idea how or why.)
Since I graduated I have never been without a job—and often worked two or three to make ends meet. (College professors are not exactly overpaid. Nor are youth pastors or magazine editors. Thus I held all three of those jobs at the same time.) I am not a workaholic, but neither do I shy away from hard work. So for me to be without a job was foreign to me. What was I to do?
My first instinct was, of course, to take matters into my own hands. I know how to prepare a resume, I interview very well, and I have a lot of contacts in many industries. There were churches looking for an administrator or communications director. Colleges had announced openings for which I was well-qualified. There were a few publishers actually looking for editors, and the ones making the hiring decisions were friends of mine. So it should have been a piece of cake to land another job, though it would probably mean I would have to move from where I have lived much of my life since the mid-70s. But then…
But then God moved in me. (This next bit will irk those of you who don’t believe God actually speaks to us any longer through anything but the Bible. Deal with it. And isn’t “irk” a weird word?) He spoke very clearly to me as to what I was to do. He directed me to Matthew 6:33:
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Sure, I had read this hundreds of times. And I had mentally accepted this as a good thing. Yet now I was being asked to actually live it. So I brought this before some of my friends.
“Can we actually believe the words of Jesus? Are they really a solid foundation we can live on?”
“What do you mean?” they asked.
“Are Jesus’ words true, or are they just nice things we say in church or repeat to someone with a grin when we don’t know what else to say?”
“Uh,” they said, “I guess they’re true.”
“Ok, then. I’m going to trust that Jesus really meant what he said and I’m going to live by them. I’m going to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and trust that all these things—what to eat, what to drink, what to wear—will be added to me.”
I know the Bible. I know it well. I can take you to passages that show God to us in many different situations. But I had never—not in my (at that time) 36 years of walking with Jesus—actually had to believe what he said was true. I never had to bet my life on his words. I never had to live my life as if Jesus really meant what he said. (I told you this is very humbling to write.) My full-time “job” became seeking first the kingdom and the righteousness of the King. The Holy Spirit helped me by stripping away all I had held dear to me. I began to see myself as I really was: a nice man who thought his niceness actually pleased God. A man proud of being a hard worker. A man who wanted people to see him as a strong Christian through the things I said and through the deeds I did. You say these are not bad things, and perhaps that is so. Yet the Holy Spirit wanted something much more in me, something much deeper. And the surgery he performed in me was excruciating. There were days I didn’t know if I could go another step. Â But then…
But then God would come to me with a word from Scripture or Oswald Chambers or Robert Capon. Or from Eagle or Martha of Ireland or JoanieD or so many of you. God popped up to me in movies and in books and in music. He constantly reminded me He Is. He constantly called me to trust him, to believe he has not forgotten me, to know that there is a deeper reality which I don’t understand right now. He called me to not lean on my own understanding, and this is a very, very hard lesson for me to learn.
I had some freelance writing and editing that brought in a bit of money, but not enough. Until this time I had not been in debt other than my car and my house—and in the case of my house, I had more equity than I had debt left to pay, so I felt I was in a good situation there. But now…well, American Express and Visa became my constant companions. Now I was up to my backside in credit card debt. I know all the Dave Ramseyites out there will tell me I should have cut up my cards a long time ago, but then I would be sleeping under a bridge. (And this site would not still be running. Someone has to pay the monthly hosting charges and other associated costs.) I had to lay my financial debts before the Lord and trust him for those as well. Yet God did always provide “all these things.” Bills were paid. Meals were eaten. Clothing was worn. (Those of you who will want to argue that I didn’t rely on God but rather credit cards will get no reply from me, so give it a rest.)
There were days when I got fed up with it all. I decided God was moving too slowly for me and I would have to take matters into my own hands once again. I would get dressed in something other than shorts and a t-shirt and head out to apply for jobs. I never got out the door. The Lord would stop me each time with a strong conviction I was not to do that. I was to seek him, his kingdom, his righteousness. I was to trust him to take care of everything else. And if I was not going to do that, then I was never going to be able to walk farther with him. This was not something I could just skip over. I had to go through.
Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people. (Oswald Chambers)
Fire. Flood. Wind. Storm. Whatever you want to call it, I went through it. God used this to strip me bare. I had nothing, I was nothing.
Then one night I thought, “I wonder what working at Target would be like?” So I drifted to their web site, expecting the Holy Spirit to forbid me as he had many times already. But he didn’t. So I applied online, hit “Submit,” and went to bed. A few days later I was called in for an interview and was offered a job on the spot in their electronics department. I took it. Still no conviction from the Spirit. But then…
But then I started in on my training. (I told you this is humbling and humiliating. Even as I write this I can feel a hammer pounding away at my pride.) I have a master’s degree. I have the personal cell numbers of the best-known Christian authors in my phone. I … I … I was now being trained to operate a cash register by kids just out of high school. I was being shown the proper way to dust the bottom of shelves. I was being schooled in how to use a walkie-talkie. I had to punch a time clock. All for just above minimum wage. I was crushed. Why had God let me get into this situation? Isn’t being a Christian supposed to mean endless victory?
He reminded me of the story of Joseph we find in Genesis. Joseph had dreams where his father and brothers bowed down to him. He no doubt expected endless victory as well. But then came the day when he was thrown—by his brothers—into a pit, then sold to the Ishmaelites as a slave, then sold to Potiphar. Working under Potiphar, God showed Joseph great favor so that he was given responsibility over all of Potiphar’s household. But then…
But then Potiphar’s wife falsely accused Joseph of attempted rape and got Joseph thrown in jail. Things were just not going according to the way Joseph thought they should go, were they? In the jail God once again showed Joseph great favor, so much so that the jailor put Joseph in charge of all of the other prisoners. You know the rest of the story. Joseph was brought before Pharaoh, correctly interpreted Pharaoh’s dreams, and was placed over the entire land of Egypt. In this position he prepared for a coming famine in which he not only saved Egypt but also his father and brothers. It was not as Joseph had pictured, but it was as God desired.
I have no idea what the future holds for me. Right now, God is granting me great favor at my store. When I started, our electronics department was ranked 76 out of 78 stores in our district. This past week we were number one. It’s not because I have some magic technique for pulling money out of customers’ wallets. It is the favor of the Lord. Will I be falsely accused and thrown in jail? I don’t know. If I am writing the script, that won’t happen. But over this last year I have learned to hand over pen and paper to my Lord and let him write the script he would have me follow.
So, there you have it. You now know that the publisher of your favorite web site (we are your favorite, aren’t we?), one of the most read blogs on the entire internet, wears khaki and red and asks, “What may I help you find?” I am now to the point where I look forward to my days at my store. I am making new friends. I am being sought out by colleagues who want me to pray for them. I have been able to speak encouraging words to customers—“guests”—who come in with heavy hearts. (A guest recently came in to get  GPS unit. She and her husband were moving to Houston as their house in Joplin had been destroyed by the tornado. She couldn’t get the unit at the Target in Joplin, for that was also destroyed. I was privileged to be of help to her and speak a kind word to this wounded heart.)
If you are going through a situation in your life where you think you will not make it, I understand. Now I really do understand. Life seldom—if ever—works as we want it to. If I can encourage you in one thing, it would be this: God orders our circumstances, no matter how hard or crazy or rough they may be. No matter how hard you try to prevent these circumstances from being in your life, it is God who directs the path on which we walk. The best thing you can do is to give up control and float on God’s endless sea of grace and mercy. Stop trying to swim to safety. The only safe place in this world is to be right where God wants you to be. Yes, I know it may look hopeless. I have faced many hopeless moments these last 20 months or so. But then …
The Internet Monk Archives 
Jeff – The story you told is very close to what my life has been the past 5 years. Back then I heard God say, “Follow me, I want to challenge you. I want to take you on an adventure.†The past 5 years have been a series of failures and loss of pride and possessions. Often I have wondered if I really heard His voice or if the whole thing has been a huge mistake. More than once, in my despair, I have begged God for death. Better a quick end than to die by what feels like 1000 cuts. But I’m too far down the road now, there is no turning back. All I can do is hope, trust, and do my best to follow. Your story, though unfinished, gives me hope. It think there must really be something very good at the end of our respective roads.
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Beautiful! Thank you for this….I have so found it to be true in my own life.
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thank you Jeff…seriously.
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Thanks – I learn from your down-to-earth spirituality:
1) Go only to where God sends you to serve.
2) Serve God where you are.
3) Serve God wherever you will be.
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Jeff, it would be an honor to be served by you. In all things, do the best that you can – honor God whether you’re a Target employee or a high-fallutin’ preacher. My thoughts are with you during your harder and humbling time.
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Jeff, thank you for telling the truth about what is happening in the publishing and book selling businesses. In the past few days I talked with one person who is sending their short story manuscripts to some business that for $15 – $20 supposedly reads them and tells them how to get published (so far she hasn’t been published), and with another person who is considering quitting their full time job to write full time, “depending on the Lord” to help them make enough money to support their family. Perhaps you have some advice for them and people in similar circumstances.
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Not having a job and waiting , waiting waiting , one of the most difficult things. Was also cheated out of a load by a man making sweet Christain type sounds back home. Shouls also incude my own stupdity/cupidity.
Once you get some job it is often just “keep on trucking”
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Miguel – This hard time you’re smack in the middle of sounds like it also has depressive edges to it. Your frustration is understandable – but…is it helping you in any way? Not really. So find someone to talk to about this – a medical doctor and/or a really good, qualified, well-trained psychologist. You may need some chemical therapy, coupled with some talk therapy.
And find a place where YOU can worship. I was a Protestant pastor for 17 years – I retired last December – and I sometimes would sit in the back of a Catholic or Episcopal church at a weekday Eucharist or Vespers service and just quietly follow the beautiful liturgy and try to be still enough to hear the Holy Spirit. I get your feelings about the over-emphasis on the ‘personal relationship’ aspect of our faith – it’s become hackneyed in some circles, almost to the point of meaninglessness. BUT please allow room for God to move in and through you in a profoundly personal and deeply meaningful way.
Take a tiny bit of time and try to write down when and where you have ‘felt closest’ to God – outside? in a gorgeous cathedral? in the faces of children? in natural beauty? in an art gallery? listening to some kind of powerful music? Then read through your list and figure out a way to do those very things regularly. This is getting in touch with how YOU are wired to experience the holy (and this is what i mean by deeply and profoundly personal) and you simply must find your way to feeding that hunger. This is what we’re called to as followers of Jesus, as believers in the Triune God. I am so very sorry for this point of struggle – and I heartily thank Jeff for writing about his own struggle so beautifully – but please, please find a way back to a centered, non-bitter place of waiting for whatever it is that comes next. Many many blessings.
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Oh Jeff ~ what beautiful heart-felt words you wrote! My eyes teared up as I read this. Thank you for being an example to me of what an obedient believer is and does. I know God is using you to bless those “guests” and others as well. This article sure has blessed me.
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Jeff, I can relate.
I gave up my construction business as I sought to follow God’s leading. Ministry and writing became the focus. All while trying to follow, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.â€
This ongoing journey included fourteen months as an overnight stocker at Walmart. Like you, I never would have expected God to lead me to such a job. Sort of,“God do You know a have a lot of skills?â€
It was the hardest job I ever worked—physically and spiritually.
I was happy when God moved me on. Through it all though, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve joked, but it’s true: if you want to go into ministry you need to work third shift stocking at Walmart.
Target will do also.
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All I can think to say, is that it must be hard and I’m sorry and wish you could have your old career back.
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My aged parents lived with our large family for a while so I understand what you are going through. Sadly, because of severe personality conflicts and a father who wanted to play patriarch it didn’t work out (and took a while for my marriage to recover). Still live with that pain……
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I’ll answer this one – from my perspective….
Worked all your life getting ahead doing a good job, good at your profession…and suddenly your not wanted anymore. On top of that many of us men are judged, or judge ourselves on our paycheck, and when that get’s cut by two-thirds or even three-quarters its depressing not only to the budget, but to the ego. I am being honest here – there’s all kind of christian answers that would point to – “this is not the important thing” and I would agree ideally, but it still hurts, initially, until time and sense come into play. Kind of like Fun with Dick and Jane (Jim Carey version) so funny to watch – yet in some sense that is what is going on in the corporate world as the labor pool shifts offshore (and lets face it – that trend isn’t changing anytime soon).
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I am going to post once more on this and then I will leave you alone.
I misspoke in my last post. I meant to refer to when you did not leave the house for the purposes of seeking work, rather than for other reasons. That sounds a lot to me like a symptom of depression associated with not wanting to confront your situation in order to change it. I am sorry, I really do not mean to offend, but I care about you too much to not let this be said. The fact that you have are on medication for depression is a relief to me because I have come across far too many people who reject such medication based on their religion. If you are on medication for depression, I assume you are under the care of a doctor, and as such, can I at least ask you to mention this feeling about not leaving to search for work? Even if it is not related to your illness, it will be a useful thing for him to know as he calibrates your mental health and your reaction to events.
Please know that I say this from a place filled with love and concern from you.
James.
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I don’t want to sound trite, but — Paul made and sold camping equipment. You’re in very good company. Thank you for sharing this part of your life.
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Ja boet, ander van ons sit noord van die 49ste breedtegraad in -40 winters om die kos op die tafel te sit. Maar dit is ‘n seën, en wat verby is is verby.
Work is noble and good. But the hard lesson is that the work that contributes to the economy, directly or indirectly, is the one that keeps on putting bread on the table. Adam’s curse and all that.
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@ Damaris: same scenario with me (eons ago) but my tune was Jefferson Airplane and the cops literallly pulled my out of my “65 Mustang and hauled my skinny %&&^ in to jail. Should’ve gone country…..should’ve learned to rope and ride…….
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We should learn to be transparent, just like Jeff is doing here. We struggle, and the world is struggling along with us. I’ll be praying for you, Jeff.
Love this….thank you LEE.
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that’s MARTHA…. phat phingers……
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THIS…. I’ll be Marha’s gunner on this.
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Thanks for being open and honest. I’d love to hear more messages like this from church pulpits, but that’s a discussion for another day.
The way of following Jesus is not always smooth or predictable; it’s usually the opposite. But I know that whatever circumstances you find yourself in, if God is leading and you are trusting, you will continue to find ways to work for the kingdom. It may be that encouraging the “guests” at Target and lifting up your coworkers is a greater strategic need for God’s kingdom than the next book contract or radio show — at least for now. Keep trusting God in the now.
I’ve gone through a similar thing before. About 15 years ago I left a communications management position at a Christian parachurch ministry after discovering ongoing sexual harrassment and probable financial dishonesty. I had no prospects for a job. After five months I found a graphics job in a busy print shop owned by a dysfunctional family at about half what I had been making before.
A coworker and I became friends. He was divorcing and had a severely disabled baby son to care for because his wife had drunk and done drugs while pregnant. He was still trying to get custody after he remarried a year or two later and was stricken with cancer. He died within a month. The first wife got custody of the kids. Several years later the disabled child died. It was sorrow and tragedy unlike I had known. The memory still hurts. But, I was able to be his friend. He started going to church again in part because of me. He met his second wife there; she was the best thing that happened to him. He got custody of his kids for short times and I was able to help and encouraged him.
I now have a somewhat stable but not exciting government job that’s paying for my kids’ college and keeping food on the table. I still have Matthew 6:25 taped to my wall.
The main reason God puts us somewhere is because of the people. They are what make the kingdom. They are what he is interested in. The rest is pretty much trappings.
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I am just catching up being a busy week for me. My “busy” consisted of caring for my 79 year old mother ( been asking myself if I was nutz moving her into our home last Sept.) and babysitting grand-baby. Tears of comfort sprung as I read: “Now I really do understand. Life seldom—if ever—works as we want it to. If I can encourage you in one thing, it would be this: God orders our circumstances, no matter how hard or crazy or rough they may be. No matter how hard you try to prevent these circumstances from being in your life, it is God who directs the path on which we walk.”
Why do I forget this? Crying not in despair, but soft tears of gratitude for the reminder… God Bless You Jeff.
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Eagle,
I think we have to watch where we go with the prosperity gospel thing. I don’t think we are called to live in poverty if we have the means not to. But if one is focused soley on material success, on climbing the corporate ladder, on expectation of rewards because one is a good christian then yes.
In my situation I have seven children ranging at this time from 5 to 19. Over the years my modest house has grown in size due to additions I have built. Outwardly someone could say – hey, this guy is focused on money – when in reality I buy almost nothing unless its a need and try to instill this in my children. The point is that what I have is in proportion to the size of my family.
Is it prosperity if you communicate on facebook or use the new techy things and fads – not sure – I don’t use them but only because I’m an older guy. If your thinking though is “I deserve this because God is rewarding me for my good faith” then beware… As a Catholic my thinking is more like “I’m growing spiritually and becoming closer to God… uh Oh I’m now on Satan’s radar”…
Peace
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…big suburban homes – just more dusting and vacuuming that has to be done…
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And I run and work out – my Doctor says I probably would never admit to myself that I was depressed – too busy self medicating though running – he followed that up with ‘not good’…
… though at one point a few years ago my wife threatened to slip something in my food…never took her seriously… but upon reflection I have been much more mellow lately….
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Very thoughtful, Jeff. But why humiliating? I don’t get it.
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I finished my last class for my Master’s on a Thursday….and found out the following Monday my department would be outsourced in the coming year. I now work in customer service in a call center. It can be the most grueling job to sit there all day listening to complaints. People only tend to call when things are bad, right? However, I’ve also had the opportunity to help countless people over the last 5 1/2 years. Most people don’t understand insurance at all. I was recently able to get a benefit changed for a lady who was having all her claims denied but no one else had ever looked into it and realized the problem. She would have either died or gone bankrupt (or both) had we not been able to do this. I’m just thankful at my age to have a job. Even here, 50-something’s don’t get much opportunity for advancement beyond the cubicle.
I figure I’m where God wants me right now and whether I get rich doing this job or not is unimportant. Just taking it one day at a time.
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Thank you for this post and for continuing this blog, I have been reading and posting here since nearly the beginning when Michael started it, I thought it would just wither after he died but it has flourished. I pray that God will bring you to your true place and that you will savor the moments while you are getting there.
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Damaris, I have a friend who was driving along the blueberry barrens of eastern Maine one morning, way too fast for the rolling hills, and a cop pulled him over. His excuse? He was practicing a sermon and got carried away.
The cop said that he hadn’t heard that one before and let him off.
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Now I am very thirsty for a pitcher of that fresh-squeezed orange juice. Thanks, Gail. Yes, learning to float in God’s stream is very hard indeed…
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Thank you, Pattie. I do now take medication for depression. Perhaps we can visit that in another post…
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This nurse was thinking the same thing, Jeff….so forgive us for worrying, OK? Both professionally and personally I am all too intimate with the Black Beast of depression.
How can I thank you for your honesty in this post? One of my largest fears is unemployment and poverty. The last time I was job hunting was the first time I really trusted in God for work, only out of despair and exhaustion. I am the happiest I have ever been (teaching nursing) and constantly offering up my fears that this program will be de-funded…and reminding myself to trust.
Honest work is honest work, whether in a three piece suit, coveralls, scrubs, or a red (or, in our familly, bright blue!) polo shirt.
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I got stopped for speeding through a tiny Indiana town a few years ago. The policeman said, “I was following you all through town! Didn’t you see me? What were you doing, talking on the phone or something?” I confessed that my daughters and I were bellowing along with the “O Brother Where Art Thou” soundtrack, and he smiled and let us off with a warning.
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I’m really not that concerned with what God does with my experiences. My main worry is will I be able to get established in some vocation at all. Am I closer to Jesus at all? I have no idea how I would even begin to measure that. I certainly do spend a lot more time in prayer, but some days I just feel so bitter I don’t even want to. The biggest challenge is that right now prayers feel like they’re bouncing off the ceiling. I understand that I have a “personal relationship with Jesus,” but right I have no experience of it. I’ve sought Him with tears and pleading but I’ve had about equal success praying to my coffee pot, at least in terms of a close relationship.
I don’t believe in a “personal relationship with Jesus” anymore, for two reasons: First, I believe ALL men have a relationship with Jesus, but for some it is as His enemy. The Bible never uses “personal relationship” language because it’s amorphous and ambiguous. Instead, we’re given more concrete terms, such as father-children, lord-servants, and other illustrations of what that relationship looks like. The second reason is because I believe that we are called to relate to God in and through the community of believers. We are saved into a family, not into a one-on-one with the almighty. We don’t become God’s buddy, we become a part of the bride of Christ. And that’s the depressing thing: my search for Him through his family here on earth has brought me more heartache than anything else. I only even go these days because I’m paid to be there and I need it for rent. Selling out your integrity and wearing a perpetual mask in order to “lead worship” can take it’s toll and deaden the soul. So I really have no idea where things are at with Jesus and me.
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Sorry some typos, bad for Englishee teacher.
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Many of us lost our jobs when the political situation changed at the Southern tip of Africa.(it had to happen)Ended up teaching the lingo in Formosa.On the whole they do like their teachers to be young beautiful and cool(competence is often not important) , this disqualifies me for some of the great jobs and although I liked it over there this often cased great sadness, I am now in the Middle kingdom, have heard some bad stories , but met quite a lot of older dudes like me. They often teach at colleges , not great pay but ok.Will even pay for flight.Not all moonshine , but so far ok.My faith has been stretched a lot and it hasn’t been fun, sometimes I feel I have learned nothing, but have to press on by God’s grace.
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Oh wow. This whole post is excellent. The sentance that hit me the most is the one about stop trying to swim to safety. I guess in a certain situation, I’ve been trying so very hard to swim to safety because I’m afraid of drowning. Obviously, I didn’t give Jesus a chance to throw me the lifesaver ring. Now, I will be mentally chewing on this tonight, unless I manage to sleep.We love you, Jeff!! Wish we could do Butterfield’s in Scottsdale with you and the guys again! Oh, and YAY for the job at Target! I love what God has done!
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I’m sorry Jeff for all that has transpired.
When I consider all that has happened in the last 5 years I’m at a loss.
-Followed God’s will from the upper midwest to Washington, D.C.
-Lose my faith, and lose many of my evangelical freinds.
-Severed many ties with Pharises I knew.
-Survived in the DC, type A workaholic environment, when I feel most comfortable being in a small Colorado/Montana town. I still can’t believe I live here….
-Found myself in Afghanistan for a brief time, I still can’t believe I went through that ordeal.
-Dealt with my grandmothers passing
-Watched my Mom goe through cancer scans and emerge as being cancer free. (She had pancreatic cancer in 2005 and they caught it early and she beat it. My family is so lucky…..)
-Watched my sister be laid off in southern California. Going through unemployment and after 2 years she got another job. It was a nail biter I tell you.
For me if I get through the day I am happy. I feel like I have survived day to day. Its hard out their economically. It’s really difficult. I don’t enjoy my job but I’m stuck in that I haven’t been able to find another. I don’t know how many resumes I got out from 2007 until today. Maybe about 300 or so? I lost track with how many interviews I’ve had. There have been a couple of times where I’ve interviewed in the same building in the DC area multiple times. And once I interviewed in the same office but with a different company!!! I feel the stress of my job and as I was sent once to Afghanistan I don’t want to return. I’ve spoken with some people in the military who stay in because they can’t get a job. Or they get out find out how rough it is and show up back at the military recruiter because they need a paycheck. It’s tough. I’ve also known a number of people who have lost jobs. My heart has broke for them. As for myself I’ve had many times in the past when I interviewed and pushed, pushed, pushed for a new job and only got nothing. Once after a successful interview I had one person tell me that they wanted to hire me but the posiiton I applied for was being eliminated and the guy that interviewed me told me that he was losing his job also. But he liked me enough to call back to say how much he wanted to bring me on board. There were also times where I cried alone in my living room out of frustration . And with the abscence of many of my “friends” it has really become lonely. I can go through my cell phone Jeff and look at two thirds of the numbers of people who I haven’t spoken to either becuase they are not interested, pulled back from me, I drove away, etc..
Life is hard. I wish I could give you an answer.
On the spirtual front I came to the conclusion that I accepted a subtle part of the prosperity gospel. After some of the talks I’ve had out here in DC, books I read, blogs I read, participating at I Monk, I came to realize that I probably did. The weird thing is that as I lost many of my regular friends I’ve had a couple of people come alongside me and have had long, deep, passionate discussions over some of what I have written about here. Its been a neat coincidence for some of the poeple who have popped up and the discussions we have had. One of my old friends and I had a touching conversation. My friend and his wife went to Kenya for a year as missionaries. We were close and while he was in Africa my faith went south. First it was two monthes away from church, then I beat back the doubts and problems, and then it overwhelmed me. In 2009 in July I was sick most of the month. My job was keeping me late, and I was getting worn down. I felt sick, and then I stayed away from church as the doubts just blossomed. My friend in Kenya could not believe how much I changed, and how skeptical I became. As I lost most of my friends I traveled out to visit him in the midwest after he returned from Africa. I just wanted o hug him and say I’m sorry for the doubts, the disillusionment, and the fact that we can’t have the conversations that we once did. It’s been a rocky road.
I didn’t realize it but I asked him in an email if he believed in the prosperity gospel and if he was in denial about it. This was his response….
——
This is a huge struggle of mine. I hesitate to post things to Facebook or tell friends of my blessings for this exact reason. I don’t know why I was given things like a wife, kid and a great job. People who are more faithful and “better Christians” have suffered greatly or not been blessed as richly (outwardly at least). Maybe I am in denial. What is your definition of the prosperity gospel?
—-
When I saw that I cried. I didn’t realize I hit a nerve in him with the question. But I wasn’t expecting him to say what he said and I’m hoping we can have some real frank discussions over a slew of difficult issues.
Sorry for the long post. Consider this a hug from DC 🙂 Just hang on…that’s all I can say.
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This was indeed a timely reminder that I needed, having just come in from the field…last chance to plant now before the next rain tomorrow night.. Last year a third of my corn and forty percent of my beans drowned out. This year I will only get half of the land that I farm planted. My dad has not seen such a wet spell in all his life on the farm.
I look with anticipation for God’s “But then…”
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A bit late in reading this but thank you Jeff for sharing your story. It is real, relatable and much appreciated.
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Thank you for this post Jeff. Like so many others here I feel like this is a personal message for me as well. 3 times in the last week I have recieved the message of accepting where God has you on the path. I have been battling a mysterious illness for a couple years now and no one seems to have any answers. I have found myself asking for healing, pleading, begging, and generally doing everything except accepting where God has me right now. Trying to trust Him and His Ways with a few tears along the way. I really liked the Chambers quote. I will spend some time thinking about that one. I think it helps me if I can find some purpose in it all.
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I have just finished my MA in Theology and am about to begin an AS degree in nursing. The goal has been to be a bivocational minister. This January my wife became pregnant with our first child. Up until today it has been a season of joy and anticipation. But today in her 23 week we found out that something is wrong. The baby is not developed up to the point it should be and her amniotic fluid is quite low. Tomorrow she will file for disability and I am going to have to start trying to find a full time job sooner than we planned. I know that there are worse situations that people are in across the country but that doesn’t change the fact that I am scared about our finances, my wife, and my baby. I am trying to trust that God will be here with us but right now I feel alone and desperate. God, help. Hurry.
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Whenever I hear of a sea turtle I think of Finding Nemo and that Australian turtle that called everyone “dude”
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Jeff, thank you for what you shared. I have been blessed by all the above comments. I can relate to many of the stories. Post-divorce (ages ago) went from upper middle-class to just above poverty level. Details of that and other unexpected changes no longer matter -except for the lessons and blessings gleaned. Took early retirement from last full time job (case manager for severely mentally ill in community mental health) as it became more than I could cope with physically and emotionally. The plan was to supplement retirement with sales of art quilts and other crafts; after all, I had been juried into the official state artisans’ gallery and some important shows. Then the economy tanked, and no one was buying non-essentials like wall art; the car that was all paid for (part of my well-thought-out plans) was totalled on ice; the replacement car was totalled less than a year later; I had related medical bills, car payments, and huge increase in car insurance; my home (long way from paid off) lost about 30% of its market value; etc, etc, etc. But through it all- God was faithful. Even when I wasn’t. One simple phrase often came to mind to help get me back on track, from a beautiful calligraphied poster: “Use what you have.” What did I have? Friends, family, faith, accumulated knowledge and practical experience in surviving and thriving in any season, unexpected opportunities. Am now working part-time in another mental health facility where the demands/caseload/expectations are manageable and am loving that I am indeed using what I have, including lots of experience and a quirky attraction to those who are not in the mainstream. And I’m making quilts again- but not with the hope of selling them- instead I enjoy using what I have (enough fabric to fill at least one barn) and making treasures to pass on to my grandchildren. Must end with a quilt quote: If life gives you scraps, make quilts.
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Thanks so much for your story. I need all the encouragement I can get. A few years ago I had major surgery that resulted in a perpetual need for medical “supplies”. Almost a year later I go laid off from a company I had been with for over 25 years. I have been on unemployment for two years and now that has run out. And I am also without health insurance. I’m now working for a golf course raking bunkers and mowing greens for a few hours a week. A step down from what I had been used to. It’s hard not to get depressed. And in the midst of that depression, it’s difficult focusing on the “seeking his kingdom and his righteousness” thing. But your words are a precious reminder to do just that. Thanks again! I would appreciate your and everyone’s prayers as I continue to reenter the ranks of the employed. And…..speaking of prayer, I will not be silent either.
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I’m currently working on my M.Div, so as I consider the opportunities with my degree that lie ahead…
can I use you as a reference when I also apply at Target?
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Brave man, Jeff. God bless you!
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I have a house painting business that typically has a 1 &1/2 to 2 month backlog. This recent recession brought it to about 2-4 days until recently when it kicked back to normal. During the drought I discounted and cold called to keep the ship afloat. The cold calling of previous customers was particularly humiliating because people tend to shy away from tradesmen who have no work on the assumption that if they were really good they would be busy. My accountant asked if I was doing this for charity. Nonetheless, through His provision, I managed to keep my crew of 5 employed through a difficult stretch. Seek first the kingdom of God was my driving principle and it made for a much deeper spiritual life. Funny how desperation has a way of focusing us.
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You have them. Scott.
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A lovely, encouraging word! God Bless you!
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We went through an extended “wilderness’ experience back in the 1980’s and 1990’s when we were in poverty. With seven children, things were beyond tight, yet we always ate and had clothes to wear. Good things came out of the experience as our family came closer together and we grew in our walks with God. One of the understandings I gained was that God was not the cause of our troubles–the kingdom of evil is pushing against all of us to keep us from cleaving to God. Psalm 46:1 says “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble.” When it seemed like God wasn’t listening or answering, we kept pressing into Him and asking Him for knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. His faithfulness won the day.
I love what I Peter 5:8-10 says:
Be sober, be viligant; because your adversary the devil, as roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.
But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
Satan is sure to come against us, but God will turn all things to our good as we seek Him with everything we have!
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Thank you Jeff for sharing your struggles. It is something that we unfortunately don’t see in church – where men greet each other with the standard greeting – “so what do you do…?”
I am unemployed for the second time in one year (that messes up the Kansas Unemployment system, by the way). I have an MBA and lots of experience, but my resume is thrown out by myopic HR people who look for keywords. Recruiters who were talking to me yesterday suddenly will not return my calls.
No equity in the house and no more room on the credit cards.
I will likely have to move or take a contract job and be away from my family during the week.
I could certainly use your prayers.
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Jeff,
Do your job, do it well, do it joyfully, pay attention to everyone you work with or serve, listen to the Holy Spirit and your new direction will come. God Bless!
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I wonder when the desire to drive with loud music ever subsides – I was driving to Tull’s Aqualung ( was he the first post evangelical? He did rail against the Church of England and the Catholic Church…. cause you know “He’s not the kind you have to wind up on Sunday…..”), driving my kids crazy as I sang to the acoustic song “Mother Goose”….
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Hang in there brother…
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Jeff,
Thank you for being honest and transparent. The past 5 years or so have been both rewarding and difficult. Like you my wife and I are struggling financially. I also have the additional strain of a sick parent with Parkinson’s. I believe that God is getting a message to me. You are the third person who has stated this directly or indirectly to me:
No matter how hard you try to prevent these circumstances from being in your life, it is God who directs the path on which we walk. The best thing you can do is to give up control and float on God’s endless sea of grace and mercy. Stop trying to swim to safety.
Like you I also believe that God uses a variety of methods to get His message across. .
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Then let’s get together sometime, Ben.
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I do have a Cincinnati Reds polo I can wear, Mike, as my name tag covers up the Reds logo. Yes, I do have subversive tendencies…
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LOVE THIS, Jeff.
I think you and I would get along very well if we ever met.
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And…
you get to wear red!
Great piece of encouragement, Jeff.
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Miguel, I don’t want to sound trite, but … God never wastes an experience in our lives. I’ve looked back at jobs that I hated at the time and can now see how the Lord used that as a tool to shape me, the clay, on the Master Potter’s wheel. Let me ask you–are you closer in your walk with Jesus now than five years ago? That is the only “success” the Lord is looking for. And we can’t even attain that on our own. We need him totally for everything.
Share with us along your journey, for we want to walk this out with you.
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So beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I bet those folks seeking you out or that you meet and end up comforting are sure thankful you were working at Target the day they walked in their with heavy hearts. It feels good to have the beautiful feet that bring good news. I hope you feel God’s pleasure.
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“well, the journey continues in spite of the whiplash that comes with the wild ride of the narrow way…”
Love that Joseph!
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Thanks for this, Jeff. True life is sooo much more illuminating than anything one could read in almost any book.
My first Husband, the Pilot who died six years ago, once made a really good income. But when he stopped flying, because he couldn’t talk anymore (a rare form of ALS), he got a job as a disabled veteran, doing data entry for the local Air Force Base. It wasn’t enough to skew his disability payments, and it got him out of the house everyday until two months before he died. This job, at 1/10th of his income, was a real blessing to him. I thanked God for it, everyday.
Now I am remarried, and my Husband, David, was “retired” in January of 2010 from Visa ( the credit card company) after being the Senior Project manager of a $480 million project he brought in early and under budget. Seems like investors aren’t appreciative of that sort of thing anymore; when that job was completed, there just weren’t any others available for him. Anyway, God moves in interesting ways…when disaster struck in Haiti that same month, David, being trained in that sort of thing and well-versed in short-term missions trips (Mexico, Thailand and so on) went down there to see what he could do. To make a long story short, he spent the next year volunteering his services to a faith-based NGO doing project management: building orphanages, permanent homes, clinics, schools, churches, and, now, a university with a seminary. This year, we are raising our own support (!!!) and, right now, we are living month-by-month on the promises of God to provide for us. We’ve plowed through pert ne’er everything, including our combined Children’s/Grandchildren’s inheritance. Yep… We’re fifty-somethings. This is the new Boomer “Second-Career Missionary Thing-y” we are pioneering, apparently. Who knew??? It’s funny; at the last Missions Conference we attended, we were at least twice the age of the rest of the attendees. Most of the young’uns thought we were on the Sponsoring Church Staff… LOL!!!
In any case, it’s been an interesting three years. We are living on less than half of what our income was before. (At least we’re not having kids. ;p). But what I learnt in my first marriage experience has certainly prepared me for this life now.
God is good. His love endures forever.
May God continue to bless the work of your hands.
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I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this, right now. I’m facing walking away from my 2nd ministry position in five years at another church that has tanked. Both times due to infighting, poor leadership, and no remote semblance of conflict resolution. After over 1 year of searching I still cannot land another position, so I’m moving to a cheaper state and enrolling to earn my teaching credential so that after a year I can have a shot at employment somewhere. I understand what you are saying here, and you are correct. However, that does not make it any easier to not become bitter. I understand that God has a right to refine me how he chooses, but that doesn’t bring comfort or joy when I have nothing to show for the first 5 years of my working life and am unable to support myself much less a family, while my wife is dying to start having kids. I understand that seeking the kingdom is priority number 1, but at some point that still has to involve some degree of vocational success. Five years of nothing is a hard pill to swallow, and though I know God is calling me to love my enemies and walk in forgiveness, I just don’t have it within me to walk this road with happiness. Bitterness, depression, and anger are a daily struggle. I most identify right now with the verses from the psalms that talk about God crushing our bones. It’s hard to have hope and find meaning through this, but internetmonk is always encouraging and Michael Spencer’s writing is one of the few reasons I can still hold onto my faith.
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I’ll be honest with you, Jeff. I had stopped visiting the IM site because it was moving away from real life/ real faith discussions. This is a step back in the right direction. I hope it continues.
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Beautiful. I was unemployed, now severely underemployed. One of my children graduated from college a few months ago, and finally has a position lined up…on the other side of the country. The economy in this part of the country is so bad that worry is a constant companion. It’s tough and I’ve been around long enough to know that some tough times never do improve, sometimes the cancer wins, the joblessness sends people into homelessness, and the kid marries a louse. Thanks for the encouraging words.
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Thanks for being willing to write this. I always feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have it together.
When my husband and I got married 6 years ago, I was 3 years out of college, and he had 1 left to go. Since then, he’s changed majors twice, been given the run-around by his college, had an extremely hard time finding part-time and seasonal jobs, and made some decisions (that seemed wise at the time) that we wish we could un-do. He now has an English degree and an EMT license, and he’s delivering medical equipment part-time. I’m still working full-time, and we’re still waiting to adopt because we don’t have the money yet.
I look around and feel like Everyone has their life “together” and “on track” but me – my friends with their growing families, my sister and sister-in-law who are expecting babies, my co-workers with their stay-at-home wives and big suburban homes. This isn’t where I thought I’d be at 31, and it’s lonely to feel like you’re the only one who has to wait. Thanks.
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Jeff… Thank you.
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My wife has a tattoo of a sea turtle. She got it as a reminder that she is God’s sea turtle just riding the current he has for her. It’s really hard to do. Our life is not as we imagined, and it’s extra hard not to try to take the reins back since we have three young kids and I want to “fix” it all, but God is faithful.
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Thank you, Lee.
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Ah Joanie…you are solid as the Rock you are founded on. You have such a great attitude through all you go through…
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Br. Thomas, you are right about being shaped into the likeness of Jesus through this. And that is what I want. And I love–but maybe not like–the quote by Keating.
Thanks!
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i am unemployed…again…
3rd time’s a charm???
moved just recently 160 miles north of my previous locale. left behind my last place of employment of 12 years, along with a failed marriage of 26 years…
phew…
and to hope God is finished with the BIG issues of life changes for me… 😀
well, the journey continues in spite of the whiplash that comes with the wild ride of the narrow way…
can’t offer any advice other than tighten up the ol’ seatbelt & hang on for dear life!!!
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Donalbain, I didn’t say I was unable to leave the house—it was when I thought about applying for some job that I felt the Lord tell me not to do so. I came and went from my house just fine.
Now, having said that, I have admitted in previous posts to dealing with depression, and have sought medical counsel on that. Thanks for your concern.
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No. There is not.
My car won’t drive without the music loud!
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Hmm…I point my car forward and turn the music up very loud. Is there another way to drive?
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I’m not sure you and I drive the exact same way . . .
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Thank you.
I SO needed to hear this.
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Thank you for sharing, but can I please ask a favour from you? Go and see your family doctor. What you described in your inability or lack of desire to leave the house sounds incredibly close to clinical depression. Now, I do not wish to belittle your faith, but equally, I would not want you to dismiss a possibility that there may have been something medically wrong.
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Thank you for letting us know what has been going on in your life, Jeff. It is posts like this that make others feel it is OK to be open about their lives as well.
Target is a better place for having you as an employee! (And I like that store. I wish there was one closer to where I live.) I would probably be a happier person if my job involved having more contact with the public. I know that’s an odd thing to say, as you hear stories of the difficulties of working in retail, but I can get very withdrawn when I hardly see anyone during quiet times in my business of working with kids who break the law. But, hey, it is GOOD that there are quiet times in this business as that means not a lot of kids are breaking the law!
And that’s quite a quotation from Oswald Chambers, “If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.”
We are down to the last $100 in our savings, but thankfully a marina just sold our boat where we had taken it, hoping they would have a better chance of selling it, so next week we will have $6000. Yay! Tom wants another boat, though, and other things as well, so let’s hope some of it gets used on big bills and for emergencies. He hasn’t worked anywhere near fulltime since 2007 and actually had his first job interview since 2007 a couple weeks ago. He was VERY qualified to get it, but they hired someone who had family in the area. He was kind of down about it, but he also does not really want to work fulltime, as it will cut into his fishing and hunting time. Thankfully, social security begins for him next month. We have limped along this long without going through bankrupcy and are hoping we can continue to do so as long as our 11 and 12 year old vehicles with high mileage keep going!
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This mainly applies to one of your competitors (they wear blue and khakis) but my friends and I have made it a game to get in and out of the store without being spoken to by a sales associate. If you get talked to, you lose the game, and have to leave the store. We have elaborate rules and everything…
More seriously, thanks for this. I’m now six months out of college, 26 years old, went back to school after making decent money working for Costco, got a highly in demand and marketable degree…but everyone wants 5 years experience. And while I am working, it’s part time, and not where I want to remain, nor does it alone pay the bills.
Thanks for the encouragement…
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Thanks so much, Damaris. You have really encouraged me!
By the way, the drive here from there is only about 8.5 hours, just a good stretch of the legs…
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Thanks for your words and sharing authentically about your life, Jeff. I can relate to much of what you have written about. I try not to worry about things like retirement (I really don’t have much since I currently work at a church part-time and receive no benefits). At times I wrestle with the notion that I’m being irresponsible and I just should find a “real” job with greater income and benefits (if that’s even possible these days). But, thanks to my supportive wife, I continue to trust that I’m doing the work He has called me to.
I suspect that the “humiliations” you experience in your new vocation can do a great deal more in shaping you into the likeness of Jesus than attending a conference, reading a book on spirituality or taking a course at a seminary. A quote I’ve been living with for the past year or so seems to echo this: “The way to humility is through humiliation.” – Fr. Thomas Keating
I pray you will continue to experience the fullness of Christ in the present moment of your journey and that, in turn, you will be His presence wherever He has placed you.
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Thanks, Jeff, for sharing this. Several years back, I left a career paying 50K + per year to do ministry as a full-time vocation, and with my wife’s encouragement, cashed out my retirement to pay off debt to make the transition doable with our two small salaries.
I was divorced just a few months later (I won’t go into details, other than to say that the situation was evaluated by my authorities in ministry, and they concluded that I had made extraordinary efforts to make the marriage work, and had solid Biblical grounds for divorce). I was shattered. To make matters worse, a pastor/friend gave me some horrible financial advice, which I took.
Three years and some personally foolish decisions later, I had lost everything, including my home. I applied for 60+ jobs, and the only interview I could get was making $12/hour at a nursing home one hour’s drive away. I got the job. I sure didn’t want it, but I got it. A couple of years later, I was able to find a job closer to home, at half of the salary I had made when I left my previous career. I had a master’s degree and 14 years experience in my field, and no one would hire me. I actually applied at Target, too. They said I was overqualified.
I’m remarried, and we are still struggling financially because of my past circumstances and choices. I have a new baby, too, which is an incredible blessing…now, if I could just get that insurance deductible paid off…
There are many of us out in the fields surrounding the imonastery, wondering what the future holds, and if hard times will ever end. I think it’s important that we should share encouraging scriptures, but that isn’t the end of what we all should do. We should learn to be transparent, just like Jeff is doing here. We struggle, and the world is struggling along with us. I’ll be praying for you, Jeff.
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Thank you for your honest words–about your struggle and acceptance of your huge life change. I constantly ask myself, “Do I mean it when I pray your will, not mine?” Because as much as I do not want to believe it, I’m very much entangled with me and what I want and what is best for me, and, and, and.
As an aside, I worked as a publicist for a couple of major Christian publishing houses before going freelance for several years. I left freelance work two years ago feeling burned out and seeing the writing on the wall for the industry but sadly, I did so by taking my life into my own hands. It was not those choices that brought me to my knees in honest and sincere seeking of God, but a personal family crises. But I can see now how living my life for me (by what *I* wanted) also meant I didn’t believe Jesus’ words were true. Give us more Jesus, less us. I pray.
Peace.
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Jeff, there are several writers I enjoy who like to write many-book sagas. I know well the feeling of getting to the end of the most recently written book and being stirred up by suspense. It seems unendurable to wait for a year or two until the next book is out, but I know it’s worth it, because I know the author is good and won’t disappoint me. The story you tell here is the same — I can’t wait until the Author comes out with the next installment, because I know I won’t be disappointed — surprised, certainly, but that just convinces me that the story is greater than I am.
Work is good, even at Target. I’ve waited tables, cleaned bathrooms, and delivered mail from the passenger seat of my car; my husband’s handed census forms to surly backwoodsmen and been a bicycle courier. I bet you’re a darn good Target employee, and I’d shop at your store if it wasn’t a two-day drive. Blessings.
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I am rapidly approaching 50 (still have another couple of years). For the past five I have hung onto my career – more because i still have a number of young ones to feed. But the mass move to offshore resources has dug deep and I am becoming an island in the vast world economy with the waters of cheaper labor ebbing closer and closer. Its only a matter of time. On top of that they don’t trust those over 50 around here…
So… I quit worrying about it and at the moment I am trying to stay as debt free as I can so that I can adjust to the massive income drop that is about to come. Two kids in college – more on the way – we’ve had to change their mindset from ‘we’re here to give you a good start ‘ to ‘We’re here to help with the decisions you will have to make’.
Honestly, I am making of it what I can today, spending time with my family and enjoying all the little things because I know its going to get rough. So I understand where you are but I don’t REALLY understand until I begin to wonder where the next meal is coming from. But isn’t that the way – unpredictability – whether job or health or trajedy?
I like your advice and will take heed when the ebbing waters finally engulf me….
I think I’m going to be a Walmart greeter, or a window cleaner, or a ice cream scooper or a…….
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Wow. I’m so glad, RG.
Your fellow floater…
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What a great opportunity to be spend time with those God loves! God does provide, does he not? Someday you will look back on this as a very specialy time in your life.
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Broken and spilled out
Just for love of you Jesus
My most precious treasure
Lavished on Thee
Broken and spilled out
And poured at Your feet
In sweet abandon
Let me be spilled out
And used up for Thee
–Steve Green
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Tears blur my keyboard. Jeff……I needed this today. Those are not just words. My heart awakened heavy and burdened. I’ve gotten mad at God. I tried to read. I tried to pray. The silence was deafening. Somehow this place, where I am, is all my fault. The sins, my sins…….oh Lord have mercy! The only thing that came to me was as I watered my lawn this morning……..a butterfly flew passed me and these words came to my heart, “You are a new creation!”
I must be honest……I don’t know what all that means as I’m jobless since March 2007 and on and on I could go! God has shown up in plenty of areas, there isn’t enough space to share that here. But your story……your encouragement…….your last paragraph……was for me today. Even if thousands of others respond and say the same thing……Rebekah Grace needed to know God is in my circumstances and I should allow myself to be there and float on His endless sea of mercy and grace.
You really, truly have no idea Jeff. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart!!!!!
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