A Shocking Confession

Posted byChaplainmikePosted inLaugh or else, Uncategorized

I’m sorry to have to share this kind of personal information at my blog, but I just can’t help myself.

Something terrible has happened.

Denise, I’m sorry you have to read this, but I have to tell the truth. I can’t keep it in.

Everything that’s happened is the fault of a woman; an evil, possessive woman toying with my very soul.

Yes, I’m married, but I’m only human. For years now, I’ve had a relationship, a strange, obsessive relationship, with a woman who could do for me what no other woman could do.

I’ve seen her several times a week, sometimes near where I live, sometimes when I travel. Our meetings have been brief, but regular. My devotion has been intense. This relationship is a passion, even if a guilty one. I thought it was under control, but now I’ve seen that there was so much more to it than I ever was willing to admit.

Now…now she’s done something that has changed everything. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought she would hurt me so much and make me have to go in front of the whole world and confess my love for her.

But that’s what it’s all come to. So….I’m telling all, and I don’t care what happens. If this is the end of the life and reputation I’ve earned, then so be it. I have to choose, and this woman is worth it.

debLittle Debbie has raised the price of her Oatmeal Cream Pies from 35 cents to 50 cents. I know. Shocking. I’m still stunned. They’re now way cheaper in the box of a dozen.

Oh, I know what she’s thinking. She’s thinking I’ll go away; that my devotion and love for her can’t weather this storm. She thinks I’ll choose books or clothes over her Oatmeal Cream Pie.

But she’s wrong. I’m not giving you or your little Oatmeal Cream Pies up, Debbie. Not this easily. It will take more than a fifteen cent price increase to get rid of me. I’ll sacrifice. I’ll get a second job. But I won’t stop our lifelong affair.

You’re part of me, Little Debbie. You’re probably several pounds of me, to be truthful. I can’t imagine life without you. Looking for you, every day after school. Calling out to me from your shelf. You know I’m powerless…and this is what you to do the man who loves you?

So you’ve made it a little more difficult in these bad economic times, but I’m still here. Still wanting you. Still determined to have you for my very own. I’m going to eat those Oatmeal Cream Pies no matter what anyone says. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Go ahead. Think 75 cents or a dollar. Life is more than money. I won’t go away.

[Note: It gives me real pleasure to know that the people who monitor my writing to see if I say anything really shocking or offensive so they can forward it along have just had a minor stroke. Hope you had your medication handy. Keep reading.]

62 thoughts on “A Shocking Confession”

  1. Would it make you feel any better if you knew Little Debbie was actually a 6 ft 5 man with a bass voice and a beard? AUGH!!!!!

    Flee from youthful temptations!

    Be HEALED!!!! 🙂

    Like

  2. We cannot tolerate this. 50 cents for little Debby. Maybe we can put them on the boycott list.

    “Hey kids. This year we cannot eat Little Debbies or go to Disney World. We’re cheap Christians.”

    Like

  3. This is gold! I’m sure those walking outside my house would be thinking there was a lunatic in here with how i have been laughing these last 5 minutes straight.

    Like

  4. Sorry. I was being punny to the point of absurdity. (“RC” is also an abreviation for something completely different.)

    Like

  5. I thought for sure you were bringing a sweet female stray dog home for your wife to take care of (ha).

    Like

  6. I made an amazing (if I may say so) Buche de Noel for Christmas at my in-laws’ house this year: from scratch, with real whipped cream filling, fancy chocolate glaze, and painstakingly rolled, unrolled and filled, and re-rolled. Let me add that my husband’s family are all from Tennessee, which is the only thing that can explain the exclamation from my dear mother- and sister-in-law that “It’s just like a big old Little Debbie cake!” They meant it as a compliment, so I took it that way. 🙂

    No matter how much Flanney O’Connor and Faulkner I read, I will never understand southerners. But I have come to love my MIL’s cheese grits.

    Like

  7. “Well, this post was for the benefit of those who watch my online behavior, so I hope they had a good time.”
    Michael, your offline behavior is a whole ‘nuther thing. We had a good time there too.

    Like

  8. I survived my freshman year in college thanks to Little Debbie – a Fudge Round and a cup of coffee were all I could afford for lunch every day!

    Like

  11. Michael, I hear Haggard’s accountability team isn’t busy, if you need some help.

    Also — here’s question from an ignorant Yankee:

    Notice to Lutherans – diet RC is known as Diet-Rite Cola. I don’t recommend it though. RC and Little Debbie cupcakes….if I ever had a food addiction, those would top the list.

    I thought the RC was Royal Crown (er…the cola, not the whisky).

    Like

  12. Little Debbie – that tart! She may have had flings with you guys but with us, it was real thing. Or so she said… cue Tainted Love by Soft Cell

    On a serious note… a friend of mine worked for McKee Foods and said that the Oatmeal Cream Pie was their most profitable product. Why? Because it was made up of all the leftovers from the other snacks. Does that make you love her more? Or less?

    Like

  15. Notice to Lutherans – diet RC is known as Diet-Rite Cola. I don’t recommend it though. RC and Little Debbie cupcakes….if I ever had a food addiction, those would top the list.

    Like

  16. You know Martha, after checking out the Little Debbie and Tastykake websites, I think we have a lot to be grateful for over our side of the pond. Just looking at those packages makes me feel like I’ve gained 100lbs!!

    Like

  18. I could go for a bottle of RC right now. I don’t see it in store very often.

    …is it ok for Lutherans to drink RC cola? 😉

    Like

  20. The local Little Debbie delivery man used to wind up his route at the town auction every Thursday night and auction off whatever was left on his truck. You should have seen the folks go nuts for the Oatmeal Cream Pies! Me – I fancy her little cupcakes. Don’t tell my wife I said that though!

    Like

  21. Blessed Imonk,

    Here in the temperate deciduous forests of rural East Mississippi, Little Debbie is like a beloved member of our familes. Not so very long ago, you could still get an oatmeal pie or a package of peanut butter crackers for 25 cents. The country store sages used to have discussions that began, “I don’t see how they can manufacture and deliver something so good, and still sell it for a quarter.”

    I’m with you. I’ll rob a liquor store, or sell copies of Grit, but I’ll get the money somewhere.

    Like

  22. When I was a monk, our community got addicted to watching Star Trek TNG. Friends would record it and send us videos. Granted, it wasn’t as sweet as a Little Debbie, but it lasted longer. Furthermore, it wasn’t as fattening. There. I got that off my chest. See what a well placed justification can do?

    Like

  23. In the spirit of “Dolphin-free” tuna fish, you might find this comforting as you wolf down a box of 12 OCP’s:

    Years ago, I took a course at the American Institute of Baking with a McKee Foods (company that makes LD’s) employee. Because the McKees are devout Adventists, he was required to leave early on Friday in order to be back at home with his family by sundown.

    Now if that doesn’t give you an excuse to load up the pantry, I don’t know what will. It’s the proverbial, Steve Brown-esque, Christian Cookie!

    Oh, and another thing: I recommend the Jumbo Oatmeal Pies since there’s less guilt in eating only one vs.the mandatory two of the originals.

    Like

  24. I personally like the Chocolate Swiss Cake Rolls that they came out with a few years back. Chocolate filled and drizzled with chocolate syrup inside. WOW! Plus I have always been a sucker for fudge rounds too. I used to eat those for breakfast in the car on the way to work.
    For some reason, LD’s are harder to find in c-stores here in ND. Now I have discovered Mrs. Freshley’s Red Velvet Twinkies. How does that sound for suggestive.

    Like

  25. I have a pastor friend who once confided in me that he had such a long lasting affair with Little Debbie that he carried her picture in his wallet.

    Like

  26. My relationship with Debbie hasn’t been the same since she stopped making the Apple Delights. But then … I’ve changed too. I remember the good old days when I weighed 154 and could burn through a box of 12 Apple Delights and a glass of milk in one sitting. Now I’m 238 and I can only get through two Cosmic Brownies or one Pecan Spinwheel at a time.

    It’s not you, Debbie. It’s me …

    PS: anyone who wants to open a Tastykakes or Dunkin’ Donuts franchise in Northern California, bring it on!

    Like

  27. This is hilarious, because growing up, my dad used to say to me and my sister, “Girls, if anything ever happens to your mom, I want to marry Little Debbie.”

    The first time he said it, and we were really little, we were both horrified.

    Now it cracks me up. 🙂

    Like

  28. Let the Calvinistic blogs recount their workout plans and lists of resolutions. Here at Internet Monk, we’re busy lusting after snack cakes.

    Like

  30. dumb ox
    “Moon Pies?”

    Only if you can warsh is down with an RC. Or a Dr Pepper. But only from a bottle.

    The way to deal with LD swiss rolls is to keep them in the back of the crisper in the fridge. That way the kids don’t see them (or your wife very often) and when you eat them there’s less evidence on fingers and lips. Plus they taste better cold.

    Like

  31. There are many benefits to a relationship with Little Debbie. Here’s one,TBHQ is an anti-oxidant. It keeps fats from going rancid, so you see it in a lot of foods that they want to have a long shelf life (like oatmeal creme pies).
    I have heard it said these things do not have a shelf-life, they have a half-life.
    It is time now Imonk, to get a new, more mature mistress. May I introduce you to Sarah Lee? She is more mature, and although some say she is frigid, they just didn’t give her time to warm up.

    [Wezlo is right on the TastyCakes, drop a line and you will get a care package.]

    Like

  33. Justin, you made me miss my grandmother. She always had rice crispy treats for me, and even made special versions with sprinkles and stuff for birthdays. She passed away and remembering this made me smile.

    Onward, Forward, Toward, you are right about those Christmas trees. I was pregnant this past Christmas (still am) and those were a huge thorn in my otherwise healthy diet. They trump all!

    Like

  34. I’m sorry, iMonk, but Little Debbie’s are just wannabe Tastykakes.

    So true, wezlo, so true! Little Debbie products are but ashes and concrete compared to Tastykakes’ yumminess.

    Like

  36. BTW, I want hear from those rich guys who can afford the individually-wrapped Hostess treats. Come out into the open, you Eliot-Spitzers-of-the-sweets types!

    Like

  37. The affair angle sounds funny, but there are times I’ve made sure that Little Debbie wrapper got thrown out (and buried under some other trash) lest my dear wife see the evidence. 🙂

    Like

  39. Those Little Debbie swiss cake rolls and fudge brownies really do me in. Every once in a while, I give into the Oatmeal creme pies.

    What is worse is at Christmas time, those famous Christmas tree cakes with the cool-whip like icing between the two thin cake layers.

    Like

  40. …the brownies with a light dusting of nuts embeded in thick fudge frosting…

    My mother-in-law (may she R.I.P.), the dear woman, would keep for me a stash of LD’s Fudge Brownies in her fridge for when I’d come to the house. I never raided that fridge and didn’t find a brownie. But, ever so often, she slip up and buy Oatmeal Pies–I’d have to be careful not to get caught eating one, cuz dey wuz herz.

    I miss her (my MIL, not LD).

    Like

  41. Had me going there.

    I’m not much for Little Debbie things. My dessert vice of choice is Reese’s peanut butter cups; I’m sure these are just as bad for you as anything Little Debbie can bring.

    Like

  43. [Note: It gives me real pleasure to know that the people who monitor my writing to see if I say anything really shocking or offensive so they can forward it along have just had a minor stroke. Hope you had your medication handy. Keep reading.]

    Now THAT’s the type of fake-scandal announcement my burned-out pastor writing partner likes to pull! Keep giving the Church Ladies and Kyle’s Moms a stroke; it keeps them on their toes!

    I’d be joining you with the Oatmeal Cream Pies (or my equivalent, Hostess Cupcakes or Hershey’s Dark), but my doctor is really on my case to lose weight.

    You live in the south. You have multitudes of laws the prohibit the trade in sinful items, and certain practices associated with them, right? Be careful what you post online, or you might get your door kicked in after the old lady across the street reports you. — Chris

    NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!

    Like

  46. What, people?! No shout outs to Fudge Rounds?! Or the brownies with a light dusting of nuts embeded in thick fudge frosting? Is there no love for chocolate in this place?!

    Like

  48. That little floozy! She tempts my husband with her Oatmeal Cream Pies every time we’re in the grocery store. I can’t be too mad though.. he knows that her Swiss Cake Rolls have magical powers over me. A little sugary seductress, she is.

    Also, it’s probably good that she doesn’t make anything dealing with eggnog. You might really be a man in shambles!

    Like

  49. Oatmeal Cream Pies? Maybe. Zebra cakes — I’ll lose everything before I give them up! Thank you Debbie!!!

    Like

  50. Well IMonk, in this terrible economy even Debbie needs to raise the price of her…er…products. What else would you expect the poor gal to do?

    Like

  53. You live in the south. You have multitudes of laws the prohibit the trade in sinful items, and certain practices associated with them, right? Be careful what you post online, or you might get your door kicked in after the old lady across the street reports you.

    I’m just glad that I don’t have to look over my shoulder when I’m acquiring said treats at 3 AM, eating behind the wheel and driving across state lines with them.

    Like

  55. Haa! I don’t write “LOL” but I seriously laughed out loud. I knew something was coming, and I thought, oooooo, some people are getting nervous. And then I thought – Good Lord, if he says “Mary – my Blessed Mother” I’m ‘gonna choke. haa! Personally, my affair from childhood has been with a little Italian chef named Grippo – yes, he is a man. 🙂

    Like

  56. LOL

    Justin, because I have the vice of country music, I believe that your quote is also part of a country song.

    Like

  57. :O

    What’s the name of that place you had me go repent at a while back?

    If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

    A paraphrase of one of the best lines in all of [R-rated] movie-dom.

    Pass me one of ’em…

    Like

  58. By the description, the closest comparable product I can think of over here is Fox’s Crunch Creams, which are all right but not that amazing.

    Talk about Jaffa cakes, though, and I fall sobbing on your neck in recognition of our helplessness 😉

    Like

Leave a comment