A Few Book Ideas I’m Working On

Posted byChaplainmikePosted inLaugh or else

I’m sure everyone knows I’m working on book proposals and hoping for good news soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share with you some of the book ideas I’ve got in my notebook. I have to make some decisions soon because I can’t write them all.

Let’s see what the reading public has to say.

The Snack: The Snack is the story of a man who receives a message from God in a Little Debbie oatmeal cake and is told by God to meet him at the Montgomery Biscuits’ stadium for a weekend series. There God appears to him as an umpire, a vendor and a little kid who keeps kicking his seat.

This Is Your Best Wife? Wow: This book helps husbands do all the little things that will change their wives from dowdy church matrons to hot pastorettes. Special section on how to behave on an airplane.

The Institutions of the Christian Religion: This two-volume work on various institutions may be published in time for my 53rd birthday, and my fans all over the world could study it for a year.

2009 Reasons Jesus Probably Won’t Return in 2009: Self explanatory. We’ve got a lot of important things going on.

Christless Christianity: A hot new church growth idea!

Angels and Deacons: A story of the struggle that goes on between good pastors and bad church leaders, featuring a full examination of the strange, cryptic, symbolic things deacons say in their meetings, like “Someone needs to go by the nursing home” and “Who keeps taking my pencils?”

I’m Sick Of All This Purpose Driven Crap: If you don’t get this, I can’t help you.

Twilight: The Christian Version: Christian vampires in Arkansas have been living peacefully in their out-of-the-way compound until one of them starts a CCM group and falls for a groupie. Lots of scenes of the young lady admiring her vampire boyfriend’s ESV Study Bible and protecting her from liberal Methodists.

Exposing The Scandal of Christian Stay-At-Home Dads: In the midst of a complementarian revival, some men refuse to take off the apron and put down the diapers. This book will examine the damage being done to Christian children whose mothers are doctors and whose dads stay home to cook and care for them.

Mark Driscoll’s Really Awful Sermons on The Song of Solomon Illustrated: Available under the counter. ID required.

N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil: I’d serve as editor for this serious and dispassionate examination of N.T. Wright by various well-known reformed bloggers.

Jesus Wants You Rich! And Driving A Porsche! With Two Hot Blonds Inside!: A basic guide to American approaches to discipleship.

My Journey to Cleveland, Tennessee: With all the “My Journey To Rome” type books, I thought I could convert to a well known Pentecostal denomination, and describe the various steps in the process. “I found myself strangely drawn to the idea of pushing people until they fell on the carpet.”

How to Waste Time Watching TV and Movies and Call It “Sermon Research.”: Again, self-explanatory.

I Really Love Cold Buttermilk: I don’t think anyone has done this one yet.

Love Is An Irritation: A Christian young man has three friends reveal that they’re gay, so he begins a ministry to be as irritating to as many gays as possible in revenge. Soon is speaking in churches all over the midwest.

Any ideas?

99 thoughts on “A Few Book Ideas I’m Working On”

  1. Pingback: Coming to a Christian Bookstore Near You « City of God

  2. Cappuccinos for Christ: How Opening a Coffee Bar in the Church Lobby Enhances the Gospel (free Starbucks apron included)

    Like

  3. “At first, I resisted the idea of falling down on the carpet. All my life, I’d been told by my Baptist friends that falling down on the carpet was of the devil. But one day, Brother Blowdry challenged me: Would you want to miss out on what God has for you in being pushed onto the carpet? So I decided that I would pray about it every day for a week, and ask God to show me the truth about carpet-pushing. The next Wednesday night, I went to the Deliverance from the Devil Tabernacle Inc., (Cleveland, Tennessee) and as I walked through the door, asked God to show me the truth about carpets. All at once, three people came over and started pushing. As I fell, I felt a sense of knowing that I’d never experienced before. I’d realized that all those years that I kept trying to stay upright in church I was really just being stubborn and thinking I knew better than everyone else. My prayer life has been so deepened. I really get excited now, every time I see a carpet.”

    Like

  4. “The Furious Longing of a Monk”

    a pity party of a book about a scholar who believes in his diversity and opennes to all faith except of course those “knights of the reformed orthodoxy”…these people are really really really evil….tulip believer? tsk tsk tsk…

    Like

  5. “Red like Rock n’Roll”

    the rants and raves of a former youth pastor talking about the collapse of a movement (which he is still a part of) and continuously criticiziong intellectuals (those whose belief statement can be summarized in a flower) in the movement while talking about love in his blog…. isn’t it ironic?

    Like

  6. Here are a few:

    Blue Like Stupid Blue Things

    A New Kind of Dumb

    Adventures in Missing the Point of Missing the Point

    This is a Christian Book Not Worth Reading

    This is a Christian Book

    Misquoting Jesus Is the Title of This Book Because I’m Trying to Make a Buck

    The God Delusion: I am an Idiot

    God is not Great, No, He is Beyond Comprehension and Blows My F—ing Mind

    Like

  7. “Tweak on Sanctification”: a clear explanation on why a Holy Spirit empowered daily battle against the flesh, devil, and the world system is considered “weak on sanctification” and the revivalist notion of instantaneous sanctification based upon subjective, esoteric experiences is considered strong.

    Like

  12. I just thought of one last night…

    “The Left-in-the-Behind Series” on good hermeneutics, subtitled, “How to stop pulling proof-texts out of your a$$”

    Like

  13. Well, wouldn’t it be fun to write “The Book of Love”?

    Then whenever anyone’s singing that song, you could stop them and say, “I did!”

    … or maybe I’m the only one who’s ever dreamed of that.

    Anyway …

    “The Book of Life”: and the fun will be in NOT listing certain people.

    “The Blueberry Muffin Gospel”: no one knows the word “ragamuffin,” anyway.

    “The Lyin’ Witch in the Wardrobe”: … if you dare parody C. S. Lewis. (Note how I post this with a pseudonym!)

    “The Screwed-Up Letters”: blaming all typos on Satan … again, if you dare challenge Lewis.

    Like

  14. How about this?

    Christian Paganism: An extensive historical study of how those Christian rites and rituals that were originally derived from ancient pagan culture have come to influence the practices of today’s neopagans.

    And, by the way, imonk, I’ve heard that you’re doing a seminar at Cornerstone this year. If this is true, I’ll have to check it out. And, if you want, you can drop by the RV village for Tommy and Rebecca’s yearly deep fried turkey love feast.

    Like

  15. [Mod edit] And Betty Bower from Landover Baptist Church has a link to “Rex Ray the Ex-Gay” (from a ministry called “Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals”). I like the “2009” idea…but do people still remember the original from 1988? (Other than Bart Ehrman, who gives it the shout-out.)

    I think a book about the Second Coming could work, if you show non-Christians and liberal Christians working together to resist the angelic invasion. Kind of like “V” (that old miniseries about reptillian aliens, now being remade). Or a Jack Chick comic, but from the point of view of the other side.

    Unfortunately, it’s hard to satirize stuff that’s already so out-there. See the book “Are You Rapture Ready?” which surveys various forms of evangelical kitch.

    Like

  16. “Casting the First Stone.” — How to purge yourself of sin so that you can cast the first stone without guilt.

    People would buy this.

    Like

  17. Sanctification For Dummies (how to use ventriloquism as a discipling tool)….

    Speaking in Tongs (the believer’s quest for the Holy Grill)

    Like

  18. What about some family friendly fare? I don’t think my kids will get to read some of those books. Now that Veggietales is branching out into literary classics, maybe you can contract to write some new episodes, such as:

    Veggietales: War and Peas

    Junior Asparagusavitch learns to trust God during the great war between the “red” vegetables and the “white” vegetables, where everyone is in danger from weapons of mass digestion.

    Veggietales: Midnight Snack

    Laura Carrot learns the true meaning of loving our neighbors when her new next-door neighbor turns out to be a veggie-vampire.

    Silly Songs with Larry–Revival Get-down!

    Larry takes on CCM with his hilarious renditions of “My Llama is an Awesome Llama” and “Breakfast (I’m a cucumber, not toast)”, while Boyz’n’the’Sink perform Kirk Franklin’s “Chomp.”

    Like

  22. “Wild at Hearth: The Godly Adventure of Being a Stay-At-Home Dad”

    (I realize this conflicts with your existing title on stay-at-home dads but your publisher will appreciate your widened appeal)

    If you need a sequel to your first book, you could write a follow-up for clergy:

    “The Pastoral Challenge of Stay-at-Home Dads: Is Discipline Enough?”

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  23. “So you don’t want to go to Starbuck’s anymore” – written for those in the post-emergent movement.

    Like

  24. “The Blue Paraclete” – John Piper’s critical review of Scot McKnight’s “The Blue Parakeet”.

    Like

  25. “The Coming Evangelical Eclipse: The Celestial Bodies and Their Meaning for the Future of Evangelicalism in America”

    Like

  26. Am I the AntiChrist? A brief survey for attractive, brilliant men of middle-eastern and Mediterranean origins who find themselves compelled to establish a one world government. Also for popes!

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  27. OK, Martha,
    I’ll take the Porsche.

    How about a book about that age old question everyone keeps asking:

    Is the Pope Catholic?

    Like

  28. New movie idea:

    “Waterproof”…Caleb and his young bride dive in to evangelical Christianity without getting that pesky living water all over them.

    Like

  29. Martha,

    You keep the blonds, and I will take one left behind ebony haired one, and one red head.

    😉

    Like

  30. Sue, I think Michael has done something for us ladies with the two hot blonds (not blondes) and a Porsche.

    In fact, keep the Porsche, just give me the hot blonds 😉

    Like

  31. Toward a New Theology of Whatever: If I Don’t Publish SOMETHING I’ll Never Get Tenure

    Like

  32. “The 5 Loathe Languages: The Different Ways Men and Women Hate Each Other” by Gary Chapman

    Like

  33. How to Win, Be Thin, and Feel Good When You Sin

    Lonely as a Good Man on the Lifetime Movie Network

    I Kissed Baiting Good-bye (how a man gave up fishing for fist and started fishing for men)

    Saddleback Mountain

    American Idolatry – Yes, You CAN be a Goddess on Your Wedding Day

    Like

  34. Bypass the book altogether .
    Go straight to a slick quarterly magazine. Subscription rates would be a bargain at 47.oo/year.
    Imagine all the Imonk books and junk you could feed to your subscribers !
    Book discounts to subscribers.
    Sign up for book “futures” !

    The best thing is you will have your heavily airbrushed photo appear on every issue.

    Like

  36. Absolutely hilarious, both the original post and comments. Here’s a couple more for your consideration:

    The Hair of Jabez
    –Man discovers obscure OT reference to Levitical hair standards. Makes millions off book and theme-related shampoos, conditioners and mousse and a chain of beauty salons.

    Smear Christianity
    –Watchbloggers strip away the cultural and historical Christian “add-ons” through combination of innuendo, rumor, misunderstanding and out-of-context quotes. They start with Joel Osteen and Brian McLaren and work backward through Christian history, eventually coming to the conclusion that “Calvin, Luther and Augustine were probably not truly elect, and frankly we’re not so sure about some of the Apostles, either.”

    Like

  38. Orthodox beards: their care and upkeep

    Swinging the wild censer, synchronized censer swinging for the rhythm impaired.

    Evangelical put-downs how to make sure no non-Orthodox ever listens to you.

    Monastic chanting for the ADD generation five simple chants that can be done in five seconds.

    Like

  40. I love all of them. Funny. Look out W.Door.

    I have one more: “Crazy to Blog; How I grew up as one of the Elect, wrote hundreds of excellent blog pages on it . . . then reached for my Mountain Dew, bumped the keyboard and accidentally deleted the whole damn thing.”

    Like

  41. Your Next Life, Now! Jack Kevorkian gets saved and promotes a New Perspective on more than just Paul/

    Like

  44. Tomato Soup for the Fundamentalist Christian Vegetarian’s Soul: Heartburning and Truly Annoying Stories about always being right (These stories were rejected from The Chicken Soup series.

    Right Behind: A Companion Series to the ‘Left Behind’ Series. An absolute must for your library if you want to display the whole Behind.

    Like

  45. Justavacation – with introductions by N.T.Wright, and
    our friends at The New Perspective on Paul.

    Like

  46. Justavacation – Introduces a fresh reading of Paul as revealed through his adventures and encounters with native peoples during his recently discovered 4th trip throughout the eastern Mediterranean area.

    Like

  47. Sounds like Kenny must be a Lutheran. Once we had a new young pastor who could have written Kenny’s book. I told him keep saying that and you won’t have any ushers next Sunday or a pay check on Monday.
    imonk, most of your ideas are male oriented how about something for the women?

    ‘Interdenominational potluck cookbook’
    including secret Buddhist instructions on
    how to eat rice with chop sticks

    Like

  48. “The Furtive Driven Life” — How to keep your faith so secret that even God won’t know you’re a Christian.

    “How to Sell Your Surplus Spiritual Gifts on E-Bay.” — A must-read how-to book on making money from your unwanted spiritual gifts on E-Bay.

    “The Book of Discord.” — The role of the Book of Concord in the denominational politics of the LCMS.

    “Casting the First Stone.” — How to purge yourself of sin so that you can cast the first stone without guilt.

    Like

  51. I was tempted to cheat at Scrabble last night during a game with my wife. Now I know I got it from reading The New Testament and the People of God. Whew! Thanks for the heads up.

    Like

  52. “The Rubliev Code”: after revealing the sinister machinations behind the Roman church, Dan Brown turns his attention to the Orthodox; just what exactly *are* they hiding under those beards?

    Like

  53. wouldn’t Churchless Church be a better track for the times than the already done Christless Christianity (or are they the same, allegorically)?

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  55. Ron – Jesuit priests in ninja outfits! Pshaw!

    Seeing as how this is the 400th anniversary of Fr. Matteo Ricci’s journey to China, of course it has to be Jesuit priests with secret Shaolin Gong Fu techniques!

    Like

  56. The Lakeland Survival – How To Get Healed After Getting Your Tumors Kicked Out of You.

    Like

  57. When I was enmeshed in the culture of an Evangelical para-church ministry in college, I considered a book called How I Kissed My Purpose Driven Jabez Prayer Goodbye.

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  58. To be really relevant, that should read hott pastorette, and two hott blonds.

    (See Jon Acuff’s 5/21 entry on Stuffchristianslike.net)

    Bahahaha, can’t wait to read The Snack.

    Like

  59. I would be laughing, except:

    (1) “The Snack”? You’ve obviously heard (haven’t you?) of Jesus appearing in a bag of Cheetos:

    http://ironiccatholic.blogspot.com/2009/05/truth-is-stranger-98-cheesus.html

    I suppose He decided, what with His mother showing up in window glass and concrete underpasses, to make an appearance Himself.

    (2) “This Is Your Best Wife? Wow”? Christian men of America! You too can improve your missus by dedicated fasting on her behalf! Just enroll on this website and use spiritual means to guilt her into being nicer to you!

    http://www.e5men.org/

    And it’s the brainchild of a Catholic, which is even worse: he should know better, that’s not how you do fasting. It’s a very American notion – sorry to offend all you Americans, but this kind of high-powered, high-pressure, sales technique!

    Though I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned “Wolf Among The Sheep: My Quest To Paganise Good Evangelicals” in which you detail how you’re really a top-secret undercover operative of the Roman Catholic Church sent in as a deep-cover sleeper agent to introduce pagan practices and lead good decent Christian folk astray with your subtle brain-washing techniques of endorsing a site selling rosary beads 😉

    Like

  60. Generous Orthodontics – Chronicles the story of an orthodontist turned televangelist turned social-justice activist, whose mis-guided mission is to bring Hollywood smiles to the homeless and hungry throughout the world.

    Like

  61. How about The Ministry of Real Presence: How to Lay on and Pray/Prey on Women?

    By the way, the phrase “liberal Methodist” isn’t redundant at all, at least not among the ones I know and serve.

    Like

  62. MMWAAHAHAHAHA!!

    Here’s one that is seriously on the shelves, I swear I’m not making it up: “How to Study the Bible for Yourself.”

    Like

  63. I’ve been lurking for months, but I had to post to say this is my favorite.post. ever. 🙂 LOVE this site, iMonk.

    Like

  65. Simply Heretic – In the genre of a Tom Clancy Net Force novel, an underground group of radical reformationists, code named W.R.O.N.G., delve into the cyberworld in an attempt to worm their way into the N.T.Wright website and replace the entire Wright audio/video section with their own homemade YouTube
    videos.

    Like

  66. The New Children’s Instant Obedience Study Bible: changing “Thus saith the Lord” to “Simon says.”

    Oh, man, I’m glad I wasn’t at work when I read this! That’s freakin’ hillarious!

    Like

  70. Re Twilight: The Christian Version – With the exception of the Free, the Congregational, and the Wesleyan, the phrase “liberal Methodist” is redundant.

    Re Miguel’s idea about interfaith writing, ever since I heard a commercial on the radio for the Episcopal Bookstore at St. Philip’s Cathedral in Atlanta — I didn’t even know Episcopalians had bookstores — I have wanted to run right over there and try to find a WWACD (What Would the Archbishop of Canterbury Do?) bracelet.

    Surfnetter, the title Saving Ryan’s Privates has already been taken, which you would have known if you had read this.

    Like

  71. The publishers of The Shack should write a new version for the prosperity crowd called The Mansion.

    Like

  72. Yer killing me, here… You guys are coming up with all the good ideas, so I’ll just worship from afar…

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  73. This is great, Michael. My favorite was “The Snack.”

    Ron, Your ” Porpoise-Driven Church” is so funny!

    Jin Woo…I love those titles from the Cho blog.

    Surfnetter…great play on words!

    I’m not in a “creative” mood to come up with one of my own at the moment.

    Like

  74. My favorite line:

    “I found myself strangely drawn to the idea of pushing people until they fell on the carpet.”

    Like

  77. “The Snack” sounds like a winner, except that I’m very sure that God only speaks through Tastycakes.

    Like

  78. Surprised by the Pope? (Actually, maybe that could be the title for the book whose subtitle is “N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil”.)

    A New Kind of Fundamentalist: Same as the Old Kind, Really.

    Ooh, or even better: Everything Must Stay the Same.

    Like

  80. Go with “Christless Christianity.” Seems like a lot of churches don’t really have much to do with Christ anyways, so this book would basically write itself.

    I would totally buy it.

    Like

  81. Here’s another one.

    The Omega Toad: A special forces team of Messianic Jews breaks into an underground compound beneath the Vatican, where they use secret Bible codes and a laptop computer to trigger a worldwide plague of flesh-eating frogs.

    Like

  82. Go fiction. Go Peretti style.

    Some pastor’s chest is turning black and oozing because he’s not preaching enough sermons about the gays and the evils of American Idol.

    Kirk Cameron will star in the movie.

    Like

  83. Here’s a couple for ya.

    Enter the Llama: John Calvin and Jacobus Arminius are reincarnated as a two-headed pack animal in Peru. When it’s not arguing with itself, it uses its martial arts skills to fight Jesuit priests in ninja outfits. Note: This would probably work better as a screenplay.

    The Porpoise-Driven Church: The chronicle of how a group of monastic charismatics from Orlando have learned to hear the voice of God through the secret languages of sea mammals.

    Like

  84. The New Children’s Instant Obedience Study Bible: changing “Thus saith the Lord” to “Simon says.”

    The Complete Evangelical Idiot’s Guide for Dummies

    Michael, I notice you wrote …Two Hot Blonds Inside Blonds is in the masculine. LOL

    Like

  86. “My Journey to Cleveland, Tennessee” is my personal choice, because I have been to charismatic services and I can’t seem to fall down on cue. I have never been able to figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s genetic.

    A better book for you might be “Why I thought about Rome, but decided the plane fare was not in my budget.”

    Like

  87. You already had some great ideas. Additionally I would love to see you name on one of these:

    The Massage Bible (the complete guide to techniques, oils, and essence)

    The Leaf in/the Behind Series (The campers’ guide to when nature calls)

    Become a Better Jew:
    7 Keys to Improving You Everyday Strife (self explan.)

    Blue Like Pies (makes no sense . . . just like the real title)

    Like

  88. …dear god… a special section on how to behave on airplanes..
    …must…. stop…. laughing… to…. breathe….

    Like

  89. If you’re interested in some interfaith writing, you could always do a “What would Muhammad do?” book.
    Since “What would Buddha do?” is already taken.

    Like

  90. Thanks. I really needed the laugh tonight.

    If you are looking for a very brief book project what about

    A Critique Of The Most Memorable Contemporary Praise Songs

    Like

  92. how about; Why I converted to Catholicism or How not to unstick a fat Lady from a tub.

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  93. This made me laugh out loud several times. Here’s one: “Cleft Behind.” A man’s wretchedly urgent race against time as he tries to prove that a demonic cabal cracked his hind quarters, not realizing that *everyone’s* is cracked.

    Like

  96. I’m waiting for some kind of attempt at theology from anyone in the prosperity or word-faith camp.

    And I’m waiting for the latest self-help book to be sold in Christian bookstores everywhere and on Christian radio and TV programs, about you pulling yourself up by your boostraps and leading yourself into being sorry enough to earn God’s forgiveness and trying hard enough to overcome all of your screwups.

    I hear one of the 2009 reasons is that the Kentucky Wildcat fans in the body of Christ believe God owes them a national title after nine years of Tubby w/o winning a championship and two years of Billy Clyde taking the program into NIT glory (j/n)

    Like

  98. I would buy the Christian Twilight. I would then proceed to make fun of it endlessly, but I would buy it none-the-less.

    My only idea right now (After a handful of discussions): How Not To Read a Book. You too can declare an author a heretic or universalist without even cracking the spine. Learn how to watch the most influential YouTube videos, hear the best radio shows, and download the best podcasts on how to miss the point and focus on pull quotes. Learn how to dismiss and demean people without knowing their actual stance on an issue – all without even knowing the actual name of the author in question. Our book is so good that not even the people who said good things on the back cover were allowed to read it!

    Like

  99. “N.T. Wright Is A Cross-Dressing Communist Sissy Who Cheats At Scrabble And Really Worships The Devil”

    Even if some of the essays in this book actually support Wright or only very mildly critique him, be sure to end the book with an editorial essay explaining how this volume has once and for all “refuted” the New Perspective on Paul.

    Like

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