THE INTERNET MONK SATURDAY BRUNCH
”It is talk-compelling. It puts you in a good temper, it makes you satisfied with yourself and your fellow beings, it sweeps away the worries and cobwebs of the week.”
GRILL DADDY WANTED
Good morning. I’m Steve Inskeep. Some men are searching for a dad. They’re in their 20s, live in Washington state not with their dads and advertised on Craigslist for an actual, experienced dad to grill burgers and hot dogs for them on Father’s Day weekend. They tell KHQ-TV they’re not ready to fill the B-B-Q dad role. They had best be careful because when they find a dad, he’s liable to just tell them to get on the grill, do the job themselves and when they’re done, call their dad.
Just a thought: these guys never went to Mark Driscoll’s church, right?
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THIS DAD HEARD TWO GREAT CONCERTS IN A WEEK!
Not only did we get to hear Paul Simon last weekend, but on Tuesday night the boys treated mom and I to an outdoor feast of music by Wilco here in Indy. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if they’re not the best rock band on the planet, they’re in the discussion. Especially live.
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DALLAS STREET CHOIR AT CARNEGIE HALL
Here’s a story about music that makes my heart sing…
The Dallas Street Choir is a group composed of the city’s homeless. Though its lineup has varied over the years, over time it’s become a more concrete unit, and 25 of its most dedicated singers — including some with mental illness and addiction issues — have been picked to tour the East Coast.
Its stop Wednesday night in New York is historic: Never before in its 126-year history has Carnegie Hall hosted a musical ensemble solely comprising performers who are homeless. And what’s more: Tickets have been donated so hundreds of New York City’s homeless, from all five boroughs, can attend.
…the Street Choir will be joined at Carnegie Hall by some of the brightest stars from Broadway and the opera. These include composer Jake Heggie, who has has arranged music and will accompany the choir on piano. Mezzo-soprano Frederica von Stade will join the singers again, after she performed with them in Dallas two years ago.
Heggie, whose opera Great Scott was next door at the Winspear Opera House, was in attendance that night in Dallas. “[My cast and I] were in the back row listening to this group of people who don’t have a voice or face and we were all weeping,” he remembers.
The Street Choir’s performance reminded the celebrated composer of something he’d started to lose track of in New York City: why he started doing this in the first place.
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PLEASE PRACTICE SAFE CELL PHONE USE!
This one’s not funny. This woman was seriously injured. Please be careful.
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ANOTHER STEP TOWARD WORLD DOMINATION FOR AMAZON
NBC News reports that Amazon will buy the natural and organic grocery chain Whole Foods for $13.7 billion.
Which sent Amazon’s stock price soaring (they basically bought Whole Foods for $0), which sent other grocery chains’ stock prices into the toilet, and which prompted tweeters everywhere to sound off.
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SO, THIS IS A THING NOW ON TWITTER TOO…
— Redacted Graham (@RedactedGraham) June 9, 2017
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THE HOTNESS OF ADAM AND EVE
What would Father’s Day weekend be without a tip of the ol’ fedora to the father of us all and his smokin’ hot wife?
As Pierce says:
Probably the biggest crisis in Christianity right now is that no one has put all the pictures of Adam & Eve together and ranked them according to how hot they are. But wait, some will say. Shouldn’t Christians resist judging people based on their physical appearance? Yes, of course, if you think you might get caught. But Adam and Eve are almost certainly dead by now, so I think it’s okay. Besides, if you make adolescent jokes while you’re judging them, that’s two sins, and two sins always cancel each other out, Jim Bakker taught me that.
Visit the site and choose for yourself, but this was my favorite, not least because I can totally see Ken Ham getting turned on by it. Pierce’s comments and ranking follow.
This was the coolest photo on the floppy disk that came in the Answers in Genesis curriculum pack that your parents picked up at the homeschool convention in 2000. Does Adam have big biceps? Does Eve have nice legs? It doesn’t matter; all that matters is that young earth life, trick.
- (-500) Sexy Points for supremely weird-looking hair
- (+200) Sexy Points for successful usage of the Kurt Warner Perpetual Five o’Clock Shadow
- (-100) Sexy Points for inability to hold an apple correctly. It’s not a dang Poké ball, Eve
- (-100) Sexy Points for Adam dangling his sling and two smooth stones into thick foliage. That’s how you pick up a rash, guy.
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ADROIT VEGETARIAN DROWNS RABID RACCOON
At least that is the headline I would have written about this story from the BDN Maine Midcoast website.
While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself, “what a beautiful day.”
Little did she know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon she would end up killing with her bare hands.
In the midst of appreciating the weather and scenery, she looked ahead and noticed a raccoon obstructing the narrow foot path, baring its tiny teeth.
Suddenly, it began “bounding” toward her, Borch recalled Wednesday afternoon during an interview at her home on Hatchet Mountain Road in Hope.
“I knew instantly it had to be rabid,” said Borch, who remembers ripping out her headphones and dropping her phone on the ground.
What felt like a split second later, the furry animal was at her feet. Borch said she was “dancing around it,” trying to figure out what to do.
“Imagine the Tasmanian devil,” she said. “It was terrifying.”
The path was too narrow for Borch to run past the raccoon, which had begun lunging at her. With adrenaline pumping, Borch suspended her disbelief.
“I knew it was going to bite me,” she said.
Figuring she would have the greatest ability to defend herself if she used her hands to hold it down, she decided that probably would be the best place for the aggressive animal to latch on.
The raccoon sank its teeth into Borch’s thumb and “wouldn’t let go.” Its paws were scratching her arms and legs wildly as Borch screamed and cried.
In a matter of seconds, Borch, who could not unhinge the raccoon’s jaw to shake it off her hand, noticed that when she had dropped her phone, it had fallen into a puddle in the path and was fully submerged.
“I didn’t think I could strangle [the raccoon] with my bare hands,” she remembers thinking, but holding it under the water might do the trick.
Connecting the dots quickly, Borch, then on her knees, dragged the still biting raccoon, which was scratching frantically at her hand and arms, into the puddle.
“With my thumb in its mouth, I just pushed its head down into the muck,” Borch said.
With the animal belly-up, she held its head under water. “It was still struggling and clawing at my arms. It wouldn’t let go of my thumb,” she said.
Borch said she held it there for what felt like an eternity until finally it stopped struggling and “its arms sort of of fell to the side, its chest still heaving really slowly.”
…The dead raccoon was retrieved by Borch’s dad, who packed it into a Taste of the Wild dog food bag and handed it over to the Maine Warden Service.
Hope Animal Control Officer Heidi Blood confirmed Wednesday that the dead raccoon later tested positive for rabies by the Maine Center for Disease Control.
…Borch has received six shots so far, including the rabies vaccine, and immunoglobulin and tetanus injections. She is slated to receive her last injection this weekend.
“If there hadn’t been water on the ground, I don’t know what I would have done,” Borch said of drowning the animal. “It really was just dumb luck. I’ve never killed an animal with my bare hands. I’m a vegetarian. It was self-defense.”
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SOUTHERN BAPTISTS CONDEMN THE “ALT-RIGHT”
The headline in the Oregonian describes what happened well: “Southern Baptists wring their hands before finally, awkwardly, condemning alt-right at annual convention.”
[T]he Southern Baptist Convention this week condemned the alt-right, declaring itself opposed to “every form of racism, including alt-right white supremacy, as antithetical to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”
The denunciation did not come easily for the convention, which was founded in the 1840s after leading Baptist societies prevented southern slaveholders from becoming missionaries. The Southern Baptist Convention, CNN points out, did not officially apologize for its pro-slavery beginnings until 1995.
The Atlantic magazine reports that the denomination’s 2017 annual meeting, held this year in Phoenix, turned “chaotic” after the proposal was first pushed aside by the resolutions committee.
…The proposal was rewritten and presented to the resolutions committee, where it again failed to get enough support. But backers of the proposal refused to give up and pushed for yet another vote. Finally, it passed. Its proponents believe the final vote saved the convention from “disaster.”
“It was critically important to get this right,” said Russell Moore, president of the convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission. “The alt-right isn’t just some sociological movement. The alt-right is contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ and Satanic to the core. We need to be very clear on that.”
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FROM THE DAILY BONNET (satire for plain people)
According to tradition, the preferred cola of Mennonites has always been Pepsi (accompanied by a Ravel bar). In an effort to win over some of the Mennonite market share, Coca-Cola has recently introduced a series of Mennonite-named bottles including Abe, Nettie, Menno, and Taunte Lina.
“We think that if Mennonites try out our product, they’ll realize it’s not as cloyingly sweet as our competitors,” said Coca-Cola sales rep Patricia Carmichael. “We hope that these names will really appeal to the good folks of Gnadenfeld, Kleefeld, and Gruenfeld…all the felds really.”
Thanks to the new bottles, Mennonites are now able to ‘share a Coke with’ all of their frintschoft.
“There are only about a dozen Mennonite first names, so it wasn’t a difficult task,” said Carmichael. “Basically we just browsed a Grunthal phone book and, within minutes, we had our list of names.”
After nearly 7 decades of drinking Pepsi, Taunte Lina of Gnadenfeld was initially reluctant to try a Coke for the first time in her life, but the eponymous bottle convinced her.
“Oba, I naver thought I’d see my name on a Coke bottle yet,” said Taunte Lina. “I write my names on the margarine containers in the church kitchen, but naver a Coke bottle. It doesn’t give such.”
Representing over 70% of sales, all the Abe bottles in southern Manitoba sold out within 20 minutes.
(photo credit: Mike Mozart/CC/modified)
QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK
- What can science tell us about the “age of accountability”?
- Has the the Holman Christian Standard Bible, which was originally intended “to champion the absolute truth of the Bible against social or cultural agendas that would compromise its accuracy,” now become more gender-neutral?
- Would you like to know the true story of the church pew?
- Is a “celebration of life” service adequate when someone dies?
- How did Mr. Rogers come to replace Chuck Norris?
- What’s Michael Phelps doing during Shark Week?
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TAKE US OUT, WILCO!