The IM Saturday Monks Brunch: July 25, 2020
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FIRST…you didn’t think we’d forget the BEST news of the week, did you?
BASEBALL IS BACK!!!
With a commitment to promoting social justice for black lives.
Bringing joy that can’t be contained!
We are very excited for the first game of the MLB season starting this week. We appreciate the sacrifice the players are making to continue on at their jobs during such an uncertain time for our entertainment. We hope you enjoy this summertime anthem. This is Colt Clark and the Quarantine Kids playing “Centerfield” by John Fogerty.
They blog at Nomadic Homebodies.
And now, let the SATIRE begin. We start with…
City Enters Phase 4 of Pretending Coronavirus Over
DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of completely deluding ourselves into thinking that this pandemic has somehow stopped spreading and that we’re safe,” said Johnson in a press conference, in which he applauded the city for bringing them to this stage by successfully disregarding the virus in previous phases. “In order for this to be effective, however, we’re instituting guidelines requiring all residents to convince themselves that they can no longer contract or spread this disease, and that despite virtually no changes in the situation, we will no longer need to use hand sanitizers or observe social distancing. Phase 4 will also need all of you to start going into restaurants and stores without masks and pretending that this is endangering absolutely no one. Thank you all.” At press time, Johnson added that he hoped successful observance of protocols would allow the city to soon move into the outright panic and citywide devastation that would characterize Phase 5.
Quebec Requires All Residents to Wear Head Coverings
QUEBEC CITY, QC: After an outbreak of “uncontrolled sassiness,” the government of Quebec is trying to reign things in and is requiring all residents to humble themselves and wear traditional religious head coverings of some sort.
“And, no, I don’t mean a vintage Expos cap,” said Premier Legault. “I mean a Mennonite headscarf–you know a duak–or one of those straw flat-brimmed Amish hats. Might as well throw on some suspenders while you’re at it.”
The new requirements came into effect this week, and a few residents have been reluctant to abide by the rules.
“I get it. We could all use a good dose of humility, but it’s 30 degrees outside! This outfit is way too stuffy! Gotta let my head breath,” said Mr. Gauthier of Quebec City.
The new law is a stark change for the province who is usually opposed to any form of identifiable headgear.
“Well, yes, but things were getting bad. People were getting prideful and boastful and self-confident and that kind of thing spreads fast,” said Legault. “There were all sorts of forms of self-expression that are just not acceptable in this province. Better to get things under control while we still can!”
The new law also requires residents to sing an a cappella hymn on Rue Dalhousie at least one a month.
Baptists Lose Hundreds of Pounds Due to Cancelled Potlucks
U.S.—As churches across the country have canceled their potlucks for the past four months, one group has seen a positive side effect: Baptists, who have lost up to 200 pounds as they can’t scarf down casseroles every Sunday.
Unable to chow down on three or four plates of casseroles and guzzle down gallons of sweet tea after church every Sunday, Baptists are getting lean and fit. Most other denominations gained weight during quarantine, but since Baptists consume an average of 10,000 calories per potluck, they actually lost weight.
“It’s been really great for my health,” said Baptist pastor Jack Wilderbean as he tightened his belt another notch. “I kept eating Ms. Ethel’s tuna casserole every Sunday — she’d make a special one just for me in addition to the shared potluck casserole.” Wilderbean lost over 200 pounds since church services were canceled a few months ago, a phenomenon that doctors are calling “nothing short of a miracle.”
Unfortunately, youth pastors have begun starving to death, as the church potluck was their only source of food every week.
A secret cabal of globalist billionaires is today celebrating their success in getting gullible idiots to ditch facemasks, after it became apparent that wearing them rendered their global facial recognition systems obsolete.
As developed countries around the world begin introducing rules that mandate the wearing of facemasks to help limit the spread of COVID-19, it has come as a shock to the shadowy figures that run the world that their facial recognition systems no longer work as advertised.
Simon Williams, a secretive billionaire plotting to take over the world, told us, “We’ve been tracking you for ages. Through your TVs, your phones, CCTV – everything. We know where you go, and when you go there. But these bloody COVID facemasks ruined everything.
“Almost twenty years of technology investment down the toilet, overnight. We pivoted to video from audio years ago, before you’d even heard of YouTube, so of course we started looking for ways to undermine the mask-wearing programmes.
“Useful idiots like Donald Trump help, but the best way to get a gullible moron to stop doing something, is to tell them people like us want them to do it.
“We just started it spreading rumours that masks were the first step in allowing globalists to steal their freedoms. No, of course it doesn’t make any sense – but it combines their two favourite things, global issues they don’t really understand, and someone to blame for all the bad stuff in their lives.
“It’s working brilliantly. Just look at your social feeds to see all the people we’ve successfully manipulated into thinking a facemask is an attack on their freedom.
“I can barely say it with a straight face, but they fell for it hook, line and sinker and how we can keep on tracking them wherever they go. Happy days!”
White BLM Protestors Try to Start Chant but No One Able to Clap on Beat
“Pathetic, just pathetic,” said one observer. “They couldn’t even rhyme. I always believed in the movement, I don’t even know what to believe anymore.”
According to citizen journalists on the ground, the crowd began to dissipate after a failed attempt at the following chant:
What is the thing that’s bad because it’s the source of all oppression?
Sources confirmed that nobody really knew when to clap and people began to hang their heads in defeat. The leaders tried again:
“Systemic racism! Transphobia!
We’ll stop it!
Yes, that’s absolutely
What we’re going to do!”
Leaders tried to help people along by drumming on the hoods of cars and clapping but failed miserably. As the crowd continued to dissipate, rioters were forced to revert to their standard primal screams. Antifa leaders have confirmed they will be hiring consultants to help make their chants more catchy in the future.
At publishing time, the protesters had tried to just tweet their slogans but they couldn’t put the hand clap emojis in the right spot.
Best of Rick Steves’ “No Travel Tips”
Travel guru Rick Steves ran a piece on his Facebook page asking for “no-travel” tips from his fellow Americans who are stuck at home and unable to travel during this pandemic. ast Friday, He received half a million views and nearly 3,000 comments with countless clever “no-travel tips” to help bring a little Europe into our locked-down lives at home. Here are some of Rick’s favorite submissions.
- Dig a hole in the garden, put two foot-shaped cutouts on each side, tell your family that’s the toilet from now on.
- Wash all your unmentionables in the sink and then drape them over every possible bit of furniture in the bedroom.
- Use suitcases for dirty laundry instead of a hamper. Then it is just like unpacking from vacation for every single load!
- Tell everyone else in the house to pretend they don’t speak English and talk slowly and loudly to them.
- When you shower throw yourself against the walls a lot — making believe it is really tiny!
- Refuse to acknowledge anyone until they say, “Bonjour Madame.”
- When you do get that occasional trip out, wear your money belt. To pay for things, pull up your shirt and dig out your money.
- Change the hot and cold tap labels on your bathroom sink, or better yet, the shower!
- Stand in your linen closet with a suitcase and pretend you’re in a classic old European hotel lift.
- Detach your toilet seat and just sit on the porcelain.
- Use all of the little soaps and lotions you’ve collected over the years from different hotels instead of the standard size soaps and lotions.
- Stand around the corner from a painting. Just stand there for hours waiting to get to see it.
- When your quarantine partner asks for water, ask, “gas or no gas?”
- Try to charge every device that you own using one outlet on your bathroom counter.
- Next time you go to the grocery store, just put all the cash you have in your hands and hold it out for the cashier to take what they need.
Ask your housemates for something in a foreign language; if they look confused, just repeat it louder.
- Serve your housemates tepid water, and say you’ll be right back. Return three hours later and ask if they would like some bread.
- Take tours of several of your neighbors’ backyard gardens. Take pictures of them and then force your family to watch your tour.
- Throw coins in your neighbor’s birdbath.
I wish it was satire…
John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church announces it will not obey California’s ban on indoor worship services
Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, which is pastored by influential theologian and author John MacArthur, announced Friday that it would continue holding in-person services, saying state mandates restricting worship are an overstep of government authority and thus they have no duty to follow them.
Pastor MacArthur argued in a blog post published on Friday that “government officials have no right to interfere in ecclesiastical matters in a way that undermines or disregards the God-given authority of pastors and elders.”
“Therefore, in response to the recent state order requiring churches in California to limit or suspend all meetings indefinitely, we, the pastors and elders of Grace Community Church, respectfully inform our civic leaders that they have exceeded their legitimate jurisdiction, and faithfulness to Christ prohibits us from observing the restrictions they want to impose on our corporate worship services,” MacArthur wrote.
On July 13, California indefinitely closed churches— as well as restaurants, bars, fitness centers, hair salons, and barbershops — in at least 32 counties. A group of churches from the state also recently sued California Gov. Gavin Newsom after he instituted a ban on singing in churches as a way to curb the spread of the coronavirus.
“The biblical order is clear: Christ is Lord over Caesar, not vice versa. Christ, not Caesar, is head of the church,” MacArthur wrote. “Conversely, the church does not in any sense rule the state. Again, these are distinct kingdoms, and Christ is sovereign over both.”
He also argued that because the church is by nature an assembly, any restrictions goes against the nature of the church “in principle.”
“As government policy moves further away from biblical principles, and as legal and political pressures against the church intensify, we must recognize that the Lord may be using these pressures as means of purging to reveal the true church,” MacArthur wrote. “Succumbing to governmental overreach may cause churches to remain closed indefinitely. How can the true church of Jesus Christ distinguish herself in such a hostile climate? There is only one way: bold allegiance to the Lord Jesus Christ.”
➡️ Read MacArthur’s full statement here.
A funny, feel-good ending to today’s Brunch…
James Corden connects with a Canadian school teacher whose class has organized a hotline for senior citizens to call and listen to a joke, and to thank him, Billy Crystal pops in to the chat to record a few jokes of his own. The number for the Ever After School project is 1-877-JOY-4ALL.