Note from CM: Thanks to Tokah for this fine follow-up to her post in December. If you didn’t get to read it then, or would like to review her story, you can read part one HERE.

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Grant Me to See My Own Transgressions
by Tokah

Last month, I had the privilege of sharing some of the most important bits of perspective I gleaned from growing up queer in an evangelical church during the culture wars. I think the monicker of “Tokah’s Journey” may have been a bit misleading since I did not speak very much about my journey, rather I gave an account of the damage done during that period, how it is still affecting me today, and how we can try to avoid common pitfalls so others don’t have to live with the fallout I still struggle with.

Your comments on my post were generally excellent, and I think we had a great discussion. A few people asked follow-up questions that were too big to answer in a comment, and today I would like to take one of them on:

“But why Orthodoxy? Were there no queerness-affirming churches that offered the same sense of community? Your particular congregation may be friendly, but they go arm-in-arm with brethren who engage in *literal* gay-bashing.”  • Faulty O-Ring

FOR is often incendiary in the comments, particularly towards Orthodoxy, but in this case his question was very fair. Some of the comments defending my choice showed that he has a better grasp on how my church functions than my defenders do. Eastern Orthodoxy is not just a label, not just an institutional church. We are a communion. Our jurisdictional splits are not comparable to the Lutheran synods or Baptist conventions, and I cannot disavow the actions in another jurisdiction as if they were committed by people from some other religious group. I approach the chalice at each Divine Liturgy with all of my brethren around the world, including those who are mired in bigotry. Why do I do that?

I will be speaking on this topic as it relates to my own faith tradition, but it is a question every christian has to wrestle with in his own church context. When I gained my first adult group of friends, they were very understanding about my gender, sex, and orientation. None of that was a problem for them. What they could not understand was why someone in my position would want to stay a christian at all. Wouldn’t it be easier to be a member of a religion that seemed to want people like me in it?

I could not the articulate the answer well at the time. As the psalmist wrote, “I kept my faith even when I said ‘I am greatly afflicted’, and when in my madness I cried, ‘Every man is a liar.’ What shall I render to the Lord for all his bounty to me?” It was the Lord who kept me during this time, the time when I privately didn’t even believe He loved me, and ultimately it is Jesus who I have stuck with Christianity seeking.

To set about answering my college friends’ question and FOR’s both, let me begin with a story:

Jay’s grandmother Em suffers from dementia. Unfortunately, Em’s dementia ruins her ability to make new relationships. She remembers her older family with fondness, but new people all seem like enemies to her. This has lead her to treat Jay’s wife, Bee, in a very nasty way, despite the fact that Bee is her primary caregiver. Em has benefited very much from living with Jay and Bee, recovering some of the mental and physical health she lost in the nursing home. She can feed herself, attempt to use the bathroom, and help with the transfer from wheelchair to car. Her dementia has not improved sufficiently that she can accept Bee, though. At best, she can focus her angry gaze on even newer people, and sometimes that is all the break Bee gets.

I hope that no one would suggest that Bee should not have married into Jay’s family just because Em detests her. I also hope no one would suggest that Bee should lobby to have Em kicked out of the family on the grounds of her dementia. Instead, Bee shows God’s love to Em every day and prays for her continued healing. Whether healing comes or not in this life though, they are bound together as family through Jay. In the meantime, she tries to keep Em’s dementia-born rudeness from hurting others.

I think bigotry is a lot like dementia. It is a peculiar blindness that prevents its sufferers from seeing the image of God in an arbitrary subset of the human race. It is a hearing impairment that makes it nearly impossible to hear what a member of the particular group is saying. It is a weakness that makes it easy to fall into active sin when brought into contact with the targets of this prejudice.

There are those in the Eastern Orthodox family afflicted with bigotry that detest me, not based on disagreeing with my actions, but just for being born the way I am. Blinded by bigotry, there are those that see me as an enemy rather than as a sister. Some are so deafened by this that nothing I say will ever reach their ears. A few are so weakened that they would beat me if they were in the position to do so.

“O Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us. Lord, cleanse us from our sins. Master, pardon our transgressions. Holy One, visit and heal our infirmities for Thy name’s sake.” Surely God is answering, even if it seems that He does so in a glacially slow fashion. May the Lord have mercy on them and by their prayers have mercy on me, a sinner.

Despite the ugliness of some, there is nothing about Orthodoxy itself that should make someone who is queer feel less than a full person. While it maintains a traditional sexual ethic, it gets the separation between orientation and choices correct, and it doesn’t demand secrecy from its gay members.

Men and women with homosexual feelings and emotions are to be treated with the understanding, acceptance, love, justice and mercy due to all human beings. People with homosexual tendencies are to be helped to admit these feelings to themselves and to others who will not reject or harm them… Persons struggling with homosexuality who accept the Orthodox faith and strive to fulfill the Orthodox way of life may be communicants of the Church with everyone else who believes and struggles.

• Holy Synod of Bishops, OCA, 1992

Orthodoxy asks a lot of all of its members, and those of us who are queer are no exception. It does not shirk from affirming our value as people and equal importance to God, though. It sees gay sex as a sin, but not a special and uniquely large one, despite recognizing the issues in this area of identity and relationships that require proactive assistance. If you are going to be a conservative church on this topic, I think this is the way to do it.

That isn’t to say that things are perfect. Even our best writings on the subject are somewhat tone deaf, and our implementation sometimes leaves much to be desired. Some regions implement what we say on paper well, but other regions do it very poorly. (I just lost the ability to get a driver’s license in Russia!) Our internet voice is dominated by extremists, some questioning the very bishops who write these well balanced encyclicals. All of those things I wrote about in my last article apply to us as well, and we should be doing better there.

The other big weakness we have is explanation. We have beautiful and inspiring writings about the workings of sacramental marriage, and these are often offered as an explanation of why we must keep marriage between a man and a woman. For those of us not born straight, though, we can just as easily see ourselves in that description with a same-sex partner. The Bible verses that address it directly describe gay sex as a sin, but never actually explain why it is. The writers of our earliest texts simply took it for granted that it was, and that includes the apostles.

I made the decision to take up the tradition of the early church in regards to sexuality when I was in my teens, but as a purely personal decision, long before I even heard the word “orthodox”. I think Orthodoxy has a good framework for making such ascetic decisions, but an explanation of why we should undertake such a difficult fast is lacking. I am willing to undertake this fast myself, but I cannot demand it of anyone else.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me in Bee’s position. I love Jesus, and He has led me very clearly to be here. Day by day, I am quietly wearing away at the prejudice in my personal circle of influence. I live in complete honesty, trying to be loving and gracious, a force of healing in my tradition. As an adult, I can choose to bear the brunt of the pain and questions and be the voice of reason and moderation. I can prevent the kind of mistakes that scarred me so badly from being passed on in my local setting, and hope my writings make a dent in the larger setting. Most of all, I can pray without ceasing.

As I said in my short answer, I did not join Orthodoxy on the basis of how it dealt with gender and sexuality. That it has a good approach to it and that I found a parish that lives it well was a happy surprise. I was drawn to Orthodoxy by its teachings on far more important topics, such as “His dispensation for us: the cross, the tomb, the resurrection from the dead, the ascension into heaven, the sitting at the right hand, the second and glorious coming…”

If you can understand the draw of Orthodoxy at all, hopefully that explains why I would marry into this family with the crazy relatives. After all, Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life! In the resurrection, we will see each other as God sees us. All of our stupidity, divisions, and prejudice will fall away and we will be joyfully united. Just as the lion lays down with the lamb, I hope to be embracing the most ardent Westboro Baptist.

For those of you not drawn to the historical traditions, for whom the Catholic and Orthodox ways of looking at things are foreign, you may still be in the position that I am. If you count yourself part of the church universal, you too are part of a body that has members doing things you very much disagree with in the name of Jesus. We are all part of the church that made the past 2000 years of mistakes, and I am sure our grandkids will be aghast at something we are doing right now that seems as normal as breathing to us. The only response we can give to this truth is grace: constant, daily grace.

In the meantime, He tells us to pray:  “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” That includes those who hurt us, those who disagree with us, and those who make us feel unwelcome. It includes the bigots, even while we are trying to heal the wounds they inflict. Each and every one of us needs a full sized dose of God’s mercy.