It’s been no secret that Denise has always thought my views on “the will of God” to be distinctly unspiritual, and I found hers to be far too mystical. Tonight we listened to two programs on the subject (from a recent series on the White Horse Inn) and I think I won out!

God has a secret will and a revealed will. We are not called to try and discover the secret will of God. There is no “secret thread” of certainty waiting for those who find a way to “hear God’s voice.” God gives us His Word, His son, reason, providence, examples, desires, interests, opportunities, etc. We follow these and “Do as we please.” This seemed a great relief to her, even though it took quite a bit of discussion to clear out those old evangelical notions of playing “let’s make a deal” with the Almighty.

I continue to think the fascination with “knowing the Will of God” is attempting to coerce certainty and protection out of God by looking into his “ideal” will. Does it ever occur to anyone that God’s ideal path for us may be full of terrible things no one would want to know? But we have His promise that His will is perfect and glorious, and for our benefit and His praise. All at once. It is a beautiful safety net that allows me to live life without fear.

So Yes, I could pick up from here and go a lot of places and be in God’s will for my life. I suppose it does come down to seeing clearly here, and seeing clearly regarding other options as well. Where can I serve the King and the Kingdom, and love God, and love neighbor and become the man, husband and father God wants? Where can I best honor my extended family? Where can I find my joy in God? These are things I get to explore and discover on my own, with God’s perfect plan undergirding me. I won’t stress as much if I remember that the Lord has all my days written in His book, and every day is to be lived to the fullest for his glory.

I wrote a big essay called A Young Person’s Guide to Revelation. Maybe I should do more of that sort of thing. I just got tired of the fact there is nothing out there of this type, and I need it all the time. So I wrote it.

This whole job business is so mentally contradictory that I hate to think about it. God, if someone could just call or write or something, and give me some light. If I hear nothing, of course I stay here. If I stay here, can I write and preach and be me? Or will I become something else? And do I really want to spend my last years in this Arminian Revivalistic atmosphere? That is so tough. I just want to say, “THIS IS ME!” and not be embarassed.

These guys who used to come to my devotions and now they don’t….it is bothering me. One of them was such an encouragement. Over and over, God has put me in my place by letting people walk right past me and into minsitries that seem- at least to me- to be barely recognizably Christian. In some ways, it’s predictable. And in others, it really bothers me.

Dennis Miller is having a rough start. I love the show, but I almost hope it doesn’t work so I can skip it. If it’s on, I’ll not be able to resist.

Two good sermons this week. I can do this, and can do it here. That may be the biggest evidence of all of where I should be. I’m simple and this is simple. I preach. They listen.

My continuing fascination with online “relationships (not romances)” continues. I’m in this big discussion with a lurker, and he’s mad as heck that I support the President, and he’s all up into the Tin Foil Hats and so on. Then he starts in with….”I used to like you…”

Puh-leeze.

You read a few pages of my script. You read what I hung out on the net. You made up your own mind about what I was like and what I thought. In your mind, you created an imaginary friend out of my essays. And then you found a subject where we differ…and BOY are you mad!

This is just so juvenile. People, people, PEOPLE! Get a life. The internet is not real life. OK, as the facilitator of one of the more successful blog communities on the net I know that there can be some level of friendships, but even then, they are artificial. My guys at the BHT are talking about getting together in “3D.” Why am I not all that excited? Because I barely know anyone, don’t want to ever know some, have passable feelings of friendship for a few. The BHT largely exists in my imagination. These real people in the room and at my job and next door….they are much more complex, challenging, rewarding and genuine.

I love my online friendships, but mostly because of what they do for ME. I do some listening and ministry for them I guess, and my writing helps them feel they are not alone or to think a bit. But my internet life is pretty self centered. I can’t say it’s made me more holy in the real world. It’s not my church or my family, that’s for sure. It’s a set of somewhat real, somewhat imaginary relationships that allow me to paint on their canvas a bit while they paint on mine.

So I wish some of these online fans/haters would get out of the house and into a coffee shop or a school or a club where they can have real relationships. Saying I am great or going to hell is fun, but it’s not real. OK?

Finally wrote my essay on fantasizing about becoming a catholic. Between the one on leaving fundamentalism, the several on Calvinism, and now one on wanting to be a Papist, I should be sure to get fired before next Christmas.

Dennis Miller’s show starts next week on CNBC. I really don’t need to add another program to the few I watch each week, but I can’t see how I can resist it. The man flat out makes me laugh till I hurt. I don’t know which is funnier: listening to him or watching the faces of the Hollywood crowd as he talks.

It’s a tough thing when you have a friend you work with, and he likes you and you like him, but the best thing would be for him to no longer be employed by the company. He needs to go. I hate to say it, but there is just no way to get around it. A change needs to happen asap. I wish we could just come out and say it. Thanks for your work, but it’s not working out any more. Take a couple of weeks, but move on. But we won’t do that. It’s too mature and straightforward.

Friday Praise and Worship is the most dead, boring, dull 30 minutes of my week. I can not describe how awful it is. It isn’t about God; it’s about how many of these horrible little songs can we listen to before we slip into a crack in the earth. Is this our punishment, Lord? Is this what happens when you turn your back? You leave us with this awful music. Were we that bad? I mean, can’t you show a little mercy?

How about a year to read? Would that be too much to ask? And a new computer. And a car for travelling. After that, I’m good.

A friend’s dad has artery disease, just like my dad did. I spent 30 years waiting for my dad to die. He lived to be 82 (?) and never had a single heart surgery. He worried a lot, and missed a lot of life because he was afraid of dying, but he never was a bedridden invalid. I hope my friend doesn’t have to go through decades of being afraid every time the phone rings- something I still haven’t cured. It was such a waste. God was in charge. God knows what he is doing. Let God do his job, and you do yours. Live each day to the fullest.

Some of my students are doing homework while I lecture. I could make a big deal out of it, but I need to think about it. They didn’t sign up for this class, so how much can I demand they be interested? It’s an insult to me, but being insulted is part of being a teacher. They are pressed for time. They do my work, and they aren’t disrespectful in any kind of “in your face” way. They just sort of have a study hall while I lecture. If I wasn’t pretty good at it, I guess it would be understandable, but I am a good teacher.

Well, on the 26th some guy is coming to observe me. I’ll have to do something about it by then. Maybe I’ll throw them all out and just have coffee with him.